When a fun-loving pair of gossipy homos gets together, nobody is safe. Sure, instant messaging is a wonderful tool for workplace communication and for late-night, ahem, romantic dalliances. But during those down times in the gay media business, what else is there to do but eviscerate the glitterati?
SheWired.com Editor Tracy E. Gilchrist and Advocate.com Editor Ross von Metzke prove that lesbians and gay men do get along... especially when they're getting bitchy over the latest dirt in Hollywood.
Over the past couple of months Ross thought himself too special to talk shit with Tracy but since it's his birthday, he was feeling generous and gave up some of his precious time. The pair waxes on about Tracy's snubbing Charlize Theron at meet in the Middle, Kirstie Alley's weightgain --what else is new?-- and Kathy Griffin in bed with avowed lesbian Lily Tomlin. Plus, they touch on Kate Winslet's waxed lady parts, Lindsay Lohan's umpteenth breakup with Samantha Ronson, cougars, Harry Potter's Hermione and a whole lot of nonsense.
RvM: Here ya go! Guess who's back in the mutha fuckin house? And not Queen LaLa... she's still down at the bike shop tryin' to figure out why Jada stopped returning her calls.
TEG: Oh please, don't put this off on Latifah and Jada. And I'll tell you, Jada's been busy getting busy with Will Smith on Vivica Fox's 3,000 thread count sheets. I'm just glad to see you climbed off your high -- I'm too good for you, I work for the Advocate -- horse to get in the muck with me.
RvM: Oh please. I love the muck. And Jada and will might as well be fucking up Vivica's sheets. After that face-lift, no one else is.
TEG: After the face-lift and Uma Thurman fucking it up.
RvM: Touche. So whatcha got for me? Are you still hung up on LiLo?
TEG: Well, we can talk, Lilo, Winslet's snatch, my snubbing Charlize at Meet in the Middle, Lily Tomlin in bed with Kathy Griffin? What first?
RvM: Oh, you don’t wanna go back to Charlize. I’m still not over that.
TEG: I know. But have you seen the pics of me bloated and wearing cargo shorts? If I hadn't ignored her she would have asked me how long I'd been a UPS driver.
RvM: Grabbed her roller skates and asked, "once around at the Fresno Roller Derby tonight?”
TEG: Awww. It always comes back to "Don't Stop Believin’." She is flawless though. Makes a girl feel like a troll. I haven't felt that troll-y since I stood nest to Brooke Shields at GLAAD in 2000.
RvM: What about the time Kim Catrall tried to give you a golden shower in ‘08?
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TEG: That was ‘01 and really, I just heard her moaning in the stall while she peed. Better than an orgasm she said. Samantha lives!
RvM: Well, and better than it being Rojo Caliente. Or Cris Williamson.
TEG: I agree, although I think that Quween of the Scene might replace Rojo on DListed. Rather a sad day. She and Cynthia Nixon might have to pull a Cat Cora and scramble each others’ eggs and pump out a set of kittens soon.
RvM: Ooof. I’m sorry. I just switched to egg beaters on account of that image. Ok, moving on to someone I give a flying fuck about. Kirstie Alley, 250 lbs, at deaths door and giving up for good. True, or lie?
TEG: Kirstie is not giving up. Not while there is Mu Shoo Pork in the world and her Val Bertinelli voodoo doll. Where the hell are you Virginia Woolf? Writing a modernist novel?
RvM: Oh fuck off, you old whore. What about Val's promise to whip her ass back into shape. Something tells me she'd need a remote island, those people who trained Hugh Jackman for Wolverine, a bottle of quaaludes and a musket.
TEG: Val is not allowing anyone to steal her thunder. Between her and Kathy Griffin -- it's battle of the bordering-on-Memaw bikini bods.
RvM: Well, in Val's case, she's looked banging for over 30 years. Kathy just found her inner MILF during pilot season.
TEG: Yeah, what the hell happened? She's so hot she's got Lily Tomlin tossing in her 40-year relationship with ole Jane -- and I don't mean Fonda, or maybe I do -- to talk smack in bed with Kathy
RvM: Yeah, but it wasn’t enough to make Bette human Now you know why I’ve never liked that pig.
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TEG: I know you hate Bette and after her episode with Kathy I'm a little on the fence. While we're on the subject of Old Queen faves like Bette and Lily, how long did you last watching the Tony's before you had to squeeze your ass cheeks to ensure you were still a man?
RvM: Somewhere between Bret Michaels doing a face plant into the wall and Liza Minnelli popping her fifth gin ricky and doing a face plant into a mound of coke, I downed some Nyquil and called it a night.
TEG: I love when rockers and pop stars get faced at the Tony's. Madonna who flubbed her speech in 1989 for Speed the Plow-- yes, I am that old and that much of a show queen -- and Bret for running face-first into a set piece. I stuck it out though. It was a race for hot old lady between Susan Sarandon and Jane Fonda. And what the hell is with Jessica Lange's face. I think they made a horror flick about it in the 40's, which was later a remake with Nastassia Kinski in the 80's.
RvM: Cat eyes? Or the Eyes of Laura Mars? I always get confused. Though Laura Mars starred Faye Dunaway, who is running neck in neck with Lange for most fucked-up face overhaul in history. Too bad Helen Mirren wasn’t in attendance. You could have shoved your face between her knockers and let Jane and Susan take turns paddling your rump.
TEG: Cat People! That is a total old broad fantasy. That Helen Mirren is the ultimate cougar. I'm sure Ewan Macgregor, Daniel Day Louis, Jude Law and Catherine Zeta have all wept at her feet.
RvM: How'd CZJ get in there? Well, since Michael K. thinks she's the ultimate trophy wife, she might as well give Douglas a night off and go over and worship at Mirren's throne. They can take turns uploading nude T-mobile home videos to you tube and playing stick your face in the watermelon.
