When a fun-loving pair of gossipy homos gets together, nobody is safe. Sure, instant messaging is a wonderful tool for workplace communication and for late-night, ahem, romantic dalliances. But during those down times in the gay media business, what else is there to do but eviscerate the glitterati?
SheWired.com Editor Tracy E. Gilchrist and Advocate.com Editor Ross von Metzke prove that lesbians and gay men do get along... especially when they're getting bitchy over the latest dirt in Hollywood.
This week the pair discusses Hollywoods latest pairs of lesbians in upcoming productions. They play 'Who Is The Top?' Annette Bening or Julianne Moore? Swoosie Kurtz or Blythe Danner? Its been a while since we've seen some believable on-camera chemistry, but can Jodie Foster and Mel Gibson fix that in The Beaver?
RvM: Hey, sorry for that early week scare. I thought Valerie Bertinelli had gotten plump again, but that was a beach shot from 2007.
TEG: I know. I had to take a Xanax as I was having heart palpitations. Then I fell asleep with my head on my keyboard...It was the best sleep I've had all week. But you know. I'd love Val even if she were a lil chunky again.
RvM: Well, you do have a thing for thick women. Valerie through it all, Kelly C., Judi Dench, Ann Wilson.
TEG: Judi Dench is thick?
RvM: She's a healthy lady.
TEG: Oh yeah...she was thick and nude in Iris right?
RvM: So was Winslet cuz that was at the tail end of her "I don’t give a rats arse what you think" phase. It was very lez.
TEG: I'm gonna miss the Kate "Lob em out" Winslet of yore, who told some mag... Can't remember which... That she's getting too old to be nude all the time. This from a girl who peed down her leg for Harvey Keitel in Holy Smoke.
RvM: Well, you’ve always got memories of that and Chris Meloni peeing into a bucket on Oz.
TEG: I'm a bad lez. I love that Meloni. What is it about him that turns me on? Do you think it's cuz he reminds me of Jennifer Garner?
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RvM: Jennifer Garner? I mean, she was rough in Elektra, but this is also the same woman who did 13 going on 30. Try a less butch Hilary Swank. I mean, bitch played a boxer, a man and a courtesean (guess which one flopped like a Cher album in the early 90s).
TEG: True...I want to get back to Swank in a minute but first, my pal Ricky just texted me that Joan Baez sang at Santa Monica pier last night and I missed it. I haven't seen her since I doused myself in patchouli, grew out my pit hair and sold edamame burgers at the Newport Folk Festival in the mid-nineties
RvM: The only person who is a bigger lez than you is my dad -- only he eats meat, has to trim his pit hair and ever since his lesbian first wife Barb left him for a construction worker driving an El Camino, he's kept the patchouli to a minimum.
TEG: Maybe your dad and I should light some Sandalwood incense and lez out to a Joan / Joni Mitchell sing down. I'll see his Big Yellow Taxi and raise him one The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down.
RvM: He’s more of a Mama Cass, Ann Wilson, Linda Rondstadt lez. Guess he likes em big too.
TEG: Linda Rondsadt in those pigtails, roller-skates, and micro shorts. Now that's a woman!
RvM: Yeah -- who'd have seen canciones de mi padre, Emmylou Harris and shout down at the Aladdin casino coming?
TEG: Yeah. That's pretty diverse. Okay, back to the Swank. Amelia! What is it about Hilary? She makes 12 shit movies to an Oscar turn. I'm predicting she's the first woman to win three best actress statues.
RvM: Yeah, and then she'll turn around and do Speed 3 with Stephen Dorff and Sandra Bullock as the coast guard.
TEG: Although.... What might hurt her chances is that love scene with Richard Gere. It's reminiscent of the Foster / Gere pairing in that masterpiece Somersby. They had less chemistry than Tom Cruise and Kelly McGillis in Top Gun and Cruise and Kidman in Eyes Wide Shut...and well, Cruise and anyone.
RvM: Oddly, the best chemistry Cruise has ever had in a sex scene was with Shelly Long in Losing It. Not sure what that says.
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TEG: That was before he reached puberty right? Could have had something to do with it. Kay... What else? Outfest!
RvM: Yeah, heard something about Diane Lane stomping around the opening night party like one of those Power Up lesbians on a quest for the last taquito.
TEG: Diane Lane stomping around for a taquito would be priceless. Yeah, I missed Lisa Kudrow, Christina Ricci and Lane on the red carpet. Oh, and Chaz Bono's big debut, and by big I mean...
RvM: He was very nice to everyone -- even gave our lil coworker Scotty McPherson a big hug. I just don’t see Diane Lane eating a taquito though, which is why the image is odd to me. But yes, apparently a big success. I heard you went downtown with your pocket-gay to see Spamalot with that old fuck from Seinfeld. Better than Gayken I guess. Though I’ll bet the girl playing Lady of the Lake was relieved she's not Sara Ramirez. Otherwise, she'd have to pry you out of her tits with a crowbar.
TEG: My pocket gay is Leslie Jordan's lost son. And the woman who played Lady of the Lake -- I shall refer to my program later -- was one cup size shy of Ramirez's hotness. For a minute I thought it was her in a guest role...or maybe that was the dream I had. I don't know. But it was fun. So... two lesbian cougars in the works. Annette Bening and Julianne Moore in a Lisa Cholodenko film, and Swoosie Kurtz and Blythe Danner on Nurse Jackie. Which is the hotter couple and who's the top in each?
