Where the Girls Are On TV: Alexandra Hedison, Holland Taylor, Cherry Jones

Bless your heart, KC, for pinch-hitting for me last week. I did indeed forget about my daughter’s christening. The soiree was actually scheduled for late December, but because I forgot to attend a mandatory baptismal meeting, the church could not perform the ceremony as planned. I rescheduled and was given a new baptismal date, which I again forgot about. So, you see, forgetfulness is apparently just part of who I am. Believe me, I ain’t proud, but it’s all part of the splendor of me. So I thank you, dear KC, for being so much more on the ball than I.

Now, let’s talk girls, gals. I’m not quite sure how I feel about bona fide lesbo Alexandra Hedison returning to The L Word. Sure, Ellen’s former gal pal is ridiculously smokin,’ and I, for one, sure wouldn’t mind spending a little time in the photog’s darkroom, but her turn as Dylan Moreland, a compunction-less filmmaker who shtupped, blackmailed, and then swindled Helena (Rachel Shelly) out of millions left a sour taste in my mouth. So I was more than happy to see Dylan and her cretinous husband hit the road. As much as I dig watching Rachel Shelly simulate an orgasm, I seriously hope it’s not with Hedison, ’cause let’s face it, girls, in the real world you know this bitch would’ve been dropped the minute she resurfaced.

When Dylan showed up last week at the Hit Club, Helena and Kit’s (Pam Grier) girl bar, Helena carried herself with such aplomb that even I, from the comfort of my Sleep Number Bed, put down my bowl of Cracker Jacks and hung my head in shame. It’s been years since I’ve lived in New York, but personally, had I been in Helena’s Jimmy Choos, the Big Apple mentality would have broken through my reserved Connecticut exterior with a vengeance. I would have beaten Dylan’s ass across the floor of that club so hard, she would have thought she was a Dustbuster. Fuhgetaboutit. 

Two and a Half Men star Holland Taylor will, if the gods have anything to do with it, have a final turn as Peggy Peabody (Helena’s mum) at some point during the L Word finale. Taylor is simply divine on Two and a Half Men as the acerbic, booze-loving mother to two wayward grown men. Holland’s Men character may not be the nurturing, “rub your head when you’re sick” kind of mom, but at 2 a.m., when you’re looking for a mama’s little helper to help you drift off into la la land, she’s the dame to see. Last we saw of the elder Peabody, she had shelved her latest boy toy to take a lezzie lover. Lucky for us, the queen mum opened her eyes and discovered a whole big world of female bed buddies. Sunglasses on, limo driver at the ready, Peggy drove off into the sunset with some woman from her ostensible wild-and-crazy past. Way to go, Peggy. This one is for all the older gay girls!

More on next page...
\\\

 (continued)

I’m absolutely fascinated by The Real Housewives of Orange County. These women have more plastic in them than a bouncy castle, and while I’ve never seen any overtly gay girl-on-girl canoodling, it’s only a matter of time before one of these bored OC trophy wives pours a little too much gin in her tonic and lets loose her repressed attraction to the same sex. Oh, my—libations, tirades, and Botox! While you may need a mama’s little helper yourself before attempting to sit through the hourlong whinefest of whose kid is more obnoxious, know this: The Real Housewives of Orange County is like one big lesbian tea dance. Give one of these girls a martini or three and it won’t be too long before someone has her tongue down the throat of her “best friend.”

I mention Real Housewives for another reason. On last week’s episode Mama Lynn and her daughter Alexa needed some R&R after their busy day at the spa getting massages and facials. Because we all know how utterly tiresome it can be to have someone rub our entire body for more than an hour with soothing oils as we lie supine on a soft table surrounded by aromatherapy candles and listening to Enya CDs, it’s perfectly understandable why Lynn and Alexa would need to decompress on the tennis court after such a harrowing ordeal.

Still, I digress. During their tennis match Alexa hit the ball over the fence and out of the court. A new ball in play, Lynn plods after her fuzzy green nemesis while commenting on her daughter’s strength, comparing her to a Viking girl. Alexa, who’s on the other side of the court, hears her mother and yells out, “What, like a dyke?” That sensual oil massage must have clogged the poor girl’s ears. Personally, I think the good folks at Bravo should have had the foresight to either mute or cut out Alexa’s comment, which was most likely uttered for shock value. Let’s face it, had Alexa made a racial comment Bravo would have dubbed and rubbed away anything even possibly construed as racist. The whole thing got me wondering why we’re more sensitive to some issues than others. Why is it OK—or “funny”—to allow “dyke” to be spewed out by a minor? Now, I’m not suggesting it’s OK for an adult to use a gay epithet; however, aren’t moms and dads supposed to teach their children not to use hurtful language? I guess these busy OC reality TV moms are too busy getting their toes painted shiny, happy colors to waste precious time reminding their spoiled kids why it’s not cool to call someone a dyke.

Katelynn, the transsexual on MTV’s Real World Brooklyn was outed by a fellow housemate to another housemate on last week’s episode—and in a bar, no less. To Katelynn’s surprise, the newly informed friend seemed completely unfazed by the news. Here’s one to open-mindedness and tolerance.

Keep an eye out for some tried-and-true gay girl eye candy: Cherry Jones as madam President on 24 and Katee Sackhoff as Kara “Starbuck” Thrace on Battlestar Galactica. Both shows just keep getting better and better. And while 24, hopefully, will stick around for a couple more years, BSG is getting ready to park its star fleet for good. Tune in while you can, because you surely don’t want to miss a moment of Sackhoff’s buff arms, which will soon be waving adieu. Sorry, girls; I’m just as bummed.