Media Blender 2008: Jennifer Beals, Lindsay Lohan, Tina Fey

As you raise your glass of Christmas cheer it's the perfect time to reflect on and be thankful for all the down and dirty gossip from the previous year. While Christians and capitalists alike join their families in celebrating the season, my family Christmas is on hold until I head home to little Connecticut for a trip in February.

Meanwhile, I'll be riding the bull topless at Sunset Boulevard's delightfully tacky Saddle Ranch with a group of disparate friends while visions of Kate Winslet in Revolutionary Road and The L Word season six screeners dance around in my mimosa-soaked head.

From The L Word's penultimate season to gay marriage and it's subsequent stripping away in California, to Sarah 'Fey'lin mania, here's a look back at Media Blender 2008.

 January: The L Word Season Premiere at Factory

Seasoned L Word junkies stood out in the rain for hours-like gay men camping out for Bette Midler tickets-at West Hollywood's The Factory Sunday for the Los Angeles premiere of the tasty show that put hot lesbian sex on pay per view television-and for a glimpse of the iconic cast members strolling the rain-drenched red carpet.

While it's not unusual around Weho to catch an occasional glimpse of Leisha, Kate or Daniela kicking around town, the show's heavy-hitting half-sisters Pam Grier and Jennifer Beals took to the carpet-and I don't mean the kind of carpet Bette frequents on the show.

While US Magazine's dumbass reporter insisted on a stream of non- L Word related questions-since he admittedly had never seen the show-I stuck to what I know best, which is downright sycophantism. When the Empress of Smiling While Crying and Keeping her Big Browns Wide Open, Ms. Beals strolled by, I sincerely-in a sucking up sort of way-said, "Jennifer, I don't have a question but I must comment that I'm boycotting the Golden Globes because you're not nominated. It's long overdue." A smiling, gracious and ironic Ms. Beals' laughed and said, "From your lips to God's ears. You are the sweetest thing."

 February

Wellesley alumna and closest damned thing we've ever had to a woman ruling the White House Hillary Clinton sent a Valentine's Day card to her queer brethren via Our Chart. Stopping short of sending chocolate covered bon-bons and bath beads, Hills wrote this-and much more-to her gay supporters, "America deserves a President who appeals to the best in each of us, not the worst; a President who values and respects all Americans and treats all Americans equally no matter who they are or who they love. I want to be that President. I want to be your President." Thanks Hillary for ensuring we all have at least one Valentine!

March

Let's keep our fingers crossed she's a baby dyke, Juno's Ellen Page teased the trendy True Religion jeans and retro-print t-shirts right off legions of Lesbos on Saturday Night Live this week. And this week, Little E responded to the rumors on Saturday Night Live with a hilarious riff on what the masses consider all things Lesbo.

For the skit, Ellen's thinly-veiled SNL alter ego returned home to her boyfriend-Andy Samberg- butched out following an illuminating night at a Melissa Etheridge concert. Just to hear eat-her-with-a-spoon adorable Ellen utter the words, "Indigo Girls, 'Closer I am to Fine,' great big lezzy jam and athletic girls in tank tops," was enough to send budding gay girls and dyed-in-the-wool dykes alike into fits of longing.

But the proverbial icing on Ellen's cake was when she dropped to her back with her legs in the air and queried, "Why does everything have to have a label? Why can't I just hug a woman with my legs in friendship if I want?"

Here are a few high school-esque superlatives to wrap-up the L Word's season denouement.

Best reappearance by a drop-to-your-knees gorgeous, beloved Brit character back from the lam with her prison bitch-Rachel Shelley, tanned and wild looking arrived back from her Tahitian hideout just in time to wield her big bank book and save Kit's ass while giving Elizabeth Keener's Dawn Denbo a long overdue comeuppance.

Best Delivery by a Wacky Socialite Cougar who thinks she's on her deathbed-Holland Taylor as Peggy Peabody ripping apart Helena's island-wear even as Peggy thinks she's dying from a rare jellyfish sting.

Best Use of a stalwart Hollywood Cougar kicking flippant young slut ass-Cybill Shepherd scaring the be Jesus out of Shane to rescue her daughter Molly from heartbreak-and let's face it-from being a joke in Academia circles, because those nerds are the biggest snobs of all.

Most Cringe-inducing use of Mixed Media while Flipping a Big Fuck You to a Hot-assed Ex Lover-Jodi's installation art, which incidentally has nothing to do with her use of found materials-unless of course she's creating The Blair Witch Project-The Bette Porter Files.

