Who doesn't love a girl who goes down hard then lands on top? Alright, maybe, the Lush, the perhaps Lez, the Lohan isn't exactly on top but at least she's making a Stoli Citrus Martini out of life's lemons.
But before I delve deeper into my favorite hot mess --the gift that keeps on giving--Lohan, I offer a mea culpa for my failure to sit my vodka-soaked ass down and produce even half a column since I dove into that sea of lesbians 10,000 deep at the Dinah two weeks ago. Four fun-filled, wholesome days of drunken, bikini-clad, sex-crazed lesbians wears a girl out.
A week of detox, Spirulina wraps and 24 hours straight of Lesbo deprogramming watching Home Improvement reruns and the Nora Roberts Collection on Lifetime later and I'm nearly ready for 'normal' society.
Hats off to The Dinah's mastermind Mariah Hanson and Club Skirts for throwing a marathon party that nearly renders a mild-mannered hermit like me incapacitated for the better part of a month.
For those of you who missed SheWired's ad nauseum Dinah photo rolls and Lady GaGa crotch-shot videos. And yes, that is lube on the lens of my camera! Don't ask...okay, ask!
If the barrage of Dinah footage we've already thrown your way weren't enough, look for yours truly guzzling a Bloody Mary while Top Chef's cutie-pie chef Jamie Lauren sips a mimosa in my exclusive interview with her.
And since that was the first of four on-camera interviews, I'm pretty sure my eyes were slits and I was laughing far too often and earnestly by the time I got to interviewing Exes and Oh's hot nerd Michelle Paradise, Queen "O" the Dinah Mariah and wickedly funny lady Suzanne Westenhoefer. As long I wasn't lifting my top and trying to tongue kiss them by the end I'd call it a success. So tune in for my making a minor ass of myself on camera debut coming soon!
From one hot mess to another, let's discuss Lohan! Talk about a phoenix rising from the ashes of her crashed Benz on Sunset Blvd. In the space of a week the Lush, the-- is she still and was she ever a Lez? --Lindsay, endured an embarrassing public 'Ross and Rachel' style break / break-up via Twitter, rumors of a restraining order initiated by her DJ to the Stars girlfriend of 18 months, Samantha Ronson's family and a trip to her hair stylist to reclaim her firecrotch, flame-red coiffure. Oh, and there was plenty of blogging, and trips to the Beverly Hills Rite Aid amidst a flurry of paparazzi.
But Lohan's piece de resistance is her wholly ironic, self-skewering Funny or Die homage to her litany of fucked-up-ed-ness -- all wrapped up in a neat lil' mock eHarmony ad.
Congrats to Linds for owning her shit for the world! Like those of us who've reclaimed those hateful words detractors might hurl at us like "dyke, homo, queer, Indigo Girls lover, drunk, nymphomaniac," and I'm just talking about what I was called at the Dinah -- with wit and sass Lindsay has disarmed those who would seek to take her down. If girl keeps it up she might actually land a slot in the pending Lifetime movies Jackie Collins' Collection.
And kudos to Lindsay handing a big flip off to those who've predicted her affair with Sam was a one-trick lesbian pony by markedly saying in the ad that her next love-- "he or she" --would have to be her designated driver!
Now that's my "get your 15-year-old Full House ass away from my girlfriend" Lindsay Lohan I know and love.
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On the subject of owning one's shit, pop sensation of the moment, Lady GaGa revealed the secret to her smash "Poker Face." Apparently endless layers akin T.S. Eliot's modernist masterpiece The Wasteland pervade "Poker Face."
"No he can't read my poker face. P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face. (Mum mum mum mah). P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face. (Mum mum mum mah)."
While the ditty undoubtedly brims with metaphor, I was certain the "poker" reference illustrated isolation in a post-techno, Twitter world that drives hard-working citizens to guzzle boxed wine and drop filthy coins into a slot machine--sans a bucket of Purell--at a chintzy casino in the desert in search of the American Dream. Alas, I was wrong. GaGa told the gay boys at the White Party last weekend that it's about getting with the ladies while banging the boys.