RvM: I think Swoosie is a total top. You catch her with that eye patch on Pushing Daisies? And since Annette is the top in her relationship with Warren, I’ll bet she backed down and gave Julianne a chance to shine.
TEG: Good point. But Blythe is no slouch. Although, after watching her as the boozie wasp type in Will and Grace and Huff, I'm sure she's the lazy one who just lies there.
RvM: Is that the episode where her bra was around her ass?
TEG: I don't recall that one? Which Will and Grace are you watching? I mean, my bra might have been around my ass while I was watching but hers was intact.
RvM: Its some episode where Will comes back after a disastrous dinner party and tells Blythe to put on a bra. She says, “I’m wearing one – it’s around my ass."
TEG: I hate to say it but I think Blythe is hotter than her daughter Gwyneth.
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TEG: Moving on...Maureen McCormick and Eve Plumb! Did Maureen pick Eve's plum or not?
RvM: I think Maureen probably rode Greg Brady nightly and when Greg moved on to a woman who'd let him remove her panties first, Maureen decided to pull a sister my sister and head down from the attic lookin for trouble.
TEG: Ew. You're filthy. Greg was too busy banging his onscreen mom Flo Henderson and the dad Robert Reed was cruising the fruit loop in the town park. What a dysfunctional family.
RvM: Yeah -- if the RV's a rockin at the Camp Pendleton rest stop, assume Carol Brady's not gettin none at home -- unless she was sneaking downstairs for a midnight romp of her own with Alice and the Hoover.
TEG: Oooooh I have to stop. It's all too much.
RvM: Speaking of, I wonder if Eve Plumb ever got any GILFG action from Ann B. Davis.
TEG: On the subject of seventies pop culture gems, our pal Joyce DeWitt, of Three's Company and Livingston Wine Cellars' fame, was popped for a DUI. Imagine sharing your cell with Janet Wood.
RvM: What’s most mortifying is that she plowed through a baracade in El Segundo. That's worse than Celestia does Fresno, Margot Killer does the valley, and Amy Winehouse does St. Lucia. El Segundo is tragic.
TEG: Being a transplant from quaint little Connecticut, I haven't quite familiarized myself with the tragedies of El Segundo. Elaborate darling.
RvM: Its not that bad, I’m just kidding. Though they do film some of CSI Miami's crime scenes there.
TEG: How does thong-clad Latinos translate to El Segundo?
RvM: It’s the headquarters for the grocery chain Fresh and Easy?
TEG: I love Fresh and Easy. That was my yearbook quote. But I thought Fresh and Easy was a UK chain. Cuz you know, those British girls put out before the first date and I know because I've done two of them.
RvM: If this is going to be another story about that bitch, your ex Kate Moss, and her lucky streak and you and your four run-ins with LAPD before you even celebrated your first anniversary living in the city, I’ll opt for water-boarding and a night of J Lo’s late 90's romantic comedies instead.
TEG: Yes, story of my life. My ex Kate Moss from Brighton, who screamed at me on Valentine's Day that she was a lucky person when she met me and I should just stop whining about my piss poor life. Ah well. What else? Has Lindsay thrown a Molotov Cocktail at Sam's Beachwood Manse lately?
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RvM: No, but someone said something about her getting robbed. Either that, or in a drug induced state, she riffled through her furniture looking for a hidden stash of crack, came to in the AM and called for police backup.
TEG: Oh and btw, I'd love to water-board J-Lo circa Out of Sight. And just so you know you tight-assed princess, I fact-checked J-Lo and romantic comedies and she did not do any in the late-nineties. She went down that path in 2001.
RvM: Do you mean water-board or motorboat? I’m never quite sure I know your type. Cuz with J Lo, it’s all about the ass, and gay men call that rimming. Not sure what you ladies call it when you put your face down there.
TEG: I'm going to remain tight-lipped on my rimming stance. Let's just say I love a little sugar around the rim of my cocktail glass. Anyhoo. J-Lo is no Salma but she's no Debra Messing either.
RvM: True dat. Hey, was just on IMDB, and apparently, Jodie Foster is directing Mel Gibson in a movie called The Beaver. Discuss.
TEG: I don't know where to begin. Is that about Mel's trip to lock-up where he reprises his role of the drunk-ass anti-Semite obsessed with Sugar Tits?
RvM: As long as Jodie isn’t playing Sugar Tits, we're good. Though I will say this: She had more sexual chemistry in Maverick with Mel than she did in any other romantic pairing she's done. Maybe it's cuz he's a born again and was looking to fuck anyone who wasn’t his wife at the time.
TEG: Maybe. I never found him hot. Although, I do think Jodie had her best chemistry with Cherie Currie in Foxes. Chubby, adolescent and horny! And just so you know, Brooke Shields is returning to the big screen in a movie called Furry Vengeance, costarring Brendan Fraser. Do you think she dons a giant possum costume and tops him?
RvM: Maybe they can do a double feature. Mel can harass Jodie's beaver, and then go after Brooke with a furry vengeance. Brendan Fraser can sit off to the side and ask god what the fuck happened to his fyne ass.
TEG: It's pretty perfect but in my version of the story, Brooke and Jodie use a couple of drunken tarts to lure Mel and Brendon away from set while they delve into researching the motivation of the beaver.
RvM: Well, it would take me about two seconds to figure out the top in that pairing, so I guess we should leave this column with that thought. Aight, Sugar Tits, have a good lunch.
TEG: Thanks Agave Sweetener ass!
RvM: Awww, you know my flava’ an’ e’rythang.
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