Now that the turkey’s been cooked, stuffed and turned into brown-bag lunch sandwiches for the better part of a week, the holidays have officially arrived. Ahhh… that time of year when secular capitalists thrive in the name of Christianity. Except, with Black Friday behind us and the economy in the tank Christmas might actually be about family, loved ones, spiked egg nog and cider and slurring out a killer "Angels We Have Heard on High" 'round the tree.
Maybe this year I and my Grinch heart will grow 12 sizes and I won’t have to spend the day getting drunk on Miller Lite at the Truck Stop in Cabazon where Pee Wee Herman played in the mega-dinosaur. Long story…
And with that, let’s first turn to the gift that keeps on giving and doesn’t cost a thing, save for Grey Goose and Red Bull and the damage done to her reputation. That’s right. The Lush, the part-time Lez, the greatest gift of all, Lindsay Lohan, has taken to her Facebook to dispel the rumor that she and her DJ to the Stars Samantha Ronson are a love on the rocks -- and I'm not talking about Linds' beverage.
“oy vey! rumors.. just to clear this up.. because i have been getting a lot of emails asking me this one question. samantha ronson and lindsay lohan (me) are NOT breaking up. :)”
That fairly amounts to a less veiled admission of her love for her Celebrity Spinner -- and by spinner I mean…oh, nevermind. Anyway I’m happy for the Linds. She’s not sober, not according to video of the mixing a kicking cocktail for herself at Lotus in DC and then slugging it back, but at least the Lush is happy and she looks healthy. Girl on girl appears to agree with the Linds.
Of course, a day later she took to her MySpace to bitch about herFacebook which is kind of inherently fucked up, but alas, the social networking, real communication, heart to heart world in which we live. Apparently the powers that be at Facebook put the kibosh on Lindsay’s profile claiming her real profile was a fake. Will the real Lush, Lez Lohan please stand up? Here’s Linds’ thesis on herFacebook troubles after she established that they’d purposely disabled her account.
“once i got to that it gave a note saying why it was disabled which stated the note saying that it was disabled because they believe that i was a fake of myself. genius. here i am loving facebook (as well as myspace-hehe) but going on facebook to talk to some of my friends and they are thinking that I AM THE "FAKE" OF MYSELF!!!”
Part-time gay girl Linds goes on at length about the perils of Facebook, the curse of celebrity, The Society of the Spectacle, post-modernism and the art of social networking and so on… Naw. I made that up but she might as well have.
Since I snapped a pic of that hot-assed P!nk protesting to her heart’s desire at the Join Impact Rally in LA, I’ve had an unreasonable crush. Well, not that unreasonable. I haven’t replaced my framed Valerie Bertinelli circa 1978 poster with one of Pink yet… but it could happen. It seems that I’m not the only one with a penchant for some Pink. One Ms. Original American IdolKelly Clarkson appears a tad smitten herself.
The Lush Lohan isn’t the only one blogging these days. Big piped Kelly took to her blog to gush about P!nk -- and I’m not talking the pink that Lindsay gushes over -- or am I? I'm just saying... that "Sober" video could make anyone gush.
“i’ve been listening to pink’s [sic] new album, which i love! i have come to the conclusion that she is possibly one of the greatest talents of our generation. if you don’t have her new album you should get it ….favorites of mine are ‘please don’t leave me’, ‘bad influence’, ‘crystal ball’, and ‘mean’. i don’t think it’s possible for her to come out with something bad because her voice is like a classic story, you just wanna freakin’ hear it over and over again!”
To be fair, Kelly also raved about the Sexiest Man Alive or the Most Beautiful Person or the Biggest Pecs, or whatever objectifying honor was recently bestowed on Hugh Jackman but Kell had this to say about that hunk of man meat.
“i saw the movie ‘australia’ tonight with a friend and i mean wow ….god did good when he made hugh jackman!”
While Kell gives Hugh a lovely endorsement she doesn’t quite write with the ardor she does for P!nk. I know. I know. Her love for the Pink – I mean P!nk – is purely professional, blah, blah, blah, whatever. Can’t I at least dream about it?