Most gratuitous-much to the viewer's pervy delight-use of deltoids in a single shot-Jennifer Beals' bared shoulders while slow dancing and feeling up Tina at the Lez Girls wrap party.

Most Out of Character Back Stabbing by a Slut Who'd Always Proven to a Rock Solid Friend-Shane going down on Nikki at the Lez Girls wrap party and breaking Jenny's heart. As an ardent Jenny is wacky and I've dated a few like her-supporter-I must concur that Shane broke my Grinch heart as well.

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April

In a fell swoop, kinda-sorta out Lesbo Jodie Foster proves that despite the trucker's voice, she's always a lady and Jay Leno demonstrates what we all knew by revealing his 12-year-old boy with a permanent woody true colors.

Dame Jodie appeared on The Tonight Show to promote her new kids' film Nim's Island and Leno gave her a lot more than she bargained for. The sexed out talk show host preyed on what is likely Jodie's only weakness-her fear of snakes, insert Freudian joke here-and whipped out a writhing blondish snake for her to fondle.

Now here's why Jodie's a true lady. First, she copped to her fear of snakes with absolutely no lesbian-ish irony. Then, Jodie refrained from kicking the shit out of Leno for even suggesting she look at a snake, never mind touch it. Really, she could have brought out a bevy of beefed up go-go boys to give Leno a lap-dance, thereby forcing the ole erstwhile homophobe to confront his fears head on... pun intended.

But here's why Jodie's really a lady. Rather than argue about touching the snake or dyking out on the skunk-headed perv, she giggled and wrapped her short, manicured fingers right around that old snake. Just like in high school. It's probably the first time Jodie's been that close to something she found repulsive to touch since shooting Bugsy Malone with Scott Baio when she was about 12.

In a perfectly inspired-too good to be true-moment of pure Hollywood brain candy, La Lush Lindsay Lohan threw a gauntlet down at Little Ashley Olsen, who chatted up Lind's girl Samantha at Manhattan's Beatrice Inn.

"Get your 15 year-old Full House ass away from my girlfriend!" Linds shouted at the hapless one-half of the Olsen Empire, according to the New York Post's Page Six. Lindsay is so rich. She's the twisted gift that just keeps giving. No word on Ash's response but here's hoping she and Mary Kate are plotting to bum-rush Linds and sack her at Chateau Marmot the next time there's a Hollywood throw down.

Congrats to sweet-assed Queen of the Nerds, Tina Fey and foolishly funny Amy Poehler for landing the number one box office slot this week with the silly but enjoyable romp, Baby Mama. Let's hope their box office pull heralds an end to the fat, shlubby, dumb-ass, loser-boy-gets-the-hot-girl comedies that have dominated Hollywood with the reign of such vengeful, couldn't-get-laid-in-high-school nerds like Judd Apatow. For which Seth Rogen and Paul Giamatti have become the poster man-children.

May

Those high-fashioned, Cosmo-sipping, horny gals from SATC joined Oprah for a bit of a cast reunion this week prior to the wildly-anticipated big-screen follow-up to the little show about the most-beloved sluts of all time. Really though, Sarah Jessica Parker, Kim Cattrall, Cynthia Nixon and Kristin Davis were just as adorable and timeless as ever.

Of course, Oprah, being the closet-case gossip whore that she is fairly by-passed everything about the film and hopped right into Cynthia's love life with her partner Christine Marinoni.

Discontent that Cynthia appeared perfectly and non-salaciously, nonplussed about meeting and falling in love with a woman-with nary a segue from the breast cancer discussion, during which Oprah, channeling a 12-year-old boy had asked Cynthia if she cried when she received the diagnosis, Oprah said, "And then you fell in love with a woman. Were y'all as shocked as we were?"

It turns out Cynthia might have only cried tears of joy because she replied, "I didn't cry but it made my day." Awww. Cynthia also spilled that the first of the gals to weather the Cynthia Nixon's-a-big-fat-lesbian storm, was Kristen Davis, who's pals with Cynthia's girl Christine.

And like her wide-eyed idealist and love addict alter-ego Charlotte, Kristen said she wasn't surprised that Cynthia fell for a woman. "Love is love." And then Cynthia and Kristen made out on Oprah's couch in a show of solidarity.

June

The rest of the world continued to churn out its down-and-dirty gossip but for bona fide California queers the past several days have been marriage, marriage, marriage

After 55 years together, octogenarians Phyllis Lyon and Del Martin said their "I do's" at precisely 5:01 p.m. Monday in big gay San Francisco.

Meanwhile gay rights and gay marriage activist and women's music fest producer Robin Tyler and her partner Diane Olson tied the knot on the steps of the Beverly Hills Courthouse before a handful of friends and family and hundreds of clamoring media outlets.

