Following this week's episode of The Real L Word, in which the lovable lezzies of WeHo and beyond, bitched, fought, backstabbed, bickered and processed for an entire hour, I am loathe to admit that I was actually hoping for a little of the soft-core porn action we’ve come to know from the ‘reality’ series to spice up the episode.
First up, it looked as though things might heat up in a Laundromat for Sajdah and her girlfriend of one month, Chanel, especially since baby dyke – in the sense that she’s newly out – Sajdah, after getting her first real taste of lesbian sex, is humping in public like an un-neutered pup. Now, that might seem like a good thing, but she’s literally lifting Chanel against the wall and grinding in public, and no matter how hot a couple is, nobody really wants to see that.
In addition to the public dry humping – in the Laundromat no less – Sajdah’s a tad possessive and bossy with her new lady. “You moving in. You my wife,” she tells Chanel. And here’s where I’m wishing Sajdah’s sassy friend Marissa would come back for a visit to sit Sajdah down Oprah style to straighten Sajdah out before she loses Chanel – because Chanel is totally adorable and sweet.
Needless to say, Chanel’s not a big fan of Sajdah “overpowering” her either physically or emotionally, and she let’s that be known as Sajdah’s got her fairly spread eagle in a laundry cart.
From there The Real L Word producers offer some creative juxtaposition of images with cutting from oversexed Sajdah to a pious Kacy, who’s at church lighting a candle for her wife Cori and praying Cori become pregnant from the her initial insemination.
Next it’s on to Claire, who’s en route to LAX to pick up Vivian, the girlfriend she left behind in NY to pursue a possible reconciliation with her ex Francine in LA. When things went terribly awry with Francine, Claire got on the horn to Viv and begged her to come out to LA. On another note, it’s good to see we’re getting back to the once-an-episode trip to LAX, a place that no one ever really wants to go. We missed that last week.
I’ve got to hand it to Vivian though. She’s no fool about Claire’s burning the candle at both ends.
“I wouldn’t have come out if they were together,” Vivian says, letting on that she’s fully aware Claire has been keeping her options open.
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And because she pretty much talks non-stop Claire’s rambling on about possibly not getting along with Vivian while she’s visiting, and that’s when Viv says what’s been on viewers’ minds since the first episode of this beautiful mess of a season. “You’re confusing me with your other Asian,” Viv says.
And because The Real L Word is nothing if not incestuous, we move on to Romi and Kelsey joining Francine and her new piece Kristianne for dinner, and Francine is trashing Claire left and right to Romi and Kelsey. According to Francine, Claire has been shit-talking all of The Real L Word girls at the same time she’s been trying to woo them into participating in her “Dirty Boudoir” photo shoot. But Francine’s out with her new girlfriend talking shit about her ex, and well even though Claire’s a self-confessed brat, that’s just no way to win a new girl’s heart.
Still, Francine gets the word out that Claire has essentially called her fellow cast mates jobless losers. But the one that really seems to get everyone fired up is that Claire allegedly called Whit’s ex trick Sara a “dogface.” Wow! That’s a fifth-grade recess taunt if ever there were one.
So essentially Claire has committed LA lesbian social suicide by A) Opening her big trap and spewing a bunch of bullshit to Francine, or B) Pissing off the wrong mendacious bitch who’s going to drag her name through the dust in LA whether Claire actually said those things or not.
I imagine Claire’s social suicide as the modern day equivalent to Marquise de Merteuil (Glenn Close) being drummed out of her opera box for her social transgressions in Dangerous Liaisons. Much like the Marquise, who can never show her face in public again, Claire will turn up at LA’s lez night PYT only to be booed back to her Beemer in shame.
Cut to Whitney on the receiving end of a text from Romi about what a major ass everyone perceives Claire to be. Needless to say, Whit is not happy about the things she’s heard have come out of Claire’s perpetually running mouth. But on the upside, Rose from season one is there hanging with Whit. Who’d have thought Rose, with all of her wild antics, would be missed? But really, this show could use a little more Rose throwing back shots and motorboating strippers about now.
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We are back to Claire and she’s about to have sexy time with Vivian, who’s donned white lace lingerie, and that’s about all I have to say about that.
Next, Romi and Kelsey are enjoying sunny LA at what looks to be West Hollywood’s Plummer Park and they are having the booze conversation again… Fearing she’d lose Romi by continuing to guzzle the good shit until her liver drops out Kelsey promised in last week's episode that she’d stay off the sauce. Now Kelsey’s recalling the things she’ll miss about boozing -- namely Bloody Mary’s. Who can blame her? Bloody Mary’s are just about the only reason to drag one’s lazy tail out of bed on a Sunday to battle the brunch lines.
A formerly contrite Kelsey is now a little more fired up about having an occasional drink if she likes. “I might have a fucking beer…” she says. In response, Romi lays down a gauntlet of sorts and says, “You’re playing with fire there.”
Over to the happily married couple Cori and Kacy who are with a friend decorating signs for another friend’s roller derby game? match? bout? – whatever they are called. Kacy, who was inseminated in the last episode, although I’m not sure how much time has gone by, thinks she could possibly be pregnant as she starts to describe her sore boobs etc… Again, I implore this lovely couple to please refer to season one of The L Word and Bette and Tina’s pregnancy talk intervention that Alice, Shane and Dana orchestrated. It’s best to curb that early.