Now that I’ve waxed on about the Linds and the Clarkster for nearly 800 words, here’s the down and dirty on few other lesbianish nuggets before I move on to ruining your year by revealing the Secrets of the L Word… or as I like to call it, who the fuck bites the bullet this season?
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Congrats to Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton for burying that nasty primaries’ hatchet and proving they can play nice as President-Elect and Secretary of State who should make the cut as long as Big Bill Clinton keeps his fly and mouth zipped and he promises to come clean about all those specious international donors to the “I Heart Bill” foundation.
It’s not just Lindsay kissing girls these days. She’s passed the LUG baton to Nip /Tuck alumna and 90210 redux bitch-on-wheels AnnaLynne McCord. The paparazzi snapped pics of AnnaLynne over a month ago snogging a female friend following lunch at Newsroom Café on Robertson -- a tres vegetarian hang out, I might add. Just recently AnnaLynne was snapped with her ginger kitty on the set of 90210. I’m just saying… if the Croc fits.
Leave it to Hollywood’s finest to pit the Mormons and the gays against one another in a musical. I just saw the remastered 70 mm print of West Side Story at Hollywood’s Egyptian Saturday and the Mormons v. the gays is akin to the Jets v. Sharks.
FunnyorDie.com did it again. Composer extraordinaire Marc Shaiman is the talent behind Funny of Die’s Prop. 8 The Musical, which stars Allison Janney, Kathy Najimy and John C. Reilly as Mormons and Margaret Cho and Maya Rudolph and more as gays. Jack Black drops in as a singing Jesus and Neil Patrick Harris delivers the showstopper, a ditty about gay marriage saving the economy. It’s high camp at its best and still far butcher than West Side Story!
Speaking of Hollywood hitting a home run, Milk is about as good as it gets. Prior to my Tofurkey, yams and red wine binge Thursday, I warmed up with popcorn and coffee at a morning screening of Gus van Sant’s -- I'm calling it now, Oscar-winning -- Harvey Milk biopic. Short of rubbing popcorn salt in my eyes as I wiped away the steady stream of tears -- and yes the movie was that good. It wasn’t just hormones -- the film arrives at a particularly prescient time, making it a fresh and emotionally-charged event. Anyway, there were scant girls having it off in the Castro in the mid-Seventies but little Allison Pill’s -- virtually the film's only female character -- is a force as Milk’s kick-ass lesbian campaign manager Anne Kronenberg.
Finally…the big reveal…if you haven’t already read it all over the web. And get this SPOILERS—SPOILERS—SPOILERS -- SPOILERS Ahead !!! And yes, I bow in the general direction of AfterEllen.com's Dorothy Snarker for reporting this gem.
I’d hate to fuck up anyone’s joy in eviscerating that little lesbian show that could, The L Word, come its season premiere but there’s an entire contingent of haters out there who’re going to be pissed when they don’t have Jenny Schecter to push around anymore!
That’s right, Ilene Chaiken’s alter-ego, the troubled, bisexual before she wasn’t, "Stacey Merkin is a vagina wig" hating, Sounder killing, inexplicably obsessed with that broad swath of euro slut Marina, Jenny, is found swimming with Bette’s fishes in the Porter skinny-dipping, sex pool. Yes, it’s all very Sunset Boulevard since the entire season will be told in flashback, and not via one of Shane’s Acid-induced flashbacks, which could be fun.
And not to guilt anyone but you all killed her. All of you who stood by season after season spewing hate for the hot, probably bi-polar, beautiful mess that is Jenny Schecter. You called for the head of Jenny Schecter and now you have it! There’s blood on all of your judgmental, Jenny Schecter despising hands.
Okay… so that’s a tad over the top. Forgive the histrionics. I’m surrounded by gay men all day who seriously argued the merits of Britney Spears v. Kylie Minogue earlier this week.
Frankly, I’ve always had a soft spot for lil Jenny because I feel like I’ve dated her brand of crazy time and time again. I mean, what will that memorial look like? A multi-media presentation of Lez Girls with a loop of Bette exclaiming “You’re dead meat. You’re just dead fucking meat Jenny Schecter?” Stay tuned.
Miss the last "Media Blender"? Read it here.
