It's week six of the L Word's crowning season and devoted lesbians, fan girls and the like are beginning to feel those withdrawal tremors. We welcome you back to SheWired's L Word recaps for a quick fix...or better yet, where we try to answer the question, "Who the Hell Cares Who Killed Jenny Schecter?"
Pop a Lactaid and dig into "Lactose Intolerant," cheese and all. "Lactose" opens with everyone's fave gal pal Jenny throwing Max a baby shower ala Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, replete with the Oompa Loompa theme song playing in the background. Bette balks at the inappropriateness of the dark Charlie theme for a baby shower but it's Max's fave story -- and let's face it, he's not thrilled with the prospect of being a dad, so dark sort of works. And Jenny gets to play Veruca Salt for the afternoon, so buck up and get over it Bette, Jenny essentially tells the L Word's hot-assed power dyke.
Meanwhile, Alice and Shane are getting high sucking on helium. "I want you to dump her," Alice tells her once BF. Alice on helium kind of sounds like Alice every day of the week.
Freshly tossed and sporting sexy bed head, Helena and Dylan turn up pawing each other.
"I want to get back into bed," Dylan cooes to the woman from whom she formerly tried to extort millions, and who can blame Dylan? Helena is one hot and horny, poor little rich girl.
As Helena and Dylan enter, still basking in their post-sex glow, the Queen of Meddling in Others' Personal Business, Jenny, shouts "I'm so happy for you both..." as if anyone gives a damn if Jenny approves. Veruca -- I mean Jenny - continues down the path of righteous fuckery telling Dylan "You passed the test with flying colors..." She goes on to regale Dylan with the entire sordid set-up and subsequent spying, for which every last one of our beloved WeHo ladies has metaphorical blood on her hands.
Typically, I'd side with Dylan and encourage her to head for the hills following this revelation -- or not. I mean, that Helena's got to be pretty mind blowing in the sack -- but that little faux sexual harassment suit she tried to slap on Helena, sort of weakens her right to full-on indignation.
It's time for the "Who wants to kill Jenny Schecter" countdown, and Helena's next. "I'm going to kill your fucking girlfriend," Helena shouts at Shane. Thus far, it's a tie between Alice and Helena for most believable delivery of "fucking wanting to kill Jenny." Plus, Helena's got the British accent on her side, which makes everything more compelling.
Cue the Betty theme song and the Cocktail and Pee Break sponsored by this week's cocktail - Roget's Champagne Split -- a Valentine's Day prezzie from Casablanca Restaurant in Venice, CA, where I dined with six gay boys. Only my gay BF Hector and I got the "Tracy and Hector" heart-labeled champagne split. It will be consumed during the course of this episode.
Back to "Lactose," and Max turned up for his shower just before the break, however I was so eager to miss the theme song, I ran to the bathroom and missed his entrance. He's sporting the Gene Wilder Willy Wonka coat and tails, while Shane's rocking a Johhny Depp meets A Clockwork Orange's Alex DeLarge's bowler cap ensemble. Lord knows, her muddled black eyeliner works for either character.
Other than the ussual suspects, Alice and Tasha's "third-wheel crush," Jamie, is the only "non-friend" at the shower, Jenny lovingly points out to Max.
Look out Alice, Tash and Jenny. Jaime and Shane meet for the time and there are sparks. Now, I'm typically not a fan of the first name mash-up but I'm plugging for a Shane / Jamie hook-up just so we can call them "Shamie."
While Max sits atop his Jenny-made throne looking like the Mad Hatter on Quaaludes, the others play fatuous shower games that should only be reserved for straight showers and the aunts and mothers who love them. First up, the gang take's turns measuring Max's ever-growing belly, which he wholly appreciates. Next up, they play the "Chocolate in the Diaper" game, or what I like to call, "the get me the fuck out of this living hell and get me a drink," game.
Apparently, Tina is a shit-sniffing savant, who always wins at the game, Bette announces. Who knew sniffing diapers was standard baby shower procedure? Tina sniffs away and comes up with "Skor Bar," and she scores! That's one for Tina. Next up, it's Helena, who's not playing their reindeer games. Jenny, who's ostensibly screwed up Helena's love life, has the audacity to call her "Miss Grumpy Pants."
