When a fun-loving pair of gossipy homos gets together, nobody is safe. Sure, instant messaging is a wonderful tool for workplace communication and for late-night, ahem, romantic dalliances. But during those down times in the gay media business, what else is there to do but eviscerate the glitterati?
SheWired.com Senior Editor Tracy E. Gilchrist and Advocate.com Editor Ross von Metzke prove that lesbians and gay men do get along... especially when they're getting bitchy over the latest dirt in Hollywood.
This week Tracy's back from communing with 10,000 dykes in the desert and only recently gotten all the lube out of her hair, so we can't promise anything lucid at this point. Still, these crazy bitches touch on Celesbians at the Dinah, Lindsay Lohan's Twitter Break from Sam Ronson, Madonna's African baby-napping adventures, Charlize Theron's next nude scene, and Catherine Zeta Jones nestled in Queen Latifah's bosom...Don't ask.
RvM: Type me when you’re back from the can. I’m sick of waiting for you to pee, bitch.
TEG: Listen Lady...I'm still dehydrated from my steady flow of vodka and soda at the Dinah. Plus, I'm cranky from all the lube in my hair.
RvM: Honey, get it together. For a gay man, that's called Thursday at The Abbey.
TEG: Haha. Well, you try communing with 10,000 lezzies in the desert. It wears a girl out.
RvM: Call me lady when you wake up to empty lube bottles on your lanai and a half naked man named Fred in your bushes who wants one more tab of e and a ride home. Thats called Tuesday, BTW.
TEG: Ummm. That was me. I thumbed a ride from a guy named Fred and it was a rufi.... Not e.
RvM: It doesn’t count when you stick it in your drink yourself, Tracy.
TEG: Yeah... I don't even know if I got any action. Anyway, it was 'Celesbians' abounding. BTW... What's the criteria? When do I get to become a Celesbian?
RvM: Um – I’m not sure? For gay men, you become a Gayceleb when you're filmed getting it up the butt on camera -- not sure you wanna go that route...
TEG: Hmmm. I think I'm on XTube courtesy of an ex with a penchant for Scorcese circa Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore. Anyhoooo. Since I've been on a steady diet of Grey Goose, late night spinach and artichoke dip, Advil and Band-aids. What the hell's going on this week?
RvM: Well, Lindsay is the new Britney... No shaved head yet, but I think we're about a minute and a half away from seeing her rip the Beverly Center a new one with an umbrella in one hand and box of NoDoz in the other.
TEG: Ooof. Lindsay with a shaved head. With all of that premature aging from tanning I'm pretty sure she'd look like one of those hairless cats.
RvM: She already does... From the waist down (cue those queeny old muppets) Ooooooh hahahaha!
TEG: I know! I've seen it all over the Web. Poor Linds, though. A break up is never easy.
RvM: Especially on Twitter.
TEG: Especially when your gf is also your connection. And don't you mean Twatter?
RvM: SLUT. I got dumped once by poem:
“Roses are red
Violets are blue
You can’t suck dick
So I’m done with you”
I was livid. I’m great... So I went and sucked off every man under 25 in a 3 block radius. Then I realized the post it was for my roomie. My bf dumped me for cheating.
TEG: Awww. Poor thing. At least you didnt' get herp.
RvM: Anything like that ever happen in Hartford?
TEG: I got dumped Rosie O'Donnell Haiku like once.
RvM: Some 5-7-5 action?
TEG: I am over you.
RvM: You look like some bullshit too? Now gimme a drink. Sounds like you’re kinda girl, or am I projecting?
TEG: That sounds about right!Do you think Linds will renounce her Lesbo ways, grow her hair, don a prairie skirt and become a sister wife?
RvM: I think Lindsay will renounce her Lesbo ways, become a hip hop ho and wake up in bed with Mariah Carey. Oh, wait. Shit, sorry.
TEG: Is Mariah a tranny?
RvM: Confused. Yeah, that’s where I was going.
TEG: Maybe Linds needs a little Latifah to set her not so straight.
RvM: Latifah would eat her in a bun for lunch!
TEG: What's up with Madonna snatching babies in the Congo? Doesn't she have a box office bomb to promote or something?
RvM: Yeah -- I mean, she’s gotta be better than Malawi, but can you imagine being Madge's kid "No TV ever." She just doesn’t want them running across her snatch on Skinemax.
TEG: Ew. Lordy. She's like Sybil's mother on ‘roids. We should send Sally Field to Madge's manse to go all 17 personalities on her.
RvM: Lol. Sally and Vicki Lord from One Life to Live. Patty Duke can chaperone.
TEG: Oooh. You just really fagged out on me.