TEG: Just for kicks they can invite Lindsay, who knows the lay of the land in London from stalking Samantha, and Linds can do Lezzie Twitter Porn. How to get off in 140 characters or less.
RvM: Oh please. That makes CZJ a cougar. What the fuck does that make Mirren? A GILF? She'd tan your hide for that.
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TEG: Yes please. Moving along but sticking with the Brits. Thanks for sending me Winslet's blurb about landing strips, vagina wigs and up-close and personal snatch shots at 7 in the morning. I nearly had to go back to bed and whip out the Braun -- and I don't mean Tamara. Or maybe I do.
RvM: I don’t think Tamara's publicist would appreciate you referring to his client with the words, ‘whip it out.’ That said, you're welcome. Nothing like a good pusstache reference to get the creative juices flowing. And you're similarly welcome for today's video clip -- Michelle Williams whipping off her blouse, shoving her bare titties in Ewan McGregor's face and riding him.
TEG: Damn it. I hate our fucking internet. I got to the bra, had to wait for it to load, then forgot about it and went for a slash -- as Patsy might say. Anyway, I have that to look forward to.
RvM: Its just hot cuz she's also sporting the cockney accent, so instead of saying things like tits and fuck, she says knockers and have it off. If the movie weren't about an explosion that takes the life of her husband, I'd say "let's roll a spliff, grab a couple of poofs and have it off" while watching the flick. I suddenly feel like Nancy in Oliver.
TEG: Oh you big girl's blouse you.
RvM: Who you calling a big girl's blouse? I’ll have you know I reached my goal weight two days before my 30th bday. Tonight, I’m going home to eat a pork loin, down a six-pack and watch reruns of Roseanne.
TEG: That's a big man. Although, I did see you in you bathing trunks, with your manscaped chest pointing your finger wildly and rotating your hips to ‘Poker Face’ at your birthday party. Oh! Happy Birthday, by the way, you old man. May you look half as good as me by the time you reach your Jesus year.
Ross von Metzke and SheWired's Boo Jarchow at Ross's Birthday Bash
RvM: And may I never again see you on your back doing shots of Cuervo while two butch lesbians try and scrib the SheWired tats off your DD's.
Tracy E. Gilchrist applying SheWired tats at LA Pride!
TEG: That makes me think of Spring Breakdown, which I know you saw. Love that Rachel Dratch and Amy Poehler.
RvM: When Rachel Dratch says, "who wants to do me," I thought of you.
TEG: That was me at the Dinah after upside down Margaritas and a good cry. Anyhoo. Speaking of desperate, horny and a boozer. What about Lindsay?
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RvM: The iPhone shot, twittering that Justin Timberlake is stepping out on Jessica Biel or the rumors that she and SamRo are through for the 9,135th time?
TEG: Oh, all of it. I still think she's the gift that keeps on giving. But I love how she hopped a train old-timey style to find SamRo in London and win her back with stringy hair and bloodshot eyes.
RvM: Oh, I must have missed that one. What'd she catch a broom and take the Hogwarts Express?
TEG: I think she jumped through the wall at the train station but she was so hopped up on Oxy she didn't feel the impact. Do you think that's how it was for Harry and Hermione?
RvM: Sort of... Except I think Hermione was on the rag and that's why Harry had to take up playing Quidditch.
TEG: Do you think in the upcoming film Hermione makes it with her professor played by Helena Bonham Carter? A little Loving Annabelle for the witchy set?
RvM: If you’d put that out there 10 years ago, I’d have been all for it, but the post Burton Bonham that makes her look a little mad madam mim-ish makes me not like that image much. However, should Hermione wanna pull an L Word and go all Beals-Matlin with Emma Thompson as the blind black magic professor, I’d be all for it.
TEG: Too true… Good May / December pairing. Speaking of Bonham Carter -- I saw a porn DVD for sale entitled A Rim with a View. Clever indeed.
RvM: Isn’t that the one where she calls Dame Judi bad girl and they have it off in the parlor?
TEG: Hmmmm. I think that's every Merchant Ivory film ever made. Or it is if you learned to reconstruct movies in your head like I do.
RvM: Yeah, sort of like my version of the Unbearable Lightness of Being, where Lena Olin sits on Juliette Binoche's face and says, "to hell with Daniel Day always trying to go down on me, have at it."
TEG: I saw that version too! Was that the director's cut?
RvM: Yeah... Somehow, I think Jenna Jameson was involved.
TEG: She doesn't do it for me. I'd rather watch Salma and Penny hog tie each other and mud wrestle in Bandidas.
RvM: That would have been ten times hotter for me had CZJ played the sheriff.
TEG: Agreed! Anyhoo birthday bitch...don't you have a birthday present to collect from your bf or something?
RvM: Nah. He gave me one on Saturday, Sunday, Monday and Tuesday. I’m chafed.
TEG: NASTY! We just lost the last reader who stuck around for this nonsense.
RvM: Like four months of hearing about you motor-boating Winslet didn’t scare off the bulk of our fan-base first you filthy bitch.
TEG: I cannot lie. I had a fetish...compulsion...perversion. Whatever you want to call it. Alright, well I have to go then. All this talk about Winslet and Emma Thompson has me hankering for some alone time with my VHS copy of Sense and Sensibility.
RvM: The one you taped on beta in your mom's basement one X-mas eve and hauled cross country with you, your Dolly Parton 8 tracks and your 19 year old kitty?
TEG: Go ahead. Make old jokes. Your time is coming. Happy Birthday Fucker!
RvM: Die you geriatric trollop.
TEG: Done. Fuck you very much and thanks for playing. I missed your tight ass.
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