Here's to Rachel Shelley for delivering -- hands down -- my favorite L Word line of all time. Brilliant in its simplicity and ability to cut through the bullshit, and Rachel delivers it dripping with British disdain, responding to "Miss Grumpy Pants," a tipsy Helena says, oh "Fuck off Jenny."
While the gals grill Max about his tosser baby daddy Tom, who's apparently bolted and changed both of his numbers, Shane and Jamie do the only reasonable thing and head off to the kitchen to get stoned. Lil Ms. "I want to ruin everyone's fun NOW!" Jenny wags a proverbial finger at them, sends Jamie back to the shit smelling game and accuses Shane of flirting. Shane admits she might have been and Jenny says she's okay with that. I mean, it's in Shane's DNA after all. It's like breathing, drinking espresso and going braless under a see-through T-shirt for her -- pre-ordained.
It's time for presents! And Max looks like he's about to sell all the baby gear on eBay and head the hell out of dodge. Bette and Tina bestow him with the stroller that does everything including taxes, Big Brained Bette jokes. There's no taking it step by step with the Mamas B and T. "Do you have a birth plan?" they ask. Pretty soon, the entire room is talking C-Section, episiotomy, breast pumps and more...
Eschewing his breast pump gift from Jenny, Max says the unthinkable -- that he won't be breast feeding. Jenny calls him selfish, telling him he has to think of the baby. Jenny meet Pot.
This barb from Jenny sends a slurring Helena over the edge. "What do you know about bringing up kids and family...?" Helena drunkenly queries, which leads me to suggest, Helena, meet Kettle. God love her, but I'm pretty sure she all but abandoned her kids to chase Dylan's extortionist tail three seasons ago.
Max has been brimming with fear and regret ever since he let a dirty boy dig around in his khakis and he's losing it. Suffering a full-blown panic attack, he's suddenly at Bette's and Tina's feet begging them to adopt his wee one. Meanwhile everyone in the room comes down with Karen Walker pronoun confusion syndrome interchanging the male and female pronouns at will. Someone's screaming to get Max some Xanax and Lexipro, while Helena slumps further into the carpet double-fisting Dos Equis.
In a move to regain control of his Thomas Beattie storyline, Max calls Oprah and gets a book deal. No, really, he just shaves his G.I. Joe beard.
Next up, Bette and Tina are seeking counsel from Jane Lynch's Joyce Wishnia regarding the baby adoption. It's all going smoothly, save for the fact that Joyce is texting Phyllis on her iPhone to say that Bette and Tina are boring her to tears. "LOL." They might make for good role models but happy, monogamous couples don't make for the most riveting storylines.
Just as it appears the adoption will go swimmingly, Joyce discovers that the birth mom is from Nevada. Hold up. That's one of the lovely states that doesn't allow gay adoption. There are a few options to getting around Nevada's nasty, hateful lil' piece of legislation, the most viable being to get the birth mother Marcy to deliver the baby in California, which could mean a houseguest for our lovelies.
Back at the house of Get the 3Way Over with Already, Alice, Tash and Jaime have been working out. They're sweaty, Jaime's sporting sexy short shorts and Jamie and Tash have joined the Skinny Ass Admiration Society.
"You're in great shape."
"No, you are."
"No, you're quads are amazing. Wrap them around my..." Never mind. You get the picture.
Flirting with disaster, the trio decides Jamie should shower at Alice's and Tash's place. Tash spies Jaime topless, which sends her right to Alice for a little, let's fuck on the couch while the girl we both want is wet and naked in the other room.
If you ask me, Alice is the winner in this equation. She gets off, Tash does all the work and Jaime just gets to listen to the sex moans, afterward engaging in a conversation while Alice tries to hide her post-orgasmic flush. And just an aside -- that Rose Rollins has quite a set of deltoids on her.
At the Porter manse, Bette and Tina are weighing their options about Marcy. Tina's concerned about how Marcy will leave her other illegitimate children to deliver their baby in California and Bette's gnashing her teeth about who'll have to cart Marcy's pregnant ass around since she won't have a car. That's a nice, open display of shallowness on Ms. Bette's part. Meanwhile, their contractor is a total butch dyke who doesn't know it. I'm not really sure what that has to do with anything or how it moves the story forward, but we know that Ilene Chaiken and the Gang have a master plan...so maybe it will matter, or perhaps it will become one of the L Word's great unsolved mystery storylines.