Meanwhile Sajdah and Chanel are having more relationship talk. This should be the time in their relationship when they’re having wild sex with abandon and making moon eyes at each other over a pint of Ben & Jerry’s while watching South of Nowhere DVDs in the afterglow, but they are just processing the crap out of things.
Back to Whitney’s house, and her ex Rachel, who’s pretty much the guest who never left, is telling Whit’s roomie Alyssa that she’s just interviewed for a job with Vidal Sassoon Academy.
While Rachel’s back at Whit’s house Whitney’s out to dinner with Romi at Toi, the rock-n-roll Thai restaurant on Sunset. It’s refreshing to see Whit and Romi out enjoying a meal and a grown-up conversation with their clothes on after last season’s on-screen sexual trysts. Romi announces she’s been sober a month and Whit’s happy for her. Although there is the question of how Kelsey will continue to fit into Romi’s sober life if Kelsey keeps slugging them back like we’ve seen in past episodes.
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Later, Whit, Francine, Claire and Vivian are all out at Haute on Robertson, which provides the perfect manufactured – by The Real L Word producers – opportunity for the entire Claire mess to devolve into a nasty screaming match. And that’s exactly how it goes down eventually. But I have to hand it to Whitney. Rather than being a backstabbing bitch - a rare quality in these parts - she confronts Claire and asks if Claire actually said all of the nasty things she’s accused of saying.
Of course Claire denies spewing the crap Francine said she spewed, and she may be partially telling the truth, although we’ll never know and I frankly don’t have the energy to care.
Meanwhile, Francine and Vivian have had a happy little hug and reunion as we discover that Claire and Viv met via Francine. Remember that incestuous nature of the show I was talking about? On another note, Francine’s sporting a Confederate soldier cap and I just feel that it's neither fashionable or politically correct, but maybe I just need to get out more and I’m missing out on a big Civil War uniform trend in the lesbian community.
As one might imagine, Claire and Francine face off again in a public screaming match that’s both embarrassing for them and boring for the viewers. Essentially they both think the other is a lying asshole. As things tend to go with Claire, Vivian ends up comforting Francine with a hug before heading home with Claire.
On to someone who’s trying to build a life rather than get mired down with loads of petulant lesbo drama – Romi’s meeting with her business partner Vanessa about their jewelry line Hija that they hope to launch with Love and Pride Jewelry.
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Back at Whitney’s Rachel has just told Whit she didn’t get the job she wanted, although it does seem that there may be an opportunity with the company down the road. Rachel’s irritated because Whitney hasn’t said the right things or comforted Rachel in the way she needs. Whitney has pretty much opened her doors for Rachel, which is a pretty grand gesture, but Rachel wants Whit to be a support system.
Meanwhile, Cori arrives home pretty much in tears because, as we discover, she’s gotten her period. Still, she takes a pregnancy test to be sure. And here’s where I want to thank The Real L Word for the realism of recording the sound of Cori tinkling into the toilet. Did they have a mic in the toilet or was there some Foley guy who had to recreate a peeing sound?
As expected, the test proves that Cori is indeed not pregnant, and while she’s laid off cigarettes for a couple of weeks, she pretty much says “fuck it” for the moment and lights up.
I must hand it to these RLW girls…. They are mighty crafty. Francine has concocted something called a landscaping party to get The Real L World girls and their friends to essentially fix her backyard. Don’t get me wrong – the right bunch of ladies could whip that yard into shape but something tells me this is not the bunch. Anyhoo, Sajdah says what we’re all thinking. “Francine comes up with this crazy excuse to make us all do her yard work,” Saj says.
Saj has brought Chanel to the party, but Chanel is admittedly shy and needs to come out of her shell on her own time. Or, Chanel doesn’t give a flying fuck about Francine’s back yard and has just mentally checked out of this mess. Really, I know I'd be playing Angry Birds off in the corner if someone I barely knew tried to get me to dig in her yard or lift something heavy.
But Saj is seemingly embarrassed by Chanel’s lack of engagement with the girls and they have an argument in the bathroom. Romi gives Saj sound advice to let Chanel come out of her shell in her own time and in her own way, telling her to make Chanel feel comfortable, but Saj appears to have some control issues and she’s a little more firm with Chanel than likely works for a shy girl. Chanel just retreats further.
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All hell breaks loose when Saj wants to leave and Chanel’s on the phone with someone in the car. They have a mini blowout on the side of the road in LA and that’s just the beginning. The fight continues on back at Saj’s place.
Saj says she’s not ever going to change and Chanel says she needs Saj to really listen to her, so they are at an impasse.
In a stunning reversal from her “move in with me” rhetoric a the opening of the episode Saj says she falls out of love as easily as she falls in and that she’s done. “I quit,” she tells Chanel, and she’s not bluffing. Chanel takes off with her tires screeching down the street.
Wow. That’s a lot of drama for one episode and yet surprisingly it’s not that exciting or engaging. Watching people fight is just doesn’t make for the riveting viewing it did Jerry Springer’s heyday.
That’s it for now. Tune in next week when Saj’s mom comes to visit and a whole heap of other craziness with the rest of the cast ensues.
