When a fun-loving pair of gossipy homos gets together, nobody is safe. Sure, instant messaging is a wonderful tool for workplace communication and for late-night, ahem, romantic dalliances. But during those down times in the gay media business, what else is there to do but eviscerate the glitterati?
SheWired.com Senior Editor Tracy E. Gilchrist and Advocate.com Editor Ross von Metzke prove that lesbians and gay men do get along... especially when they're getting bitchy over the latest dirt in Hollywood.
Randomness is the common thread binding Ross and Tracy together but this week they take it to a new level. From mourning the loss of Marilyn Chambers, the porn star who fearlessly tackled lesbian and interracial sex scenes back in the early seventies, to Padma Lakshmi naked in Allure, newly single Lindsay Lohan on the prowl for a girl or a boy or a job and Brittany Murphy saving her career in a Lifetime flick.
RvM: Hey girl -- how's it going? Good seeing you at the abbey last night. I left at 7pm. what time did they throw you out on your ass?
TEG: Oh Lordy. Abbey with my ex and her fiancé and then off to Fiesta where two gay boys dry humped us all and told us we were beautiful and then off to Eleven where a gay boy tried to show me his goods. I asked but still...
RvM: Yeah, that’s a lot... When the hell did Sunday become your Friday? Long gone are the days when I texted you at 6pm and you were watching Heavenly Creatures with your cat.
TEG: I still try to fit in old dyke film school in between outings but what can you do when an ex calls with her new gf who's a doctor? You gotta pony up and show them you know how to live large in Weho. I only wish Jackie Warner had been there so I could have gotten trashed and tripped over her.
RvM: Girlfriend is a doc, huh? That sucks. How do you really compete with that other than to go out, get hammered and pay some 21-year-old frat boy to motorboat you? So, enough about your fucking life. How sad is that news about Marilyn Chambers? I wept a bit.
TEG: I know. That's sad stuff. She was an ambassador from the porn community to all peoples.
RvM: I know. I wanted to hack her Wikipedia and say that she's the one who taught Jennifer Connelly how to do double headed in Requiem for a Dream, but it just seemed like too much.
TEG: That scene was so disturbingly hot. I think she and the double-headed dildo deserved at least an Independent Spirit Award. Seriously though, the logistics of those things are just hard to work.... Or maybe I'm too fat.
RvM: Yeah, can’t believe she won for A Beautiful Mind. Hey, interesting fact about Marilyn: she was the only female porn star who could fully deep throat John Holmes!
TEG: Wow. I was not aware of that. I guess I don't know how to respond. That's more your thing than mine.
RvM: I hear ya. But she did enjoy some girl-on-girl and opened the doors to interracial sex.
TEG: I know, like I said, a real ambassador. I can't wait for the biopic. Starring Lindsay Lohan in her career comeback.
RvM: Oh god help us. That seems like a better vehicle for Dakota Fanning.
TEG: Don't fuck with Dakota. She's like the mob and Scientology. You see what happened to Kathy Griffin. Now we have Ryan Fuckcrest on the red carpet, and Guilana Panties.
RvM: I was being serious. In 5 years, Dakota would make a kick ass ivory snow girl. It’s not like I said she should play Annie Sprinkles.
TEG: Alright. Look. I just have your back.
RvM: Fair enough. So what else is up? Dare we talk about SamRo and Lindsay for the 2011th time?
TEG: We have to. Sam Ro got a Lindsay Doppelganger? That sucks to be replaced with yourself - a newer, spiffier version.
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RvM: Yeah, honestly, Lindsay should check out for six months, resurface in NYC in some off, off Broadway play, score rave reviews and then return to Hollywood as the star of her own filthy sitcom on HBO. We can call it "Grey Goose'll Make You Loose."
TEG: Lindsay Lohan stars on Broadway in the Lindsay Lohan story. I think it's brilliant. Even better if she plays herself nude.
RvM: With Lindsay's luck these days, they'll give the role to Ali. Actually, strike that Ali can play Dina.
TEG: Absolutely! Natalie Portman wins a Tony playing Lindsay Lohan.
RvM: And Chace Crawford can play SamRo.
TEG: Or maybe Anne Hathaway since she busted her drug cherry with Rachel Getting Married.
RvM: Do you think either of them would stoop so low?
TEG: Chace, Efron or Daniela SEA.
RvM: Yeah, one of the three.
TEG: Yeah no. I think they'd dust off Tara Reid to play Lindsay. Or Mischa.
RvM: That’s if they make it for Oxygen.
TEG: Too true...Oh I don't know. I feel kinda bad for Lindsay though.
RvM: I do, too. I mean, she’s a hot mess.
TEG: She thinks she's on a break.
RvM: But I blame her parents. Oh, and Paris Hilton.
TEG: What'd Paris do?
RvM: When in doubt, blame her. She's a disease.
TEG: Can we blame her for the economy and for Avian bird flu too?
RvM: Bird flu, for certain. Save the economy for Miley Cyrus, ‘cuz that bitch needs some blame too.
TEG: That bitch is hot box office!
