Apologies for skipping a riveting week of The Real L Word but the SheWired team was recovering from spending 545 miles on a bike seat that week for the AIDS LifeCycle. Now that we are kinda / sorta up to snuff we’re ready to get back in The Real L Word saddle – as it were.
This week’s show opens with The Real L Word’s more settled couple Cori and Kacy buying sperm off of the Internet to the tune of a cool $1,920 for three shots of the stuff.
“We got batter,” says Cori, while Kacy says she prefers to think of it not so much as buying sperm as much as buying “our future.”
I’m just glad they moved past the whole notion of having a boy friend step in as sperm donor. Didn’t they watch the real The L Word pilot that had Bette and Tina trolling their friends’ pool for sperm? That's a cautionary tale if ever there were one.
Back at Francine’s house, her ex-girlfriend and perma-guest Claire is busily trying to locate the right pair of trousers to wear to an interview for a job in the fashion industry. The entire interlude has me searching the corners of Francine’s apartment for an iron due to the rumpled piles of clothes from which Claire continually pulls what look like the same pair of pants.
On to Sajdah and her best pal Marissa, who’s just visiting, and that’s too bad because she just happens to be the most engaging person on the show-- in my not-so-humble opinion.
While Sajdah and Marissa are enjoying a pedicure together Sajdah receives a text from her crush Chanel in which Chanel writes something along the lines of needing Sajdah to always be there to “support and protect” her. And thank God for Marissa because, after a mere four days since Sajdah and Chanel met and are professing eternal love Marissa articulates what lesbians across America are thinking.
“Get the fuck out of here…” Marissa says. “Broad, I don’t even know your favorite color,” Marissa adds, referring to skipping the small talk and going straight to the wedding vows. Clearly Marissa is not a lesbian or she’d be more familiar with this type of speed dating.
Her words of wisdom to Sajdah regarding moving too fast with the Chanel are, “Don’t get married tomorrow and find out that she’s crazy.” And truer words were never spoken. Please don’t go home Marissa. The Real L Word needs you! I’m actually wishing Marissa would sit each one of these girls down and give them a piece of her mind starting with the lovable lothario Whitney.
Speaking of Whit, she’s in San Francisco to enjoy a drama-free weekend and to host a party at Club Trigger. Once Whitney utters the words “drama-free” we all know to sit back and wait for the show to begin. And of course Whitney’s ex-fling Jaq just happens to be out at The Lex. Whitney’s like a good ole fashioned sailor with a girl in every port.
On the subject of Whit’s girls, we move on to Romi, the winner of last year’s Real L Word soft-core porn awards. To Romi’s credit she remains on the wagon after getting blitzed and making out with some random chick at a club while her girlfriend, the adorable Kelsey, stood by and marinated in her own vodka haze.
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Kelsey has made a romantic meal for Romi that involves, candles, some sort of sparkling non-alcoholic bevvie for Romi and several fish bowls of crappy white wine for Kelsey. Soon the dinner devolves into a discussion about boozing together that holds none of the sway or drama of say The Days of Wine and Roses. It turns out that alcoholism in action is not much fun to watch, as Kelsey -- who looks like if Emily Blunt were a cute little boyish lesbian -- is slurring her words and breaking the fourth wall by talking to the camera people. These two are redefining the term “awkward,” and that’s before we get to the denouement later in the episode.
Later, Whit’s at Club Trigger enjoying the spoils of her new-found fame as the ladies line up to sniff her hair. Now, smelling Whitney’s hair has never remotely crossed my mind but apparently it’s a thing. She says she ensures that “this shit always smells on point,” and as a germaphobe I respect her for that.
Cut to Whitney, later that night, in bed with drama-free Jaq. This is pretty tame stuff for Whitney so I’ll just move on.
Meanwhile, Whit’s most recent ex of sorts, Sara, is dancing in a music video. And since there’s no delineation between work and pleasure on The Real L Word, Sara ends up making out with some girl named Erica.
Back to Sajdah… Her mom has called because she’s not a fan of Sajdah’s Facebook posts about Chanel. The possibility of Sajdah jumping into a relationship has her mom rethinking her position on being okay with the gay thing. Mom and daughter trade a few barbs before signing off with, “I love yous.”
