Where the Girls are on TV: Anna Torv, Beyonce, Emily Deschanel

One obvious advantage to getting up for midnight feedings -- for my newborn, not me -- has been my discovery of late night talk shows, which in the past I was never able to stay awake for.

Last week both Jimmy Kimmel and David Letterman loosened up their neckties and played host to a couple of smokin’ Aussie beauts, leaving me to wonder what was really going on “down under” Kimmel and Letterman’s men’s suits.

Fringe babe Anna Torv was on fire during her visit to Jimmy Kimmel’s set, while Nicole Kidman’s spot on Letterman seemed to crash and burn. Torv recounted an utterly charming tale of being off somewhere in the remote Outback when she learned she had landed the role of Special Agent Olivia Dunham on the Fox hit drama that investigates the world of pseudo science.

On last week’s episode Torv’s character stripped down to her black bra and panties for a dip in the water tank, a creepy and rusted container that puts users into altered states of consciousness so as to awaken repressed memories. I always feel a sharp pang of exaltation on tank night if it means a glimpse of Torv’s banging body in tight, dripping wet lingerie.

Meanwhile, the former Mrs. Cruise handled herself with complete aplomb during her appearance on Letterman. Unfortunately, she never seemed to find her groove with the late night funny man. While the star of the new flick AUSTRALIA was breathtakingly beautiful in person, her fizzled talk show appearance left the nonplussed Kidman cringing and writhing in her seat.

I’m a sucker for a gal with an Australian accent, but I’ve resisted the urge to visit the country because I knew I would be a mess if I had to endure such a long plane trip. There isn’t enough Xanax to get me between continents. Yet clinging to every melodic word falling from Torv and Kidman’s creamy lips made this mate think the time might be now for some sordid dalliances of my own in the outback bush.

It’s the little things in life that evoke such a sense of calm in me, specifically my recent indulgence in daytime television, or “stories’ as my Aunt Jean would say. My heart always belonged to General Hospital and Luke and Laura, but that’s only because I had a 12-year crush on Genie Francis. I’ve recently started watching All My Children, which surprises me because I’ve been anti-ABC since the whole Grey’s Anatomy debacle. I love AMC’s lesbian storyline between Bianca (Eden Riegel) and Reese (Tamara Braun), but let’s hope things don’t get too heated in Pine Valley between this pair of nubile lesbos -- who knows what ABC will do. In the meantime, any chance I get to see Braun and Riegel do a little tongue dance is all right by me.

I must say, however, that I am a bit surprised at the normalcy at which this lesbian relationship is progressing. In real life after three dates the gals would be buying a house together. Given the rapidity of time in the lesbian world, in soap opera land by the first half hour break the pair should be married, pregnant, cheating on one another, divorced, arrested for the other’s murder, jailed, released and then working at Pine Lawn hospital as a brain surgeon like every other character on the soap who started out as a prostitute, troubled teen, drug dealer or split personality. God, sometimes I wish I lived in soap opera land.

More on next page..

\\\

(continued)

Poking fun at Tyra Banks’s America’s Next Top Model has been a steady pastime of mine--that is until the talk show/reality TV host began actually growing on me. What can I say? Tyra’s luscious booty and long locks finally melted this ice princess’s heart. Performing her smash hit “Single Ladies,” Beyonce took Tyra by storm last week when she showed up in a terrifically short, tight black skirt. What fun it was leering at Beyonce’s gorgeous body writhing and gyrating, eviscerating the poor schmuck who didn’t “put a ring on it.” Tyra was downright smokin’ as she grooved to the music, barely able to contain its pent up desire to bump and grind along with Beyonce. Or maybe that was me -- either way there was a whole bunch of booty bumping going on. Until Beyonce’s “Single Ladies” ditty, I thought J-LO had the finest ass I had ever seen this side of the Mason-Dixon line. I just counted on my fingers and figured out that Beyonce is a ripe 28-years-old. Move over J-LO, there’s a new, younger booty in town.

Mariska Hargitay may no longer be strutting about town with the ass of a 28-year-old but there is no disputing the SVU beauty has one of the most intoxicating faces on the small screen. Last week’s episode of Special Victims Unit featured Clea Duvall, star of my own personal girl-on-girl fantasy. Now I have no idea whether or not Duvall is gay, but ever since her turn in But I’m a Cheerleader with Natasha Lyonne my gaydar has been piqued. Duvall gave a solid performance of a fatally battered woman on SVU.

It had been a while since I’d spent any time ogling my favorite anthropologist, Emily Deschanel's Dr. Temperance "Bones" Brennan, but one episode and my mind swiftly returned to the gutter it so loves to linger in. Last week’s episode was somewhat of a sleeper as Bones’s father, Max, landed a job at the Jeffersonian. I wasn’t too thrilled with the episode itself, but Michaela Conlin, who plays Angela Montenegro, was looking especially sexy. Although the Fox network is priming the pump for a Booth/ Bones liaison, I really can’t think of anything sexier than Bones and Montenegro entwined between the sheets discussing semiotics and crushed mandibles. Had my lab partner in high school been as hot as one of these two cerebral nerds who knows what greatness I could have gone on to achieve.

House beauty Olivia Wilde, who plays Thirteen, was a right fine mess on last week’s episode when a deranged gunman forced the hot bisexual doc to experiment on herself with a slew of drugs. By the end of the episode Thirteen was a drugged-up, bleary-eyed, disheveled mess -- yet surprisingly still kind of sexy. Not even her ragged looks could deter me from taking a gander at her hot ass as it lay crumpled on a dirty hospital floor.

Good news gals, the smokin’ doc was saved and seems less inclined now to sabotage her health by having unprotected sex with random girls she picks up in the bar -- damn you brush of death!

Hey, at least House is a baby of the Fox network. Let’s hope Fox is down with some good ol’ fashioned girl lovin. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that Thirteen is eventually shacked up with some spectacular beauty from dermatology.

Miss the last "Where the Girls are on TV"? Read it here.