We are admittedly late to the party in posting recaps for The Real L Word, so rather than do a blow by blow of the minutia of six women’s lives we are opting for the five-minute (or so) recap –which shouldn’t take longer to read than the average time it takes to run to the loo or to smoke a cig (although I am not promoting smoking).
Episode 5: Lesbian Heavy Petting Zoo. (I couldn’t find the title anywhere, so I decided to make one up and here’s why...)
As with prior episodes, this one kicks off with those insipid talking head shots of the girls unnaturally lounging in a studio and musing on questions devised by prurient heterosexual producers – and Ilene Chaiken – looking to lure the Real Housewives audiences.
Ilene and the Magical Elves should have called the show The Lesbian Heavy Petting Zoo – where non-gay people go to learn about species and habits unlike their own, viewing through fences and glass panes and occasionally getting close enough to touch and feed them (but I’ll save this rant for another day).
First up, the word of the week sponsored by Ilene Chaiken and The L Word season one at the Dinah!
What is a 100 Footer? L Word fans will recall that Leisha Hailey’s Alice succinctly summed up the definition of a 100 Footer six years ago, but since this show is overarchingly geared to an audience that knows nothing about lesbian culture and likely wouldn’t have seen it on The L Word, they dug up this hackneyed insult for viewers’ pleasure.
For those of you who didn’t see it on The L Word in 2004, a 100 Footer is a lesbian so obvious she can be spotted from 100 feet away. Here’s what the girls had to say.
Mikey cops to possibly being a 100 footer, while Whitney thinks she’s a 50 footer on most days. Fairly new to lesbianism herself, this discussion is actually informative to Jill, who has no idea what it means. Nikki thinks 100 footers sport Birkenstocks, Rose thinks 100 Footers look like 70’s era San Francisco dykes and Tracy introduces the game of German or Lesbian. The German or Lesbian game sounds promising, save for when someone is actually German and a lesbian – like in a Fassbinder film or two.
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Phew, now that we’ve established what a 100 Footer is not, we move on the meat and potatoes of the show – and since I’ve already expended 400-plus words, yet promised a quickie recap, I’m going to try to keep the rest as short and sweet as possible.
First up, it’s Whitney, who says she needs to ‘get the fuck out of LA’ because of the drama over Romi –the piece who was tits out for the cameras two episodes ago – and Tor – the piece who moved 3,000 miles to shack up with a Whitney, who hasn’t laid a finger on her since.
The camera pans to Tor, who’s throwing major shade at Whitney in Whit’s own house. I could be wrong here, but really? Moving from Connecticut to LA to live with someone you hooked up with briefly on a movie set is just poor decision making. Learn the inherent lesson Tor!
Next up, it’s a quick peek into Rose’s morning, and she’s cooking again. For all of Rose’s televised shortcomings, she likes to cook – and that’s always a plus.
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There’s a quick cut to Nikki and Jill’s mini manse and Nikki’s feeding the pups gourmet pet food that looks like her private chef made it. I’m not sure what else happens here because I admittedly use their storyline for bathroom breaks.
Back to Whitney and she’s road tripping to San Francisco for some quality time with her third piece of ass Sara, whom you might recall from episode one. Whitney opines that she might get her period, which could really fuck up her sexy times with Sara. She then confesses she’s not too bothered though since she’s already earned her “Red Wings.” Don’t fret. I’ve already called the CDC to nominate Whitney for safe sex poster child.
Rose is dressed up and off to a lesbian wedding reception with her dad, which is very sweet and I can’t find anything sarcastic to say, except that Rose needs to step away from her dog, whose ‘ I could give a fuck’ attitude is continually stealing focus.
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Now we toss it to Nikki and Jill who are quipping over paying $6,000 for a wedding dress – ZZZZZZzzzzzZZZZZzzzzz – rich people problems ZZZZzzzzZZZZZzzzz.
Up in the bay area Whitney’s friend Scarlett does Whit’s makeup for her big night out of girl-watching at Flourish.
It’s up to the valley for Tracy and Stamie, sans toddlers! And what are they doing? Playing around on Facebook. Stamie has just sent a friend request to Tracy’s mom, whom we’re told is none to happy that Tracy’s Sapphic-ly inclined. Apparently Stamie is pushing Tracy to confront her mom a bit more about their relationship – but Facebook friending her mom is just a little too much. Here’s hoping Tracy’s mom blocks Stamie’s pushy ass.
For something not so sweet we are back with Rose and her pops at the lesbian wedding reception. Rose’s girlfriend Nat has had a long, hard day at work and is now lost and bitchy looking for the reception. This is a situation I can relate to working in LA and then attempting to make it anywhere in town during rush hour but Rose is not tolerating Nat’s outbursts and tells her to “fucking correct yourself real quick.”
