Well, it's here, the count down to The Dinah -- the deadline I gave myself to transform into a size 6 in order to run around in a bikini top and do keg stands poolside in Palm Springs. Yes, I'm too old for that and I haven't quite hit my goal weight, but what the hell.
With the Dionysian Dykes and Dildos in the Desert Extravaganza one week away there's still time for some down and dirty dish. Okay...fuck the alliteration. Let's get to it. And because I've prepping for the Big D - and I don't mean Dana Owens aka Latifah - I've been lax in delivering the dirt. Okay..I swear, I'll lay off the D words.
But first, I never weighed in on the L Word...
It's been weeks since the big kiss-off and the L Word season finale has been pondered and deconstructed ad nauseum by pissed-off viewers, mystery lovers and pop culture aficionados seeking deeper meaning in Ilene Chaiken's paean to the art house cinema set.
And while many would like to move on from Chaiken and the Gang's meta-cum-modernist anti-cliffhanger in which she fancied herself a latter-day, lesbian Godard, Bergman or Antonioni, I must put in my two cents...
Typically I'd have ripped apart the finale in the minutia of recaps, but as I often mostly joke that I'm drunk on Sundays, I was a -- just add Grey Goose, Girl Gone Wild-- type of drunk that Sunday night in Weho and it's taken me nearly this long to recover. Add to that, a cold and a set of stolen hubcaps and I forwent the recaps, so this will have to suffice as my farewell to the little lesbian show that could.
Once an ardent lover of all things L Word, I anticipated re-watching the finale on the Monday after the big kiss-off on On Demand --sober, albeit hung-over -- and crying as the curtain closed on the West Hollywood, fashion-forward girl gang that has pervaded lesbian pop culture consciousness since 2004.
Perhaps it was the lingering headache and dehydration but that kept the tears from flowing, or maybe it was the pretentious, meta-ness of the damned thing but if Chaiken and Co. hoped to alienate its audience in Brechtian fashion, they succeeded. I mean, not even Bette between Tina's legs warmed my Grinch heart -- or warmed my anything else for that matter.
Framed like a negative to the show's uneven, but nevertheless, energetic, fun, fresh and prescient pilot, the finale, steeped in cynicism and solipsism, was just no fucking fun! And speaking of fucking...where was the sex in the final season? Anyway...
The "Who Killed Jenny Schecter?" non-murder mystery debacle aside--insert repeated, badgering, lobbed softballs beaten with blunt objects of clues about a faulty railing here --The L Wordlost its mojo. Don't get me wrong, a hot cast is a hot cast is a hot cast and objectifying them has become a national lesbian pastime but really? We weren't privvy to one final, full-on scene of Bette waxing hot and horny academic, Alice hurling witty barbs, Shane being stalked by Melissa Etheridge's wife? What a let down. And did I ask, where was the fucking? Farewell ladies...we loved you well and you deserved better.
The ink had barely dried on her exit paperwork from playing the most sought-after power dyke repeatedly objectified for her delts in a beater on the L Word, and Jennifer Beals is already signed on for a guest stint on the new Fox show Lie to Me, which stars Tim Roth. The beloved Bette, I mean Beals, will play Roth's ex wife.
Oh what do I care? If she's not tearing off Tina's dress, humping a prison wall while visualizing the carpenter or screwing Marlee Matlin amid art made from found metal, I'm not watching. But congrats to Jennifer for the gig. Here's hoping she turns up for a little tribadism on a prison wall in Leisha Hailey's Big House spin-off, The Farm.
In other sad but inevitable departure news, ER's last resident hot doc from season's past -- let's not discount Angela Bassett's assets -- eat-her-with-a-spoon, adorable Parminder Nagra's Neela bid farewell to County General last week. Those fat cats in advertising over at ER brought the other adorable hot-ass, Maura Tierney's Abby back for Parminder's departure, and alas, there remains no girl-on-girl between them.
