Welcomeback SheWired readers to a little self-indulgent column I call my Media Blender. It's really just a chance for me to wax earnestly poetic, nostalgic, horny and gossipy about, well, any celebrity happening that causes my ears to perk, my hair to stand on end or lady parts to quiver. Lindsay Lohan, Kate Winslet, Kelly Clarkson and Penelope Cruz are a few Blender regulars, so I give you fairwarning....at least two of that quorum are touched on today!
Since I last attempted to string more than two sentences together in something longer than a Twitter update, about 40 states have passed gay marriage while the California Supreme Court chose to uphold that hateful little fucker of an anti-gay marriage measure, Prop 8. Funded by the Mormon Church and bolstered by the forward thinkers at NOM, who were behind that visionary video "The Gathering Storm," the left coast is quickly becoming the left-behind coast as you can barely swing a lesbian's pet cat in New England these days without hitting a married pair of happy homos.
Sure, any stoner with a Dr.'s note can buy medicinal weed at "Farm-acys," on every street corner in California to cure the mundane, can't handle life sans smoking out kind of malady. Meanwhile the will of the people and the supreme court -- that voted for gay marriage before it voted against it -- has affectively marginalized the homos.
But here's the rub -- and it's a good one -- Prop 8 marches and rallies are the newest hot spot for celebrity gawkers to rub elbows with and engage in meaningful chants, whoops and hollers, with A-Listers.
Before the ink was dry on the supreme court's decision to uphold the will of 51 percent of misinformed California voters, homo-loving celebs including once-upon-a-time a bisexual -- or is she?-Drew Barrymore, Kathy -- where my gays at? -- Griffin, her boxed-wine swilling lovely mom Maggie and a host of other hot-assed celebs stormed the streets of West Hollywood for the most star-studded event in town since, well, since the will of the people and ATT elected nice Christian boy Kris Allen American Idol over Sioxsie Sioux and Freddie Mercury's gay love child, Adam Lambert.
One Tree Hill hottie Sophia Bush marched and teased the lesbians sporting an American Apparel "Legalize Gay" t-shirt, while Phantom of the Opera chanteuse -- and a damned tall drink of water -- Emmy Rossum and Dollhouse badass Eliza Dushku took one for the gay team and marched in six-inch heels. Now those are some devoted straight allies!
SheWired's Boo Jarchow and Sophia Bush
Throw in a rally the following day at the Beverly Hilton, where Obama was honing his stand-up for deep-pocketed Hollywood heavy hitters including Ashton and Demi and Steven Spielberg. As the gays --including the accidental Don't Ask, Don't Tell activist and Arabic translator who was recently fired from the Army, Lt. Dan Choi -- waved rainbow flags, American flags and protest signs across the street. One particular sign read "You Promised," which prompted Obama to haughtily say that he didn't know to which promise the protester was referring. Now Obama's being held to task by gob-smacked, befuddled and disappointed Obama supporters who anticipated he'd move the moon for the LGBT community just because he kinda / sorta said we deserve equal rights while he was courting our vote. Oh well...Change / schmange. Time will tell.
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Next up, Oscar winner and South African beauty Charlize Theron turned up for Meet in the Middle, the epic march and rally that drew thousands to God-forsaken Fresno for the weekend. Lean, tall, porcelain-skinned, graceful and just-plain fucking cool, Charlize hung out behind the scenes, listening ardently to speeches by luminaries Cleve Jones, Lance Black and more.
Cleve Jones and Charlize
Charlize and her mom, Gerda Theron
There with her mom Gerda and a couple of gal pals, rumor has it Charlize was mugging for the point-and-shoot cams, bestowing lingering kisses on her girlfriends. There with her mom Gerda and a couple of gal pals, rumor has it Charlize was mugging for the point-and-shoot cams, bestowing lingering kisses on her girlfriends. Sadly, I missed her repeated acts of lesbian solidarity, so I'll just have to watch Monster and Head in the Clouds on repeat for snippets of Charlize macking on Christina Ricci and Penny Cruz respectively.
And yes, SheWired was there live streaming and bringing the momentous occasion to gay marriage supporters across the universe and to some nearby Californians who couldn't be bothered to drag their lazy asses to Fresno. While we covered the event to the tee my co-worker and gay bitch pal, Advocate.com Editor Ross von Metzke, has yet to forgive me for failing to ingratiate myself to the statuesque Oscar winner Charlize.