You see, Rose is concerned that Nat is disrespecting her in front of her father, but really, Nat can’t be heard on the phone and all Rose’s dad can hear is his genteel daughter hurling F-Bombs and telling her girlfriend she’s acting like a “retard.”
When Nat finally arrives, a little pissy from the day, she and Rose go at it like classy ladies screaming in the restroom. My advice to Nat would be to dump Rose but as that does not appear to be in the cards, I suggest a few cocktails and then cab it back home.
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Out at Flourish Whitney –who’s guzzling Skye vodka from the bottle – reveals her pious nature when she says her prayers were answered in the form of her go-go dancing playmate Sara shaking her ass in a lace onesie. As if Sara wagging her lacey vag all over the bar weren’t enough, Whit’s friend Jack joins Sara in the cage in a public dry humping session that is not for the weak of heart. Whit says, the incident is “Every teenaged boys’ wet dream,” which is good since I’m fairly certain teenaged boys are the producers’ target audience.
Following Sara’s go-go dance of the seven lacey onesies Whit expresses she’d like to get the hottie back to her hotel room. And since she’s such a ladies’ girl, Whitney of course succeeds. The pair starts out with some after hours topless snogging in the hotel pool. Whit says they want to “take this further physically, probably as soon as possible.” And that’s just what happens. The horny duo make their way to the shower for some private finger fucking with just two of them and a camera crew. I feel like I saw this scene on SkineMax once.
Poor Mikey. She’s pretty much locked into the LA Fashion Drama of the week this episode. It’s like watching the movie Armageddon – only it’s fashion and not an asteroid hurtling toward earth. She gets one problem handled and 15 more pop up. Currently she’s faced with renting a tent for the event that should run about 20K.
Back in the valley Tracy’s digging up clothes to wear for her Bound magazine fashion shoot. Stamie suggests Tracy sport a strap-on for the shoot – and idea I can get behind. Then Tracy decides to call her mom and toss Stamie’s name around a little like a desensitization exercise.
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Meanwhile Nikki and Jill are out wedding dress shopping on Melrose and Robertson. Nikki has deigned to wear an off-the-rack, not custom designed dress, and she happens to have found the perfect one.
Her very supporting mom is on hand to lend motherly advice, while Jill mourns her mom not being there to help. Cheers to the dress buying. Can we move on now?
Following Whit’s cozy night with Sara, she and the girls are out to brunch, and Whitney’s drinking a mimosa the size of Lake Huron. How does she not weigh 600 pounds? The girls engage in some light morning conversation about their formative sexual experiences, at which point one of Whit’s friends admits to daisy-chaining with her best girlfriends when she was young, which sounds so much better than playing ‘Five Minutes in the Closet’ with pubescent boys – the game that was popular when I was a kid.
Meanwhile, Natalie is prepping to leave her hair styling job of six years or so to work for Rose, and rather than support her girlfriend, who’s clearly nervous about her future, Rose takes Nat’s pissiness at the wedding reception as a “free pass” to book a pair of nasty-ass, fake-boobed strippers for a Bromance date with her girls. Rose is ever the opportunist. Argument with Girlfriend = Tits on the Head with Strippers to Rose.
For her final night in SF Whit hits up the legendary Lexington bar where she reveals a little vulnerability because Sara can love her and leave her just like she does all of her other tricks. Pot -- meet kettle – but this is why Whitney is lovable a the end of the day. For all of her machismo and bravado she’s sensitive.
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Tracy’s at her photo shoot for Bound and there a few familiar faces in the crowd, including Lucky Dog Leather guru Lucia Gerbino, who helped put together the shoot and whose t-shirts the girls are all sporting, photographer extraordinaire Beck Starr, the adorable Nat Garcia and We Have to Stop Now executive producers and stars Cathy DeBuono and Jill Bennett.
At Rose’s den of inequity, she’s teaching her ‘protégés’ how to objectify women and guzzle beer all for the price of dollar bills in the g-string and a snazzy hotel room. In an unprecedented bonding moment Rose and the protégés – aka future players – gaze upon LA’s city lights, and like a Syphilitic romantic poet from the 17th century Rose says, “That’s the world. There’s a lot of pussy out there.”
And then…the strippers arrive and it is some beyond-tacky shit. Once Rose and the protégés have engaged in lap dances, literal tits-on-the-head moments and general debauchery, she swears her crew to silence. “No Twitter, no MySpace, no Facebook,” she says. Ah… the price of being a deceptive in the social media age.
Tune in next week for more shenanigans manufactured by Showtime for the pleasure of heterosexual viewers completely devoid of knowledge of lesbian culture. Cheers!
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