Why the Jonas Brothers are the Ultimate Thirst Traps

Once upon a time, there was an über-Disney pop band called the Jonas Brothers. The band was composed of curly-haired Nick, pretty boy Joe, and baby hubby Kevin. Here's the music video of their 2007 breakthrough seminal hit, "SOS," for those of you who didn't experience a spiritually awakening by the Jo-Bros:

With a Grammy Award nomination for Best New Artist, top billing for the hit Disney movie, Camp Rock, and four studio albums, the Jonas Brothers are more than delectable faces.

However, in a terribly sad day of October 23, 2013, the Jonas Brothers broke up and decided that appealing to teens doesn't work for them anymore ...

So, they muscled up and went for the grown ups, especially the gays, instead.

The three can't help but set thirst traps on various media that crush the hopes and dreams of gays everywhere.

Nick, the youngest, used to look like the curly boy in high school who carries a guitar to parties and serenades the girl of his dreams.

Nick is now the god who allures gays into the sea of thirst and drowns them with a hopeless smile on their faces:

Whoa.

Here's Nick wondering why you haven't sat on his lap yet:

If only you'd uncross your legs first, Nick.

Here he is, giving you sugared stares as he offers you something he knows you want but can't have.

Despite his raging hotness, Nick can be quite rude sometimes. Not hitting me up when you and I were basically in the same area 38 weeks ago is unforgivable.

Screw you, Nick. You were never my favorite Jo-Bro anyway.

Let's move on to Joe. Now, he may not be as talented as Nick, but he certainly has the sense of humor and overall kindness we all look for in a potential baby daddy.

For one, Joe still thinks that taking a picture next to a sleeping person is funny:

So cute.

Joe also shows the importance of pizza through a trap photo.

Definitely "yes" to pizza ... and more.

He's very subtle in terms of showing off his sexiness.

TBH, you wish were part of Gigi's body right now.

Of course, when all of my high school friends were all over Joe and his floppy black hair, I was in the corner, giggling every time Kevin appeared in any of their music videos. (He gets the least screen time.)

Kevin's the first one to get married and the only real Dad.

Here's Kevin next to the Commander-in-Chief of the Dads:

Kevin's learning all the right moves.

He can carry heavy stuff, which is why I like him.

Yup.

He's quite playful, too, in many different ways.

Unlike his younger brothers, Kevin's too mature and wise to set traps for us. So, he just gives whatever he has.

Feel free to browse through and savor their Instagram.

WARNING: Looking through all their photos may cause serious heart pain, sexual confusion, and loss of hope.

Now, for a closing remark, I give you Nick as he performs in a gay bar while bound in chains. You're welcome.

HELP.