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When a fun-loving pair of gossipy homos gets together, nobody is safe. Sure, instant messaging is a wonderful tool for workplace communication and for late-night, ahem, romantic dalliances. But during those down times in the gay media business, what else is there to do but eviscerate the glitterati?
SheWired.com Senior Editor Tracy E. Gilchrist and Advocate.comEditor-in-Chief Ross von Metzke prove that lesbians and gay men do get along… especially when they’re getting bitchy over the latest dirt in Hollywood.
This week this terrible twosome rips on Marie Osmond and ponders Kate Winslet's oft naked breasts in The Reader. Meanwhile Tracy waxes teary-eyed over Mandy Musgrave, Gaby Christian and the end of South of Nowhere. Plus The Golden Globes honors Kate, Cate Blanchett and Penelope Cruz while Milk gets the shaft.
RvM: Hey girl.
TEG: Hey you. I was enrapt in Marie Osmond's NutriSystem commercial.
RvM: Oh God no. I wonder how long before she makes a Botox commercial.
TEG: She looks pretty good. Not quite as botoxy as a few others.
RvM: Yeah, she's aight. Big ole drunk though.
TEG: Hey... don't hate on the drunks. I'm a big fan of a good ole fashioned drunk. And I thought she couldn't drink or drink coffee being a big ole MO. Mormon that is.
RvM: Oh, who knows? They find a way. She probably has OJ and Xanax cocktails.
TEG: My favorite kind. So, I'm sorry I had to drag you out of bed with your hotass bf to chat with me. But not really. I've spent my weekend virtually alone with wine and a 22 year old girl's computer loaded with South of Nowhere episodes. Have I officially become that sad girl?
RvM: You borrowed the whole computer?
TEG: It was the only way to get all the episodes without downloading them myself.
RvM: Food Lord girl. Well, not sad. Just crafty. It's too bad you don’t have like a five-year-old kid. You’re in MILF territory now, girl.
TEG: Hahahaha. I know. I guess my cat doesn't count. I'm too selfish for children.
RvM: No, sorry... it doesn’t and me too on the having kids thing.
TEG: Maybe in a year or two I'll adopt. You know, pull a full-on Angelina.
RvM: I’d be that girl who went shopping for a tennis bracelet at Tiffany's and left my baby with the guard.
TEG: Okay Karen Walker.
RvM: Hahaha. So what shall we talk about? I’m so lame when it comes to gossip these days.
TEG: Well...there is that little matter of Kate Winslet's hoots in The Reader.
RvM: Good Lord! Those things… I gotta say. I'm an open minded gay man. But between her sandbags and her pressing her naked arse against that pre-pubescent twink's crotch, it was almost too much.
TEG: Haha... Well, it is a pretty nice naked arse. And he was 18.
RvM: Not in the movie he wasn't. What did you look it up when you got home?
TEG: Of course I did, and the actor was of age when they shot Kate climbing all over his business. But I must admit I preferred her girls pre childbirth and when she had a little more meat on her.
RvM: Well, you know... she wasn’t even supposed to make that movie... she was still in kick ass shape from smacking around Leo in Revolutionary Road. She looks like the kind of girl who could throw back a pint.
TEG: Hang on....Sorry, the lovely and wild Patricia Rae just stopped by my apt. to say hello. It's like Tales of the City here.
RvM: Hahaha.. Awwww. Does she live there too?
TEG: Oh no. This is too low rent. She and Mona were on a dog / coffee / girl talk outing.
RvM: So breakfast and lunch?
TEG: But I got a kiss on the cheek from a Latina with big boobs first thing in the morning. Could be worse.
RvM: I did too... that bitch at the donut place is fresh.
TEG: Lucky you. Anyway...back to Kate... If that hot bitch doesn't land an Oscar this year I'm going to boycott forever!
RvM: I think she’s gonna be the Susan Lucci of the Academy. It'll just make her more famous.
TEG: I think it's she’s my one unreasonable crush on a celeb, other than Valerie B. that is.
RvM: She'll win an Oscar at 50 for doing something lame like a romantic comedy starring her and a then 52 year old James Franco who suddenly came into his own.
TEG: Speaking of romantic comedies and pets. I might actually see Marley and Me. Owen Wilson's schnoz is endlessly fascinating to me.
RvM: Oh no... I know what happens when you get near Aniston.
TEG: What happens with me and Aniston?
RvM: It just gets ugly... between her and the Cox, you’re uncontrollable.
TEG: Oh. I'm all about the Cox. Courteney that is… But I love Jen. I'm not jumping on the I hate Rachel Green bandwagon just cuz she makes poor career choices and she was cuckolded by the hottest piece of man ass on the planet.
RvM: Yeah, maybe that’s why the gays hate her so much. But my love. This is a lesbian column. And we've spent an awful lot of time on man ass. Wha are the ladies up to? Other than you, selfish.
TEG: Lesbians like Brad Pitt. He looks like a girl sometimes.
RvM: I can see that.
