When a fun-loving pair of gossipy homos gets together, nobody is safe. Sure, instant messaging is a wonderful tool for workplace communication and for late-night, ahem, romantic dalliances. But during those down times in the gay media business, what else is there to do but eviscerate the glitterati?
SheWired.comSenior Editor Tracy E. Gilchrist and Advocate.comEditor-in-Chief Ross von Metzke prove that lesbians and gay men do get along… especially when they’re getting bitchy over the latest dirt in Hollywood.
Pre-Christmas the gossipy duo is ramped up, salacious and on about Susan Lucci and Tamara Braun...again. Plus, they go off about Christina Aguilera'sClockwork Orange outfit, Beyonce in Obsessed. Helen Mirren and Halle Berry lobbing them out...and Rick Warren...go figure.
TEG: Hey you. Are you ready? I love this working from home. YOU missed out today. You're homo heart would have wept.
RvM: DONT TELL ME. I’m only on Wednesday.
TEG: How did you know I was talking about All My Children? I could have been on about Whoopi and Elisabeth making out on The View.
RvM: Because you know me. All roads lead to la Looch.
TEG: Haha...All I'm gonna say is...
RvM: Can we start this column already. Bitch, my legs hurt from this cold.
TEG: We're in it.All I'm saying is...
RvM: Oh, shit, my tranq dart must’ve kicked in.
TEG: Bianca takes to the microphone and it ain't pretty. It's a little like the old white lady singing church hymns. But the Braun looks on lovingly.
RvM: Did Looch take to the mic and sing "Santa Baby" while straddling the Braun?
TEG: Haha.. I wish.I would have had to sign out of IM for a good ten to 15 to process it.
RvM: A friend and I wanna do a skit for YouTube. Have a Susan Lucci Xmas! It’s the best time of the year. She's a ho, with mistletoe and Botox from ear to ear.
TEG: You'll recreate a scene from Ebby no doubt?
RvM: I want to see Susan Lucci in Doubt.
TEG: You are killing me!
RvM: Alright, I’m sorry. What’s up lady?
TEG: Okay... so I can not get through the fist two episodes of Damages no matter how hard I try.
RvM: I loved them. You need to stop with that special "tea." Herbal my ass.
TEG: I keep dozing off but that's okay because it's night after night of that hot bitch Aussie Rose Byrne going off on Ms. Close.
RvM: I love Ms. Close, but she cant move her forehead this season.
TEG: I'm telling you. I haven't slept well without an Ambien, a codeine drip, a cocktail and a girl hugging me since high school and whatever is in the new Sleepytime is gonna send me to NA. It's a fucking narcotic.
RvM: Sleepytime. You’re funny.
TEG: I hate to admit to being that much of a wuss but that gd Celestial Seasonings is knocking me on my ass. And you are right. Glenn's forehead is mighty smooth.It's a blank canvas. Tabula rasa if you will.
RvM: I’m glad celestial seasonings is all it takes. I need melatonin, a bong hit and a bj. Anyhoo, what's up with these skanky girl who thinks just because they lip lock a ho at a party, that’s cause to come out as bi?
TEG: Ummm. Aubrey O'Day? If that were true, every bitch I kissed drunk at a cast party in high school would be out and proud rather than hauling around four kids, a car seat and a hubby.
RvM: Aubrey Oday looks like the kind of girl who lingers on the lips for months after you kiss her, know what I mean? The next Valtrex spokes girl.
TEG: I don't go for that slutty cold sore look.
RvM: Neither do I. I’m a po dunk, trash hooker.
TEG: Yes you are love. Did you see DListed'spicture of Christina Aguilera?
RvM: Does she still look like Divine?
TEG: A Clockwork Whoreange. She was dressed like Alex Delarge for her birthday.
RvM: I love it. Her new album tanked.
TEG: How dare you defile Divine.
RvM: God rest her big ass soul.
TEG: Why does everyone hate Christina now? I thought she was the darling for a tad.
RvM: I love her. She’ll come back. She just needs to do a fat flush and take a nap Oh. She's a poor mommy now..who is clearly still breast feeding. can u feed if they're fake? No baby needs silicone flavored milk.
TEG: I'm telling you, that childbirth shit has got to go. Unless it's Salma.
RvM: Too true.
TEG: Did you see that in their first day shooting 30 Rock together Salma had to shove her hand down Alec's pants and pretend to fondle his bits?
RvM: I know. I wonder who she was thinking of…Penny?
TEG: Of course. You know Penny's metaphorically hung!
RvM: Penny has a DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICK.
TEG: That would be hot but I don't think so.
RvM: She probably topped Johansson.
TEG: Duh.
RvM: Now there are some lush hoots.
TEG: It doesn't take a rode hard homo like you to figure that out.
RvM: I have not been ridden hard. I’m a VIRGIN* *i.e. Hilary Duff, Jessica Simpson, Britney Spears
TEG: As am I. Mine is retroactive at this point. Congrats to Penny on her noms for Globes and SAG.
RvM: She can keep the globes and give the sag to Sophia Loren… bah dum ching.
TEG: I love it. I was just thinking we need some new names for these awards. I mean BAFTA really?