RvM: Um, didn’t you tell me Suzanne Westenhoefer and the Indigo Girls played the ukelele and sang in tongues on "Get out the Map" or some shit?
TEG: It was "Closer to Fine" you cretin and that's an anthem for all peoples--not just the kind that lick pussy.
RvM: All people who drive a Subaru Baja and sip boxed wine out of a Dixie cup.
more on next page...
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(continued)
TEG: Yum...boxed wine. Is it noon yet? Hey, thanks for sending me the link to a shot of Charlize Theron's rack. I had to close my shades.
RvM: Because you didn’t want the neighbors to see? Or because you needed some adult time?
TEG: Becasue I didn't want my neighbors to see my adult time. They are over it.
RvM: What about the cat? He sick of having lube in his hair?
TEG: Is that why he's coughing up greasy hairballs?
RvM: Ooof – I’m just saying, Charlize is hot, but I don’t think its gonna be a sexy scene. I think it’s another of those abuse, drama, gimme a fucking Indie Spirit Award dramas.
TEG: Seriously, I can only watch her roller dance to "Don't Stop Believing" with Christina Ricci only so many times before it becomes disturbing.
RvM: You told me you found her hot in thaat. Something about it reminding you of home.
TEG: You bitch. How many times do I have to tell you we are upscale hookers in Connecticut. No truckers' hats for us.
RvM: LIES – you’re trash.
TEG: You’re trash...San Diego conservative. I'm surprised you haven't tried to haul me to an ex-gay meeting and then date me.
RvM: Oh please. My dad's from the Castro. I said I’m gay, he said “great, lets celebrate,” and then took me to Olive Garden. I was like, I said I’m gay, not a lesbo.
TEG: Awww, is that when he found a silk-lined picnic basket, filled it with Manchengo Cheese, Veuve Cliquot and a copy of Walt Whitman's Leaves of Grass so you could commune with nature?
RvM: No, that’s when he found the copy of "Hung Jury" under my passenger seat, decided I was a lost cause and lost me to rave culture for a year and a half.
TEG: Oh. When I came out, my mom gave me a pair of Birkenstocks, a Swiss Army Knife and a copy of Joni Mitchell's Ladies of the Canyon on vinyl.... Anyway...have you seen Kathy Griffin in a bikini? I'm not saying I'd hit it but I'd think about it.
RvM: Oh you’d hit it. Hell, I’d hit it. It's been a long winter. God-lover her though, I wonder if she saw Valerie's pictures and tried to one up her?
TEG: I think Ms. Bertinelli has started a bikini revolution! I'm finally going to try for an interview with her, BTW. You might need to bring the crash cart to work that day!
RvM: So, on the subject of bikinis, when is Shawnee going to get you in one?
TEG: Well, I wore one at the Dinah but had it covered the entire time. Only you can see my orange bikini top failing to hold up the girls in all the Dinah Shots. The girls became Celesbians in their own right this weekend.
RvM: Yes, I heard Jill Bennett had some serious competition this weekend. Of course, she failed to get lube-stained, tossed down in the grass by a 22 year-old and forced to stay an extra night at the hotel in order to recover.
TEG: Well, who knows how Ms. Bennett's weekend ended up... But lay off the lube and the grass stains scenario.... As if it doesn't happen to you once a gay pride weekend. And I was caked in fake tan.
RvM: I have never wound up in the grass during pride. Though one year, Debbie Harry of Blondie Fame was the headliner and I wound up posing for a picture with her with my head nestled comfortably in her ample rack.
TEG: Awww. Like the love of your life Catherine Zeta nestled in Latifah's ample bosoms.
RvM: Or was that Terri Nunn of Berlin? Fuck, I can never get my pride circuit queens straight. Honey, if my head were in Zeta’s boobs, I’d stay all winter.
TEG: I think Michael Douglas and the kids were wondering where mommy was that winter. In mid-March Latifah rode up on her hog. Slapped Zeta on the ass and kicked her to he curb.
RvM: Um, something tells me it was more like Latifah rode up on her hog, Zeta gave her a motorboat sendoff and told her not to call until that personal trainer kicked it.
TEG: Hmmm. Maybe Latifah passed along Valerie B.'s number to Zeta. Soon Valerie B and Zeta will star in the sequel to Sense and Sensiblility: Sappho and the Corset.
RvM: Ok, horny -- go get yourself a wine spritzer and calm the fuck down. I gotta go wizz.
TEG: Zippers in the other hand hmmm? Kay. I was ready for a drink anyway. Cheers!
RvM: Hasta la pasta!
Miss the last Gossip Girl and Her Gay? Read it here!