That's right girls! The lesbians beat the gay boys to gay marriage in California, with these two stalwart couples becoming the first two couples in the state to make it legal. Although, when you consider that the gay boys play in bathhouses and backrooms while lesbians get into public ass-grabbing in the plumbing aisle of the Home Depot, it's no small wonder the lesbians beat the gay boys to the proverbial altar.

Like the second coming or Armageddon, after a myriad of fantasy, myth, fear-mongering and false alarms, Mother Superior Angelina Jolie of the Holy Order of MILFs and Bad-Assed Action Stars, has dropped her twins. Angie and her man, the admittedly adorable, Brad Pitt became parents for the fifth and sixth times to lil' Vivienne Marcheline-named in honor of Angie's mom who passed away last year-and Knox Leon-named for Brad's gramps.

Ange birthed the angels at a tres chichi private hospital in Nice, France on Saturday. Nice's mayor or highest public official made a television appearance to say that the town was thrilled to be the next, ostensible Bethlehem.

Who can begrudge these two do-gooders? Saving the world one adopted baby at a time? Side-stepping the paparazzi and hawking their own baby's pics to People mag or the highest bidder for charity? But Ange, now that you've got half a dozen off-spring or way-off-spring, how about throwing the gay ladies a bone and playing your former bi-sexual self in a biopic of Angelina Jolie... the Early Years?

July

Spandex, tank tops and sweat oh my! It's the dog days of the summer and hot-assed, world class athletes are flexing all in the pool, on the bike, on the balance beam and more. It's enough to make the laziest of lezzies want to slap on the old Speedo and get in a few strokes.

Meanwhile, most of us gay girls will fantasize couch side and perhaps hit the carpet for a few ab crunches out of sheer guilt while leering at swimming's Natalie Coughlin lapping up her Gold.

From beach volleyball's ubiquitous girl-on-girl ass-slapping to the sucking sound of Dara Torres pulling her wet Speedo away from her breasts, hot-bodied babes aren't the only reason to sit glassy-eyed before the tube for hours on end.

August

This weekend the hills were alive with the sound of Hollywood's power Lesbos saying "I do."

That's right, the crowned princesses of Hollywood lesbian royalty-I'd call them queens but let's face it, that's reserved for the boys-Ellen Degeneres and the lovely Portia de Rossi became the highest profile homos to take advantage of gay marriage in the Golden state since the California Supreme Court overturned the silly-ass ban on same-sex nuptials this spring.

While Dame Ellen and Princess Portia well deserve their special day... why deprive their gay brethren the rubbernecking thrill of blowing the doors off of their wedding day Royal Wedding style? I mean really. There was no parade of Subaru's through West Hollywood with the lesbian royalty perched on the back seat of an Outback waving to the throngs while the train of Portia's pretty in pink Zac Posen dress trailed through the streets past The Abbey, East West, Fiesta Cantina, The Palms and the myriad dens of iniquity WeHo offers.

Is it too late for two smart women in the White House? I'm starting my own Clinton / Obama ticket and that's for Hillary and Michelle! Picture the big-brained babes reading Jane Austen and Susan Sontag aloud to one another while enjoying tag-team mani / pedis in the Oval Office.

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Oh... don't burst your veins Obama devotees. I'm pulling the Obama lever come November whether it's Barack or his wife on the ballot! Alright, enough of that political crap. It's time to get down to what really makes me tick and that's celebrity dirt and girl on girl gossip.

September

Like Jesus and The Beatles before her, Sarah Palin mania has swept the country and here at "Media Blender," I am not immune!

Where does a media-saturated gay girl who can no longer ascertain the intersection of trashy politics and pop culture begin? With politics as rich as a former beauty queen cum small-town mayor of Meth central, turned Alaska's gun-toting Governor, cum Republican Veep candidate, who needs trashy television?

First up, just when it looked as though no one would nail Shot Gun Sarah harder than Gina Gershon in her hilarious FunnyorDie.com send-up, along comes the Queen of the Bespectacled Hot Nerds Tina Fey to unseat Gershon in her three-day reign as Star Palin impersonator.

Tina and her adorable fop of a funny friend Amy Poehler delivered a gut-grabbing, tears-down-the-face skit for Saturday Night Live's intro this weekend. Lil' Amy donned the grey pantsuit to skewer smarty-pants Hillary Clinton while Tina, decked out in a ruby-red skirt suit with matching lipstick and the take off the glasses and undo the bun and fuck me look.

