I'm Running Away to Join the Derby!

Dear Mom and Dad,

I know that during my teenage years, you shelled out a few thousand dollars on braces, but hear me out: I want to join the roller derby.

And no, it’s not because I just saw a movie where there’s derby in it, thus inspiring to take up the sport (like those times I saw The Sandlot… or 3 Ninjas… The Mighty Ducks…or Ladybugs…or A League of Their Own…). Actually, the movie tied to the derby, Whip It, comes out this weekend, but that's beside the point.

This time, I want to join the derby because my pal and fellow Advocate cohort Meghan took me to an exhibition game on Monday. Afterward, there was a Q&A with the cast and crew of the movie. Meghan had been telling us for years how awesome the L.A. Derby Dolls are. She even shot a vivid spread on the Derby Dolls a while back in the magazine, just because they're so lesbionic.

So, naturally I went – it didn’t hurt that there was free wine promised in the invite (See? I am your kid!). When we showed up to the Doll Factory, the arena where the derby magic takes place, I was surrounded by a gaggle of wicked eye-catching female empowerment. There were confident women of all shapes and sizes in itty, bitty short-shorts, with funky hair, fishnets, and sleeves of picturesque tattoos, a refreshing sight in the sea of silicon, anorexia, and insecurity, also known as Los Angeles.

For Monday’s bout with the Varsity Brawlers versus the Tough Cookies, I decided not to pick sides.  I just tried to figure out how it all works. Since you probably watched the derby back in its 1970s heyday, I won’t bog you down with too many logistics, but basically a game consists of four quarters, full of “jams” or minute-long plays. Each team forms a pack, which an offensive player has to pass through. For each member on the opposing team that the offensive player passes, she earns a point. It’s like bowling, speed skating, and a burlesque version of the WWE all at the same time. I still didn’t pick a team, but by the end of the night, I was cheering and screaming as if I was Mom yelling for her J-E-T-S!

And with a Hot Dog on a Stick truck, and fabulous samples of cookies everywhere, not only will I be able to maintain a solid sustenance of carbohydrates complex enough to keep me fueled for weaving in and out of packs and throwing elbows when the referees aren’t looking, I’ll be supporting small businesses.

So, I’m going to ask you to be supportive of my newfound derby habit. I’ve already thought of a hilarious, ironic name so it’s basically essential that I pick up a cute $300 pair of skates and try out.

Hugs and kisses,

Michelle

a.k.a. Lucille Brawl.

PHOTO CREDIT: MEGHAN QUINN

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