Yes, ER's been good to lesbians over the years with casting Gia's -and Lost's-- Elizabeth Mitchell as IV-Stand-up-her-ass-crabby Kerry Weaver's coming out affair. But, bringing Abby back to give Neela advice via the phone -- a landline I might add -- was just one big tease.
The juggernaut medical drama that has paraded the likes of dependable eye candy including Juliana Margulies, Michael Michelle, Ming Na, Sherry Stringfield, Alex Kingston, Gloria Ruben, Maura, Parminder, Linda Cardellini, Jorja Fox, Kelly Martin, Liz Mitchell, Laura Innes, Angela Bassett and more... for 15 years or more -- is down to just two more episodes and it will be sorely missed.
The woman with a heart as big as her cup size, the at-once fully with and without irony, country music diva, Dolly Parton, just can't shake those rumors that she's a dyke. Not that Dolly appears to mind too much. From the top of her blonde updo the tips of her neatly painted toes, Dolly's just a giver who loves her gay fans.
Dolly's been married to her hubby Carl Dean since 1966, but AARP magazine -- of all publications--got the living legend to spill about her BFF Judy Ogle.
"We're absolutely, totally honest, open, and comfortable with each other. We've been accused of being lovers," Dolly spilled to AARP. " We do love each other, but we've never been like that."
Damn it Dolly, that's not the answer we wanted. You and Judy never had a peck on the lips? Not even after an evening of biscuits and gravy with a Wild Turkey and Coke chaser while serenading her with a stirring rendition of "My Tennessee Mountain Home" and picking the Dobro? -- because I'd be a goner. And if you're going to be Dolly's BFF forever, I suppose "Ogle" is a fitting last name, since it's got to be pretty tough not to do. Just sayin'...
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On the subject of divas and legends, it looks like Anne Hathaway's perfect storm of wide-eyed innocence and Broadway-style belting at the Oscars, coupled with her nomination for playing a loose cannon of a barely recovering pill-popping drunk in Rachel Getting Married, landed her the role of Judy Garland in the new biopic Get Happy.
While Hathaway's got some impressive vocal and acting chops, my jury's out until she dons her ruby slippers and downers....although lil' Annie can "clang, clang, clang" on my trolley all day.
Besides, Annie's got Judy Davis's over-the-top masterpiece performance in the made-for-TV classic, My Life with Judy Garland: Me and My Shadows, to live up to. Here's hot-ass Aussie Davis chewing the scenery as Garland.
Speaking of shadows, good for Portia de Rossi for stepping out of hers. While Big Gay Ellen Degeneres is current patron saint to bored, muumuu-clad housewives worldwide, her lil' woman Portia has played the role of hot-assed arm candy since Arrested Development prema-fucking-turely went off the air after a mere three seasons.
Portia's back in a power suit emasculating men -- and that's how we like her - in Better off Ted. But beyond her new gig on a prime-time set, the likable lezzie's been making the talk show circuit, famously stopping off at her wife's show and avoiding intimate questions in a watered-down version of The Newlywed Game. While Portia toned it down for daytime talk show set, she did discuss make-out sessions with Ellen with Jay Leno.
Like a 12-year-old boy hot for teacher, I'm fairly certain Leno couldn't have moved form his desk for sometime after Portia exited the couch, but good for her. In discussing the diff between kissing boys and girls --as if that's even worthy of discussion -- Princess P said there's no pain involved when she and Ellen make out -- from beard burn that is.
The smokin' lez from down under also made an appearance on Jimmy Kimmel Live, replete with a faux PSA apologizing for her gay marriage. Ellen had better look out. There's a rising star on that lesbian compound she's building in the Hollywood Hills.
On a serious note, farewell to the lovely, intuitive, generous Natasha Richardson. Part of the acting dynasty including her mom Vanessa Redgrave, aunt Lynn Redgrave and her sister Joely Richardson, Natasha was a class-act of stage and screen and advocate for gay rights and for HIV / AIDS prevention.
ANOTHER gay adult star gets POUNDED after coming out as a Trumper