It turns out, Tina's on her way to NYC for a movie mogul meeting. She'll miss Bette's big art opening with that randy, divorcee looking to relive her college days, Kelly. But Bette and Tina are solid. They can handle a bi-coastal separation, however brief.
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Back at the hot mess of a relationship that is Shane and Jenny, the latter knows the way to Shane's heart, and that's stroking her ego and buying her things. Jenny's bought Shane a photography studio. Two things here... First, I'm going to ignore the fact that I never before heard that Shane's a shutterbug and chalk it up to my being drunk on Sunday nights. And second, did Shane not learn anything from accepting a hair studio from Sherry Jaffe?
Over at Hit, Helena's a hot drunk mess, picking fights and guzzling shots. Remind me to ask Helena how she does the Hollywood all-booze diet with out gaining an ounce. Recovering alcoholic Auntie Kit tries to intervene but Helena's having none of it.
Kit's drag queen crush Sunset Boulevard mistakenly implies that Kit and Helena are partners in every sense of the word. There's something about this drag queen that just doesn't sit right. She just isn't nearly as perceptive as the ones I've met and I'm sensing there's a reason for it.
Anyway, Kit proclaims her heterosexuality. "My body...it doesn't respond to its own kind," she says, grabbing Sunset's bicep, and sending her over the edge. I'm going to employ a little Will and Grace humor and quote Jack. 'Anne Heche Lafoon, he's straight!'
The up and coming titans of the art world, Bette and Kelly, are making their last-minute preparations for their big opening -- insert filthy pun here -- and Bette's instructing a peon on the fine art of gallery hanging. Sporting a power skirt and heels Bette finally climbs the ladder and does it herself, which causes everyone, especially Kelly, to check out Bette's assets atop the ladder. If only Kelly had mirrors on the tops of her Jimmy Choos.
Tina calls to tell Bette all is going well in New York. She met with Robert DeNiro's Tribeca partner Jane Rosenthal and it looks like Tina could be back in the biz. Bette and Tina are in the middle of mutually massaging each others' egos when Kelly steps in with a crisis over oysters. I'm certain there's a metaphor here, or at the very least, oysters will become integral to moving a plot point forward later in the episode. Wait for it.
Sensing Kelly has more on her mind than art and oysters -- or maybe Kelly wants to make art with Bette on the 8,000-thread count sheets -- Bette rips into her college crush about interrupting her call with Tina. They tousle about Bette and Tina's relationship, and suddenly, it's all, champagne smiles and the media. Bette and Kelly make the rounds together.
There to support their friend or to just maw on free Manchengo cheese, Veuve Cliquot and oysters Jenny tells Shane of Kelly and Bette, "They do make a beautiful couple though." She doesn't give a damn that Bette and Tina are becoming the Brad and Angelina of the lesbian community, saving the world one baby at a time. "They're both tall," Jenny says. And I have to agree. Tall women together make for a hot couple, especially when one of them looks like Jennifer Beals.
Cut to Shane slurping oysters. Jenny's got an aversion to them based on her once-upon-an-extensive het sex life, a vision she imparts to Shane.
Now, I don't typically call the L Word out for its over-the-top, meta, pop culture will eat itself kind of vibe, however, being the big homo that I am, in a pre-Oscar fury, I just happened to gay out to Tootsie the morning I saw this episode. And I'm going to say it. Quelle disgrace! The L Word ripped off Tootsie. It's too subtle an allusion to be called an homage. That's my assertion and I'm sticking to it but here's why...Kit's checking out the art, when a handsome man in a suit strikes up a conversation. She walks away from once, which might give him an indication to leave her the fuck alone, but no, he's straight and subtlety eludes him.
He approaches her again delivering a line she'd imparted to Sunset Blvd., about what she'd like a man to say when he approaches her. She doesn't recognize her own cheesy line and she douses him with a non-alcoholic beverage. That's ripped straight from a scene between Dustin Hoffman and Jessica Lange. Only a complete cinepheliac nerd like me would know that...but still...it's the one storyline Kit's had since season three and they go and filch it from a comedy classic?