On the Claire front, she’s pulled over on the side of the road to have a private chat on speaker phone with her east coast girlfriend Vivian. Claire's just come from her job interview, which she says went well, and now Viv is about to drag her down by holding her accountable for playing two girls at once.
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Blah, blah, blah… they argue and about the same shit they’ve been fighting over for three episodes – namely that Claire wants to keep her girlfriend (Viv) on the line while attempting to rekindle something with her ex Francine. But the real question here is, where the hell did Claire find such a secluded spot to air her dirty laundry on the side of the road in LA?
We kiss goodbye to Marissa, whom Sajdah has dropped off at LAX. Sajdah’s parting words to Marissa are that she’ll pace herself with Chanel, but no sooner does Marissa hit the curb then Sajdah’s making a date with Chanel. Did I mention that Sajdah was already looking for an apartment for them? This may be an unprecedented example of U-Haul syndrome.
As Whit’s SF trip has been fairly laid back The Real L Word producers decide it’s time to mix things up by sending Whit’s ex Rachel up to San Francisco with Whit’s roomie – and one of the show’s few voices of reason – Alyssa. Poor Alyssa is forced to take the fall for being the architect of the mess that is about to ensue for dragging Rachel along with her when she knew it was a bad idea. Alyssa confronts Whitney to tell her that Rachel feels out of place. Well, of course she feels out of place. Nobody really fucking INVITED her – least of all Whitney. Rachel does say that she’d like to hook up with Whitney because they have “great chemistry,” a mantra that all of Whit’s tricks eventually adopt.
Back at the Kacy and Cori abode they’re throwing a party for their close friends and family to celebrate their sperm purchase. ZZZZzzzzZZZZZZzzzzzzz… These women seem totally lovely but they are suffering from Nikki and Jill syndrome being handed such a singular storyline that bores me to tears. Once this mess of a show is over we will likely find out that one of them is an infectious disease doctor while the other is a UN Ambassador, and that the Real L Word producers just forgot to flesh that out.
Meanwhile, in maybe-you-should-check-out-an-AA-meeting land, Romi is attempting her first outing sans the good shit – a dinner party with friends that includes Whit’s ex Sara (WHY?) and classy dinner convo about co-ed three-ways. Poor Romi. That’s a booze-inducing conversation if ever I heard one.
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And because her friends and girlfriend are so supportive of her choice to remain liquor-free, Romi’s enticed to go to Beauty Bar for an evening of watching everyone around her get sauced while she slowly dies of boredom and disgust on a bar stool. And it’s not long before Kelsey’s got that old familiar slur going.
Back in too much too soon land Sajdah and Chanel are professing eternal love for one another. Well, not exactly but the conversation is pretty heavy for an ostensible first date and Sajdah does ask Chanel to be her girl friend – via an ‘old-school’ note, which this cynic must admit is pretty damned cute. But that’s not all – once Chanel accepts Sajdah bestows a heart necklace on her.
Up in SF Whitney has officially left the party for some alone time and to ponder her addictive personality and how she may have transferred her addiction from the harder stuff to girls. It’s good to see Whit enjoy some introspection but for the sake of ratings we all know she can’t have any kind of real revelation.
The Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf fighting-while-drunk couple--although Romi has managed to stay completely sober -- of the The Real L Word are now in a cab heading home and Kelsey is begging for sex. And really, there’s nothing that can drain the hot out of a girl like drunken begging to get laid. The schadenfreude is palpable. Well, Kelsey gets her wish and the two of them engage in every possible sex act known to two women in the span of a 45-second montage. That’s after Kelsey charms with the words, “I want to fuck the shit out of you.”
And let’s just hand it to The Real L Word girls for breaking out the lesbian Kama Sutra and engaging in everything from oral sex to strap-on sex to scissoring. That’s right! Scissoring on pay TV and I’m not talking Skinemax. I haven’t seen scissoring like that since the 80’s, so I really want to hand it to Ilene Chaiken and the gang for keeping it retro, if not mortifying to watch.
Following her night of navel-gazing Whitney heads straight back to LA to discuss her relationship with Sara. Blah, blah, blah, ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzZZZZZZZzzzzzz. I really can’t. I can’t handle my own processing conversations, never mind those of virtual strangers.
And that’s about it for this week’s The Real L Word. Tune in next week for what I’m sure will involve booze, bad decisions, processing the same crap over and over and the occasional baby and family planning talk.
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