The dynamic duo of funny gals, who premiered their hot-assed chemistry on Weekend Update-arguably the wittiest combo since Dan Ackroyd and Jane Curtin-and then topped the box office this April in Baby Mama, delivered their pièce de résistance with the Palin / Clinton piece. With Tina's spot-on Palin and Amy's cracker-jack timing, the skit will go down in SNL history, meanwhile flipping a big fuck you to bloated, red-faced stick-in-the-mud Christopher Hitchens' assertion in Vanity Fair that women aren't funny.

October

The moon is in the seventh house, it's kismet, the stars and menstrual cycles have aligned or some such nonsense for Xena cum The L Word loonies. That's right, the breast-plated, sword-wielding warrior herself, Lucy Lawless, took to her blog to announce she's slated for a couple of guest spots on The L Word's final season.

Hold on to your horned helmet and faux fur vests because Lucy taunted the hell out of her legions of devoted fans on her official website, LucyLawlessFanclub.com, thereby sending hapless Xena aficionados and erstwhile L Word junkies into months of anticipatory speculation and face-fanning about just what or who she's going to do on The L Word.

Lucy's cryptic blog missive read, "...look for me on The L Word at some point. Can't tell you anything about that -- it's deep in the closet." Here's hoping, for the sake of Lucy's devotees that she's not just talking about Xena reruns playing in the background of Mia Kirshner's Jenny's next sex obsession in which she throws in the Hollywood towel and heads to the Inland Empire to play a submissive serving wench at a series of Renaissance Fairs, finding her true self in the spanking / photo-op booth, located between the mega-Fred Flintstone-esque Turkey Leg stand and the weapons' forging tent.

How in God's name is a sensitive, cry-baby prone girl like me supposed to tune into NBC these days without welling up every time they air an ER commercial for Abby's departure? I mean, after nine years and hundreds of episodes of hot-assed, brooding, sad-sack, boozer Nurse / Dr. Abby, it's a sad day in the ER. This one is going to hurt.

While there's no denying Linda Cardellini's, Parminder Nagra's and the latest Chief of Staff, the perennially stunning Angela Bassett's charms, losing Maura Tierney and her wholly kissable perma-pout is a big fucking deal.

Here's the thing with Grey's Anatomy. The writer's got it all wrong this week. Sara Ramirez, whether in character out, is the type of girl who would just go whole hog, no hesitation, no regret. And I don't buy it! First off, congrats to both Sara's Callie and Brooke Smith's Erica remaining true to good sluts everywhere -- and that's getting tipsy on red wine and fucking on the first date.

However, Callie's post-coital regret is just out of line. Sara and Callie would never be that girl who hovers around the ole navel ring, mumbling "What do I do?" That sort of shit is grounds for dismissal. Sorry, either you have it or you don't. And hitting up your ex BF Dr. McDroopy for an oral sex tutorial is just lame.

That said, Callie gets a pass this week, because she's Sara Ramirez. But that's it. Remember, a good slut always commits Callie! If the writers hadn't pussied out, Callie and Erica would have woken up with that "Wow... what the hell did we just do?" look, followed by a tiptoeing around the room tidying up the sex toys while the coffee brews, guzzled a cup of java and then done it again on the living room carpet. The FCC be damned!

November

Of all the anti-Prop. 8 press splashed on the news -- save for here in So-Cal where the wild fires reasonably upstaged the protests -- the big shout out is in order for one Ms. Funny Woman Wanda Sykes who came out not only as a big lez but a married one at that at the Las Vegas rally. Wanda turned up unannounced and rolled the dice on coming out...and without hammering out the details of an Ok or People magazine variation on the "Yes I'm a Dyke" cover theme.

December

Ah...the close of the year is nigh. It's a time for reflection and for fresh beginnings, for mourning of the series finale of South of Nowhere and a time to anticipate the sixth and final season of The L Word knowing that Leisha Hailey's Alice Doesn't Live in Weho Anymore, or whatever they intend to call it, spin-off is right on its heels.

That said, I was wholly late to the party with SON. For years I'd heard tell of this teen show with the girl-on-girl storyline and I just never imagined it would be so damned fetching.

Hell, when I was in high school my erstwhile girlfriend and I settled for drunken fumblings in the back seat of her VW Rabbit before she headed off to her boyfriend. There was no in-school hand holding, hugging or candid girls' room chats. There was no sharing of lip gloss, no playing hooky at the beach in Malibu and no slow-dancing at the prom. Farewell to those husky-voiced cuties Spashley and here's hoping we see Mandy and Gaby enjoy long, fulfilling careers with plenty more girl / girl roles to come. Just a thought...