The queens of three way blue balls -- I mean foreplay -- have arrived. And Tasha and Jamie somehow decide that an art opening is the right place to wax nostalgic about their semi-abusive / neglectful childhoods. Blah, blah, blah... It's not that I'm insensitive - well, maybe I am. But really, where's the tawdry three-way sex? -- which is looking less and less likely, since Alice appears to be sensing a little too much bonding between her paramour and their mutual crush.
Amid all of this cross-cutting, Niki Stevens has arrived via a mini red carpet and a wave of paparazzi. Being the vapid brainchild that she is, she glances at the art, declares she doesn'understands it, locates Shane and the two of the speed away leaving Jenny in a cloud of oyster shell dust.
Voila, Shane takes Niki to the photography studio to show the starlet her etchings. Doesn't Shane know not to play in the trap that Jenny built for her? Dark room sex seems inevitable at this point. Shane has set the mood, bringing a fling to the studio her girlfriend built, only to practice her developing skills on a photo she took of the last love her life, Molly. It's just all kinds of wrong and it becomes apparent that Shane is a lost cause of a sex addict and that she might not even be firing on all cylinders.
Molly's pic -- Clementine Ford looking so much like her on-screen and off Mama Cybill Shepherd here -- is soaking in the pan while Shane and Niki begin to proceedings to get it on. But either the oysters Shane ate or Jenny's powers of telekinesis intervene and Shane interrupts tonguing Niki to puke in the pan where Molly's photo soaks. Yes. There's a metaphor here too. The L Word is deep and multilayered.
A panic-stricken Jenny has been stalking Shane on the streets of West Hollywood, hitting up Hit, Falcon and Truck Stop, she tells Shane in a frantic message. Shane manages --between hurls -- to dial up Jenny and let her know she's been throwing up incessantly. Say what you will about Jenny, but she knows how to take care of her property. She scoops of puke-face Shane, pets her head and puts her to bed. Shane, appearing more skinny and sallow than usual lifts her sickly head from the pillow to thank the girlfriend she cuckolded just a few hours before.
Speaking of cuckolding, Bette's the queen of making her partner one. And while she is of pure heart and mind under the guise of knowing Tina would have her for lunch if she ever pulled that prison-wall humping / banging the carpenter crap again, Bette is one hot bitch who is going to have to beat the girls off -- and not in a good way -- if she wants to keep her woman.
That said, Kelly turns up at the Porter manse, champagne in tow. She's already drunk and on a very college co-ed high from their homecoming dance -- I mean art opening. The two engage in some rather frightening behavior --coming from Bette -- that borders on drunk-ass cheerleading. It's all very non-lez sort of behavior and it's disturbing. That is until Kelly goes over the drunk line and gets a little frisky.
Kelly makes drunken half googley / half sexy eyes at Bette saying, "I'm cashing in on a little rain check." "That coupon expired 15 years ago," Bette says with her the Beals half/ laugh, half / you're a dumb ass sort of condescension.
Either failing to hear Bette or just not giving a damn -- and likely the latter, Kelly attempts to plant one on Bette's beautiful gob. Being the reformed cheater that she is, Bette recoils, knocking the booze bottle out of Kelly's hands and making a mess on the hard wood floors.
Here's where I'm expecting Bette to have a full-on control freak "no wire hangers," moment but she just cleans it up.
As Bette's on her hands and knees picking up Kelly's mess she says, "Nice one Wentworth. I'm calling your mother." And Bette, should know better than to speak to Kelly that way. Doesn't she realize her play scolding is a complete tease and a turn on? Where are the ice cubes for my pressure points? It's time to cool off.
Cue Jenny, Bette's built-in Peeping Tom, who espies the scene from a limited view, making it look as though Bette is going down on Kelly in the kitchen. "Oh, Bette," she says, whipping out her iPhone to snap a blackmail shot. And cut.
Something tells me next week will be Bette's second pass at the "You're dead fucking meat Jenny Schecter" line. Don't forget to tune in Sunday. Only two episodes left and then we're stuck with mostly asexual, fledgling first-time Lesbos on network television.
Missed the last L Word recaps? Read them here.