RvM: British Academy of Fucking Tit over Arse? Remember when Helen Mirren did that? She's a fierce bitch.
TEG: That it is one hotass cougar with stellar acting chops.
RvM: I love it when a woman of a certain age doesn’t seem to mind sharing her jugs with the world.
TEG: Like Tracey Ullman's impression of her getting her tits out in a movie. That reminds me of when Eddie and Saffy got their tits out at the Eiffel Tower.
RvM: I love that episode. Priceless.
TEG: What else... Oh... did you catch Melissa Etheridge and Lucy Lawless on Bonnie Hunt? Did they duet on “You Don’t Bring Me Flowers? Collective lesbian heads must have exploded.
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RvM: That’s insanity. I love it. When is Bonnie on? 9 a.m. in Indianapolis?
TEG: Local cable only. And is it just my pervy little brain or does Lil lezzy Hasselbeck have a proverbial woody for Melissa?
RvM: Hang on one sec. Sorry, that was our red headed friend from next door -- John Cleland. He's ditching me tonight for a bottle of Absolut and Nintendo Wii.
TEG: My pretend BF?
RvM: I thought that was Mark Umbach.
TEG: I have more than one pretend bf. I'm slutty like that.
RvM: People miss you today.
TEG: Awww.The laugh, the whining, the inappropriateness?
RvM: Someone swung by your desk and said, where's busty? No... No.I said it. They called you chesty.
TEG: You bitch.
RvM: HAHAHA. One more boob update. Halle Berry. Did you see her lob one out?
TEG: Oh yeah. What's with Halle in the Foxy Brown togs whipping out her boob?
RvM: You don’t wanna know. She plays a bitch with split personalities.
TEG: Is she trying to compete with Beyonce in Obsessed?
RvM: Oh Lord. Oh fucking Sasha fierce has blockbuster entertainment award wrapped up with that one.
TEG: Sasha Fierce. Is she kidding with that? Ugg. She and Ali Larter tangling a piece of man meat? When are they going to get it right? Ditch the dude and just tangle with each other. For a bunch of straight boys running Hollywood they really miss the great girl-on-girl objectification moments.
RvM: Can you imagine. Ali pushes Bey down the stairs. Bey pulls out a machete and slices her.
TEG: And then they fuck?
RvM: And then the fuck on the parkade floor. Exactly. You got it.
TEG: Two peas....
RvM: I miss a good late night Cinemax dry hump Shannon Tweed is my bitch. I miss that dry hump too.
TEG: I mean really, I could use one.
RvM: A dry hump? Hmmm. Shakey's Pizza?
TEG: Is that where the tranny hookers hang? Because I have my dignity and I'm not paying.
RvM: Just buy em a slice.
TEG: I'll go to a sports bar Big Wangs and pick up a dude if I get that desperate.
RvM: Oh no. Don’t be that girl. “Stalls occupied."
TEG: You mean every girl in Hollywood? I'm a germaphobe. I can barely pee in a public toilet, never mind getting it on. Yeesh.
RvM: We devolved.
TEG: I’ll say.
RvM: Anything else of interest in your lil lesbian world?
TEG: Answer me about Hasselbeck, I need to know what you think.
RvM: If she wants Melissa? You’re reading into that shit. I think she wants a raise. Seriously. I pay as little attention to her as possible wallpaper interests me more.
TEG: Well, if she keeps saying I love you to ME on air, that Fox gig will go down the tubes.
RvM: She's one of those bigots with "tons of gay friends." Fuck her.
TEG: What do you think about the whole Rick Warren thing? And I'm not asking just cuz I would have liked more opportunity to discover if Chelsea Clinton really does have the ass of life as the Philadelphia gays said.
RvM: Well, here’s the thing. To cut Obama an ounce of slack. Also on the bill is an 86-year-old black pastor from the south who has spent the better part of a decade teaching love and acceptance of the LGBT community. That said, I think it was pre-arranged. Warren holds the debate and calls on the religious right. He lands a spot in the inauguration of whomever wins with any luck, hell get drunk grab Michelle Obama’s nice ass and Wanda will take him out.
TEG: OH hell no. Michelle would take him down. In a fell swoop. No fucking around. That wobbly fucker would hit the ground.
RvM: They can go all Tarantino Death Proof on his ass. Michelle can drop him.
TEG: I love it. Wanda, Michelle and Tracy Thoms kicking the shit out of Warren.
RvM: And Wanda can introduce him to her magnum. I like that Rosario Dawson I’m probably the only one.
TEG: Me too.
RvM: She's got a nice mouth.
TEG: Please....you are talking to a healthy lesbian woman here. What's not to love about Dawson?
RvM: She's the sort of girl you do shots with and take the lime from her mouth.
TEG: Stop...remember I'm working from home.
RvM: HAHAHAHA. Did you just get some Morton’s salt and a cactus leaf?
TEG: I'm acting it out. I don't have a cactus leaf but I've got some succulent. It's California after all. I just hope it's not poisonous. Alright boy.I think we've perved out enough for a pre-Christmas Gossip Girl.
RvM: Go down some egg nog and call a neighbor.
Missed the last Gossip Girl and her Gay? Read it here.
