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When a fun-loving pair of gossipy homos gets together, nobody is safe. Sure, instant messaging is a wonderful tool for workplace communication and for late-night, ahem, romantic dalliances. But during those down times in the gay media business, what else is there to do but eviscerate the glitterati?
SheWired.com Senior Editor Tracy E. Gilchrist and Advocate.com Editor-in-Chief Ross von Metzke prove that lesbians and gay men do get along… especially when they’re getting bitchy over the latest dirt in Hollywood.
This week the bitchy pair ponders Hillary Clinton as Secretary of State and her latenight Jane Austen book club sessions with Michelle Obama. Plus, Rosie O'Donnell's variety show is a hot mess. Kim Cattrall moans in the bathroom and how about a pitch for Brooke Shields, Lucy Liu and Kristen Chenoweth to star in an original musical? Meanwhile, Tracy's obsessed with catching up on South of Nowhere and Franzia boxed wine. Don't ask...
TEG: Alright. I ate too much, feel bloated, I haven't slept, it's Friday. Let's do this thing.
RvM: Hahaha. Alright puffer, lay it on me.
TEG: Let's get political for a sec. Hillary Clinton as Sec of state.
RvM: She's fabulous. I can just see her doing a 678 country world tour like Celine Dion. Poor Chelsea Clinton running after her ass.
TEG: Chelsea with a water bottle... America Ferrera chasing Chelsea doing a PSA for some damned thing.
RvM: She could probably get Hillary in Machu Picchu to do a PSA on the importance of bringing drinking water to third world countries (cue Sean Hannity telling hill that Machu Picchu has a four star resort).
TEG: Good one. But really... I'm hoping she and Michelle engage in some Jane Austen book club evenings together.
RvM: Hahaha. That would be too much. Except Michelle would make Hillary read Beloved, and I would pay big bucks to see Hillary try to pretend she understood one lick of that shit.
TEG: Awwww. Hillary's lick -- I mean Lit -- skills are sharp I'm sure. She'd just have to watch out for Oprah. The Big O will have none of that I'm sure.
RvM: The Big O would push Hil down a flight of stairs if she was between her and a rack of lamb.
TEG: Amen. This is a mess. I just read “Guests scheduled to appear on Rosie Live include Liza Minnelli, Alec Baldwin, Ne-Yo, Alanis Morissette, Gloria Estefan, Kathy Griffin and Jane Krakowski.”
RvM: Oh my. Gloria and Liza doing Cabaret... Gloria trying to do it in Spanish while Liza busts out her tap shoes, David Gest and a macramé cape she did in rehab.
TEG: Alec calls Rosie a rude little pig. Rosie eats her pain.
RvM: And Alec.
TEG: Alanis can sing "Oye Mi Canto," with Rosie on drums.
RvM: I said that yesterday, you bloated wench. Rosie can wear her orange crocs and Gloria can come in like a matador and shove her ass into the orchestra pit.
TEG: Oh... and Alanis does the entire show in the nude ala "Thank you India..."
RvM: On a mini Indian rug... cue Rosie joke??????
TEG: She kisses Rosie in an on-air spin the bottle game. That'll be the dénouement.
RvM: Oh, I would toss my rabbit ears into the sink and pray to be electrocuted.
TEG: Cue it when the White Rabbit peaks. Oh Lord... so what else is happening? I've been in a South of Nowhere rabbit hole. What does that say about me?
RvM: It says you like 22 year olds and Franzia.
TEG: Kay... nuff said... I'm just saying those lil actresses are really good.
RvM: YEAH, THEY AIGHT. NOTHING COMPARED TO THE BRAUN THOUGH... AND I DONT MEAN THAT THING YOU HAVE SHOVED BETWEEN YOU’RE PILLOW AND YOU’RE HEADBOARD.
TEG: I see an All My Children / Tamara Braun reference got you excited enough to hit you’re all caps. Tone it down big boy.
RvM: Oh shit… the Braun. That’s me with it shoved by headboard.
TEG: Okay Samantha.
RvM: AA batteries are a girl's best friend (wink, toothy grin, cue left breast lobbing out of my caftan).
TEG: Is that your impression of Samantha?
RvM: Yes. That Kim Cattrall. I love that she pretends she and Samantha are nothing alike, and then she goes out and writes a book about the OTHER big O.
TEG: I know... and when I was peeing in the stall next to her at the GLAAD Awards she was moaning like she was having it off.
RvM: Did you kick open the stall to watch?