Me in my Cargo Shorts with Boo Jarchow
But here's why I couldn't take the sycophantic leap. It starts with the ugly-ass cargo shorts I was sporting in the unforgiving, 95-degree Fresno heat -- the only less-than-full-length, non-denim article of clothing in my arsenal -- toss in PMS and a little fuzzy brain from a vodka and soda too many the night before and the result was compromised self-esteem unworthy of chatting it up with Ms. Theron. But that's well and good because she's already thrown her support behind a National March on Washington on October 11!
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Moving on from the semi-political star fucking to another stunning Academy Award winner...I had declared SheWired a "Kate Winslet-Free Zone" following my ad nauseum waxing horny over the Winslet during Awards' season, but the Brit bombshell made my morning recently when I read that she copped to Allure magazine that while she'd play a Nazi and a woman who beds teen boys for The Reader, there was no way in hell she'd sport a vagina wig. That's right...a "merkin," as in The L Word's Jenny Schecter's nemesis Stacey Merkin, who was embodied by Dawn Weiner herself -- Heather Matarazzo.
Generally I pride myself on retaining a Rain Man-like affinity for knowing and recalling every random piece of useless info I can stuff into my Rioja-soaked brain, however, I had no idea that a merkin was actually a "a vagina-wig." I thought that Jenny Schecter just made that up, like an earwig...you know, an annoying, burrowing insect -only ones that reside on or around the vagina. That Ilene Chaiken and the gang was a clever bunch!
But back to the subject of Winslet's carpet. Here's what Kate had to say about her pubic hair problem:
"Let me tell you, The Reader was not glamorous for me in terms of body-hair maintenance. I had to grow it in, because you can't have a landing strip in 1950, you know? And then because of years of waxing, as all of us girls know, it doesn't come back quite the way it used to. They even made me a merkin because they were so concerned that I might not be able to grow enough. I said, 'Guys, I am going to have to draw the line at a pubic wig. But you can shoot my snatch up close and personal.'" And boy did they ever. I'm fairly certain Dame Winslet won't need a trip to the GYN for another year.
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On to a trio of once-upon-a-promising starlet or socialite--all of whom are known for famously bearing the beaver. That's right the bushless limo gang of Britney Spears, Princess Paris Hilton and La Lush, La Lez Lohan are all making headlines.
First up, Brit's in hot water for some soft focus topless shots of her and a stripper pole from a 2007 video shoot for "Gimme More." File this under no big fucking deal. Girl knows how to use a stripper pole and her hair as an accessory. And she's a big girl. As long she's on her meds and refrains from screaming "my vagina's hanging out," before thousands of tween girls and burgeoning gay boys, she's on the right track.
Next, it's Paris and those pesky pussy-loving rumors. While it's fairly common knowledge around Hollywood that Princess P occasionally likes to plant her luscious Herpes Simplex One lips on gals around town, hack writer Elizabeth Jawhary, who penned the page-turner, Six Degrees of Paris Hilton, claims that she and Paris stripped and performed a lesbian sex show for wealthy men in Vegas. I'm guessing that stripping and making out with girls is something Paris does not just for wealthy men in Vegas but for UCLA Frat Boys, bus boys and girls at Chateau Marmont and the valet fellas at Koi. No big surprise there.
Paris in an L Word Lez Sandwich in 2008
Finally, the gift that keeps on giving, my fave Hollywood train wreck, the on-the-down-low Lush, the Lez, the Lohan! Aw. Lindsay. From erstwhile actress to full-time Sam Ronson stalker, Lindsay's persistence paid off. And she's happily Twittering away that she and her DJ to the Stars, Sam, are once again engaged in a healthy, loving Lesbo relationship.
Good on Linds! Ole gal showed she had a sense of humor about her "foibles" -- as a friend of mine refers to her penchant for magnums of Concha y Toro Cabernet -- with her Funny or Die eHarmony ad.
And after months of tenaciously following Sam to gigs-not unlike an old-timey hobo-Linds hopped a freight car --I mean, a high-speed train-to London to follow her heart and win back Ronson. Now that's a romantic!
The pair was espied holding hands at Heathrow not long before Linds Twittered away. "Leaving London but with my favorite favorite!!!-travel buddy&great news to share!! Maybe.... ;)" A tip of my so-last-year pageboy cap to Lindsay for owning her love of another woman. Way to go lez Linds! Now, if we could get Linds to slap on some of her trademark leggings -- rainbow print of course -- and march on Washington side-by-side with Charlez.