RvM: Hey, what’s with you getting all these titty pics emailed to you?
TEG: Huh?
RvM: Padma, Chelsea Handler, Charlize
TEG: Padma in Allure? And the titty pics of Charlize that you sent me cuz you have gay boy crush on her?
RvM: Gay nothing – I’d do her!
TEG: Damn. I love a homo who can get it up for a girl.
RvM: Or at least with the help of a shin guard.
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TEG: I'd do Antonio Banderas, Only I'd have to Purel soak him after Melanie G.
RvM: Melanie "senorita botox" Griffith. That DListed. He’s wise. I have a soft spot in my heart for Melanie. Her razzie winning performance in A Stranger Among Us warms my little gay heart.
TEG: I think I told you I nearly broke up with someone who picked that movie over Night on Earth. She identified with the devotion of the Hasidic Jews and then called me a heathen . I was like really? You were calling me ‘oh God’ six hours ago.
RvM: Was that supposed to be an indication that prior to watching Melanie infiltrate the world of Hasidic Jews (with the help of Tracy Pollan, I might add), you and said girlfriend were getting it on?
TEG: All the time. She wore me out. Now she's married to a man and with child. OH well. One of many.
RvM: Gross... I’d rather talk about Marilyn Chambers and DP again.
TEG: Me too. That girl was ambitious. A true feminist paving the way for the rest of us to be sluts and look less slutty doing it.
RvM: Amen. And she oddly has a bit of Kate Jackson in her, don’t you think?
TEG: Honey, if Kate Jackson were in her, lesbians worldwide would be praying to the altar of their Charlie's Angels posable bendable figures. And by bendable I mean....
RvM: I get it. Back to something a bit more cleanly. What’s this shit with Queen Lala's former makeup artist and hairstylist threatening to out her if she doesn’t pay ‘em a million bucks each? Taxi 2, anyone?
TEG: Damn, Mama Morton had better pay up… Wait? Queen Latifah's a lez? Stop the presses.
RvM: I know. And another news flash for you: Barry Manilow's gay!
TEG: Oh. I thought he just perennially looked like an old, sexless lady. What else you got for me lady?
RvM: Barry Manilow does look a tad like Shirley McClaine.
TEG: And Clay Aiken. What's with that gene pool?
RvM: Hmmm. I just got an idea for a great movie of the week on WEtv starring Clay, Shirley and Victoria principal... About a sperm bank, a mix-up and a Botoxed bitch with secrets.
TEG: I'm guessing Principal is the sperm donor, Aiken is the Botoxed bitch with secrets and McClaine is trying to become the oldest knocked up bitch alive.
RvM: Eh, on second thought, lets pitch it to the Sci-Fi Network.
TEG: Speaking of great art on cable. I'm hung over and I could really use a boxed wine pick me up, and an afternoon with Brittany Murphy and Jason Lewis in the Nora Roberts collection on Lifetime.
RvM: I can’t believe its come to this for Brittany Murphy. That is sad. Next thing you know, she'll be living out her days in a trailer in Santa Clarita.
TEG: I love her! Great rack. She'll be able to make it as a stripper in Santa Clarita before she can't afford to pay for dental work and then becomes the towel girl.
RvM: Ooof, that’s rough. What is her movie called, btw?
TEG: It's called Tribute. Tribute. As in a Tribute to her former skyrocketing but now fledgling career.
RvM: What happened? I mean, Little Black Book wasn’t that bad, was it?
TEG: What?
RvM: That’s the last movie she starred in - with Holly Hunter and Kathy Bates.
TEG: I think I was in detox the day that was out in theaters. Poor Brittany.
RvM: Poor nothing. She had Kutcher's cock for about a year. That’s more than most.
TEG: And then Demi put a hex on her career! Demi's not doing Nora Roberts on Lifetime. Hell, she's not doing a blessed thing but Kutcher.
RvM: That’s a lie. She's saving lives on Twitter.
TEG: She should save Lindsay's life on Twitter.
RvM: Awwww. We should wrap. I can hear your tummy growling from over here. It sounds suspiciously like Charlotte York in Mexico in that Sex in the City movie. You should do lunch alone.
TEG: Bitch. Don't be talking about my IBS in public. Anyhooo, I really do have to soak up the nacho and vodka breakfast I had.
RvM: Breakfast? Is that what you call carry out from the Abbey at 2:15am?
TEG: Pretty much! Ooof. Remind me to do cheese and crackers at home the next time one of my exes wants a night on the town.
RvM: How bout I just remind you to turn off your phone
TEG: Sounds good. Kay Lady, I gotta get the hell out of here!
RvM: BTW, Claire, if you're reading this... YOUR HOT. Why on earth would you waste a night in LaLa land with no fun bags over here?
TEG: Hahaha. She is hot. She reads, so I'm sure she'll hit you back once she recovers...
RvM: From the gin? Or you?
TEG: It was top shelf whiskey and yes, both!
RvM: Whatever. Blech -- I smell gas. Skip lunch. I’m outta here.
TEG: I hate you. Now I'm leaving.
RvM: Oh, nevermind. It was just Marilyn.