TEG: She told Cynthia-loves-the-ladies Nixon that after holding it for along time it's better than an orgasm. And no I didn’t watch. Damn... I was too titillated. I had to stay put till the moment passed.
RvM: You should have poked you’re head under the stall and offered her your left hand.
TEG: All Hands on Deck as it were?
RvM: If you’re happy and you know it clap...
TEG: From vibrators to children’s songs in a fell swoop. Not bad. Anyway... what else is up this week? Poor Lucy Liu...
RvM: I know. That poor girl. Blame Matt Leblanc.
TEG: Why Matt Leblanc?
RvM:Charlie's Angels one and two, Joey. Its like he cursed her.
More on next page...
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(continued)
TEG: Perhaps now that Dirty, Sexy Money, Pushing Daisies and Lipstick Jungle have all been shit-canned, Lucy, Brooke and Kristen Chenoweth can do a musical together. Something involving anti-depressants, motherhood, Tom Cruise and Scientology. Oh... and fashion of course.
RvM: Oh no. Have you seen Brooke sing? I had a better time watching Teri Hatcher do karaoke.
TEG: Oh... poor Brooke. I guess she can't be beautiful and brilliant and sing too. Waaaa... bitch.
RvM: Is she brilliant? I always forget she went to Princeton. And snogged Dean Cain.
TEG: She's a pretty big smarty-pants.
RvM: Dean Cain, who had 15 minutes before Eddie Cibrian swept down and stole his career… and his abs.
TEG: Brooke faced Tom Cruise in that NY Times Op-ed.
RvM: This is true. Tom’s a douche.
TEG: Oh, and Cibrian's hotter.
RvM: Yes, Cibrian is. I think of him in the shower. And on Mulholland. Why, I don’t know.
TEG: You think of him in the shower or you think of him while you're in the shower? Or both?
RvM: In the shower with me, and Todd. LOL
TEG: I'm so lonely I'd take a shower with Xanax popping Wino Ryder at this point. And she's not so cute anymore.
RvM: She's got that long face ladies get when they have a history of booze and petty theft.
TEG: Shit... I'd better not start shoplifting or I'll have it too. One out of two ain't bad.
RvM: Xanax is what I use to sleep. Well, that and warm milk. That’s what my Nana Cookie calls bourbon.
TEG: Hahaha... My mom used to hand me Codeine cough syrup bottle and take say 'take a swig.' I think that's where it started.
RvM: Yeah. Pretty soon, you get so loaded, you take a swig and wind up the next Judy Garland.
TEG: I still have a soft spot for opium-related products and a long winter's' night with my afghan and cat. Clang, clang, clang... Not really though. Drugs are bad. I'm really just a garden variety drunk
RvM: I tried to by absinthe on eBay once, but the cyber police stopped me at the border of Uzbekistan.
TEG: Was that your Midnight Express moment? Okay... what's next? Are we done? I gotta go watch the rest of South of Nowhere. Then I'll move on to everything with a youngMischa Barton and before Katie Holmes was reprogrammed.
RvM: Isn’t SON only available on Hulu and at the Pasadena Playhouse?
TEG: Pretty much. It's hard to find. It's pure crack though. It's why I haven't slept.
RvM: I was like that with Alias... that Jen Garner. Phew.
TEG: She could crack your pea head with those super thighs of hers.
RvM: That she could. I love her though. She just got her stalker put at bay by the pop po. The kook actually called her Sidney Bristow.
TEG: Like Marcia Brady on Friends stalking Joey. Oh Wait. It wasn't Marcia. It was Maureen McCormick.
RvM: Hahaha. I knew you'd take it there. Ok, go diddle to Mandy.
TEG: Moore? I love her.
RvM: Me too. And her lezzie mom.
TEG: That's right. Was Mandy out marching for her lesbian moms?
RvM: Who knows. She was probably out drinking with her lesbian moms.
TEG: Alright... I have to go sleep or drink or something.
RvM: Me too. Night…
TEG: Um... It's 4:30 p.m., but okay. Night.
RvM: qkwjevnwjepof2q zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
RvM: qkwjdb2 cfrn34oiu fn3oi4gf zzzzzzzzzzzzzzwhatoink?
RvM: what'd I miss?
TEG: OurChart.com folded, the economy finally tanked, Tom Cruise came out and Armageddon. Oh and I'm peri-menopausal.
RvM: oh crap. I was out for a while then. When last we spoke, you were pregnant.
TEG: I have a teenager now. Alright go away…
Miss the last "Gossip Girl"? Read it here.