Yes, it's about the Lady's bisexuality! She said. "No he can't read my poker face," is coded language for her male lover not knowing she's dreaming of girl-on-girl while she's doing sexy times with him. I haven't gone down that path for a while, but I'm pretty sure once you've passed go with the fellas, most could care less what's on your mind. But then I'm a big homo, so what do I know. Why doesn't GaGa just get with a girl if she'll be thinking of one anyway? One thing I'm pretty sure "Poker Face" is not about is deep and abiding love with a life partner.
Chalk one up for the quiet ones. For six years, sweetie Laurel Holloman sat tacitly by while big-brained, hot-assed co-star Jennifer Beals hit up Letterman, Leno and the ladies of The View promoting the show. But Laurel sure flashed her filthy side at the Bravo A-List Awards, which were shot on April 5 and aired this week.
Nabbing an award for television's "Sexiest Moment" for her fucking in an elevator on 100-plus LA day scene with Ms. Beals--from season five --lil' Laurel talked a tad dirty to the crowd, which was rather titillating.
I tell you, it's those nice girl quiet types you have to watch. First, Laurel held up the award, which, after she pointed it out, did resemble an hourglass shaped glass dildo for the more ambitious sort of girl.
"This looks like a prop from my show," Laurel joked. And if sex toy joke weren't enough for
Bravo viewers on a Wednesday night, she continued by saying, "I don't know if anyone saw the rest of the scene but I sat on Jennifer's face." Admittedly bisexual and a gay rights advocate, Laurel didn't stop there.
"Television's getting very progressive if you can sit on a girl's face and win an award," Tina-- I mean Laurel --said. "I don't understand the Prop 8. thing."
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Well, brava to Laurel for calling out Prop 8! But why tease us Laurel? Tina never sat on Bette's face that I can recall. First, I'm fairly certain Bette Porter would never spread that gorgeous head of curly locks on the sticky floor of a public elevator, but if they did shoot the scene, where the bloody hell is it? If it's on the cutting room floor, then Mistress Ilene Chaiken needs to pick it up and cut it into a cohesive bit of soft-core to spruce up those lame-ass and sexless season six scenes.
It appears Chaiken and the Gang's European Art House attempt of a solipsistic piece of fuckery that was the season finale, has bit her --and poor Leisha Hailey-- in the ass. Showtime will not be picking up the L Word, women's prison spin-off, The Farm... Or what I like to call Oz meets Women in Chains meets Jane Austen's Emma.
In other, less-lesbianish news, Drew Barrymore and Jessica Lange are set to chew the scenery in the narrative film based on the Broadway musical based on the Maysles Brothers direct cinema-style documentary based on the bizarre existence of Big Edie Ewing Bouvier Beale and Little Edie Bouvier Beale in Grey Gardens. Yes, it's the film geek to show queen simulacrum in four easy steps.
While her choice of plastic surgeons is highly suspect at this point, there's no disputing Lange's thespian ability to deliver sublimely hysterical performances ala Frances and Blue Sky. But Barrymore's resume as star of ET, Charlie's Angels and Never Been Kissed, didn't quite impress the producers of the HBO film.
Drew purportedly fought hard to land the role of Jackie Onassis' cousin Little Edie, and it paid off. From the trailers at least, Drew nails the sad eccentric to a tee. Big Love's Jeanne Tripplehorn co-stars as Jackie. O.
Touching on the Bravo A-List Awards earlier I failed to mention that Laurel Holloman's naughty speech inspired host Kathy Griffin's to play her lesbian card and decide to go gay then and there. Like every good D-List reality star Kathy knows that climbing on the Lesbo bandwagon = good press! Now, I adore Kathy, but a disturbingly unsexy tongue kiss with Aubrey O'Day -- that's sure to cure gawker straight dudes of the obsession with girl-on-girl for the guy's sake --ensued. Yep, nobody needs to see that. Oh what the hell, here it is....