TEG: Ah well... South of Nowhere series finale. I cried a little. It might have been the wine but with that and the L Word almost over I'm dangerously close to actually having a life.
RvM: I thought that shit went off the air in 05 and you were just trying to catch up.
TEG: Well, Mandy Musgrave and Gaby Christian are in their mid-thirties and married with children now since the show has taken so long to air but no, this was the big end. Why do you think I couldn't wait to bolt on Friday?
RvM: Oh no... You're like the gays and Queer as Folk. Never got into that. Sorry, but I don’t relate to 35-year-old men who need cock rings, Viagra and a mirror to stay hard. That’s just not how I roll.
TEG: That's cuz you're not 35 yet. And you forgot about poppers.
RvM: Eh, ill never roll like that. I'm so not that PTown kind of gay.
TEG: Back to my teen angst fixation. I already have Degrassi, My So Called Life and the OC lined up for retro-viewing.
RvM: Oh sweet Jesus. You’re probably gonna go on a Dawson’s Creek tangent and escape into Paula Cole “I Don’t Want to Wait” hell.
TEG: I looove Paula Cole. She called me intelligent in a phoner. Said it was refreshing... I nearly popped a vein.
RvM: Awww. The only person who ever called me intelligent in a phoner was Jessica Simpson and that’s because compared to her I'm fucking Plato…the philosopher not Dana.
TEG: Poor Dana. Yeah well, then I asked Paula to meet me at my place with a bottle of Veuve Cliquot and season two of the L Word and she hung up on me.
RvM: She probably got nervous because she knew the follow up question was, do you mind shaving your pits before you come over? Speaking of hairy pits.
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(continued)
TEG: Oh Lord.
RvM: I see Kate went au natural for The Reader. Nice to see Meryl isn’t the only method actress left out there.
TEG: Oooh Yeah. I think that shit was taped on though. Those pits looked suspicious.
RvM: Kate probably found her character's center of gravity in her pit fuzz.
TEG: Is it bad that I find Kate in The Reader and Meryl in a habit kind of hot? I feel so guilty. I might need to hold my palms out for the ruler. Mmmmm.
RvM: Well, let’s see. Gay men the world over flocked to Broadway to watch Harry Potter fuck a horse. So I’d say you’re safe.
TEG: Oh good. Safe by gay male standards. So....Globe noms. What'd ya think?
RvM: Hmmm. You know I love Penelope Cruz and Kate and Cate and Kate (Beckinsale that is -- bitch finally got some love)... but what’s up with the Milk shaft. And I'm not talking about Franco or Brolin, though I'd gladly take either.
TEG: I know. That's such bullshit. I thought the old, straight, white fuckers who run the awards shit would throw the gays a proverbial bone and by bone I don't mean Franco or Brolin.
RvM: Aww. You get a girl all riled up.
TEG: Beckinsale got a nom? I missed that.
RvM: I maybe misspoke.
TEG: Her best work was topless in a pool with Frances McDormand and some British dude.
RvM: Sorry, she got Critics Choice and Broadcast Critics.
TEG: So. I'm happy for Brit Brit.
RvM: Because she had a hit album. Or because she’s not dead?
TEG: Oh both for sure.
RvM: She's doing better than Tara Reid at least.
TEG: Oh that mess.
RvM: Awww. Remember when I partied with her at Sundance and you waited out in the lobby to find out if she was in a coma. Funny thing is, its probably not booze or meds. She probably od's on Dexatrim and Emergen-C or some shit. That’s a ghetto girl.
TEG: For sure. Yeah, The Enquirer had me staked out to find out what was up with Tara and all I wanted to do was go home and bang my then new gf. Who knew Tara would prove to be more a better bet?
RvM: Yeah. Rumpled tummy and all. Well love... I hope you don’t hate me for this too much... but I'm supposed to meet the bf for Frost/Nixon in 35 mins, and if I’m late, he spanks.
TEG: I'd be late but that's just me.
RvM: Well, if I’m a little late, he spanks in public.
TEG: One mo thing... Amy Poehler said goodbye to SNL.
RvM: if I’m a lot late, well…Awww. I said goodbye to SNL in 1999. LOL.
TEG: Now there’s absolutely no reason to tune in. They devolved back into the frat boy humor of the early nineties. If I want that I'll just undo my top and head over to UCLA with a beer bong.
RvM: I did appreciate Tina Fey. But I’m more the girl who watches skits on YouTube. I’m either drunk or unconscious Saturdays at 11:30.
TEG: Anyway...have fun at Frost / Nixon.
RvM: I will. And you have fun with Mischa Barton, that nasty white haired girl and your bottle of Ernest Gallo.
TEG: Haha. Fuck you. I was going to see Doubt but I might actually interact with human beings for a bit today at Andrea Meyerson's annual Women On A RollXmas party.
RvM: Tell Andrea I said HEY
TEG: I will.
RvM: Then cop a feel on whomever she has working the door.
TEG: Definitely. Ciao bella.
