Gossip Girl and Her Gay: Ellen DeGeneres, Maureen McCormick

Maureen McCormick spills her guts and Ellen Degeneres saves her marriage to Portia de Rossi. Plus Sara Ramirez is one smokin' big-piped girl and Tina Fey and Amy Poehler sandwiches.

 When a fun-loving pair of gossipy homos gets together, nobody is safe. Sure, instant messaging is a wonderful tool for workplace communication and for late-night, ahem, romantic dalliances. But during those down times in the gay media business, what else is there to do but eviscerate the glitterati?

SheWired.com Senior Editor Tracy E. Gilchrist and Advocate.com Editor-in-Chief Ross von Metzke prove that lesbians and gay men do get along… especially when they’re getting bitchy over the latest dirt in Hollywood.

This week Ross and Tracy go head to head in a debate over Susan Lucci's filthy beast status, Maureen McCormick's Marcia Brady spill-her-guts bad girl tome and Ellen Degeneres' generous contribution to save her marriage to Portia de Rossi. Meanwhile, Tracy hates herself for actually getting drawn in by Grey's Anatomy. But hey, Sara Ramirez is one smokin' big-piped girl! Plus... Meryl Streep, Silkwood showers and Tina Fey and Amy Poehler sandwiches... These girls, and by girls I mean Ross and Tracy... need some sleep.

RvM: I just spotted you from across the office putting a hoodie on. It’s nice to know that to prep for an IM chat fest with me, you need to look warm and dykey.

TG: Is that a coral colored pashmina I see poking over your cubicle?

RvM: Fuck you. That’s the boa on mySusan Lucci Barbie Collector's Edition.

TG: Pashmina is more stylish! You drag queen.

RvM: Susan is TIMELESS!

TG: Ohhh. Have you seen the faux campaign ad on Dancing with the Stars? Cloris Leachman calls the Looch filthy beast or something. Looch totally cops to and owns being filthy.

RvM: I need to watch that shit now... PLS HOLD. Susan is no filthy beast. Cloris is an old bar wench.

TG: Hell yes. She was my BOYFRIEND! Insert Horse whinny here.

RvM: pffffffffffffffffffffffffffff

TG: How do you translate your bodily noises so easily into text?

RvM: Years of practice and a brief addiction to Ex-Lax milkshakes.

TG: Nasty! Maybe you can go on Tyra to talk about it.

RvM: Does she drink those?

TG: Not from the looks of it these days!

RvM: Yeah, she's a heifer.

TG: So, I have a new gay boyfriend with DListed's Michael K. I had a one on one with him about gayelle sex, strap-ons and dildos. Are you jealous?

RvM: Yeah, gayelle sex, strap on dildos. I got a dick of my own and if I wanted to talk about scissoring I’d look up my old roomie Christine, give her a box of pinot and watch her nod off on the toilet playing me old Judd’s anthems on the bongos. She was a mess.

TG: Sounds like my kind of girl. And is that Judds as in Wynona and Naomi or is that jugs?

RvM: Judds. She had no jugs. She was a member of the itty bitty titty committee. Unlike you. You’re from the camp across town who those girls chase down with water balloons. And white t-shirts.

TG: Yeah... I've been there. Thank God I don't have to go through junior high again. Every nerd boy with half a woody wanted to get on them.

RvM: Did they ever motorboat you? I wanna do that to Salma Hayek. With my cheeks.

TG: No but my last GF tried to all the time. So frustrating. It took me back to my adolescence. Oh hell. I'd do that to Salma.

RvM: Your gf... blech.

TG: Ohhh. I know... Onwards and upwards... Maureen McCormick. Go!

RvM: What a fucking dried up old mess. Is that what it's come to for Hollywood has-beens? Mortgage is due and suddenly they have to write a book about sucking dick for scrips and pimping themselves out for a suck on a hookah. How very Ryan O’Neal of her. Oh, shit, I thought you were talking about Maureen O’Hara.

TG: Don't hate. This is Marcia Fucking Brady. And she made the proper trajectory and paraded her fat ass around Celebrity Fit Club first!

RvM: I know, I know. Was she on with Jacque or that fat girl from Moesha?

TG: Da Brat! That mess.

RvM: She went to jail right?  I think she should be the father of Mariah’s baby.

TG: She did go to jail. Damn. Bitch probably had the rule of the yard. Lucky strikes smuggled in the vag and all.

RvM: I just heard someone in the office say the words 'Meryl', 'dirty', 'hot' and 'out of Africa' -- discuss.

TG: Sounds like my last date! Followed by the ever-popular Silkwood Shower.

RvM: You need to take a new shower. How bout a Baby Mama shower?

TG: Do you mean a Fey / Poehler sandwich? I'm in! Oh wait... Amy should have that baby first.

RvM: Did you see her do Katie Couric? Looked about to bust. I say call her round Xmas.

TG: Of course I saw her do Couric. What king of fan girl do you think I am? I know.. She’s getting Debra Messing pregnant look.

More on next page...

\\\

(continued)

TG: Speaking of DM... Starter Wife... Judy Davis picked a lock with a swizzle stick. That is one sexy cougar who scares the shit out of me.

RvM: She should. She scared Joy Behar. That’s one tough old bitch too.

TG: OooF.

RvM: Who would you rather fuck? Joy or Suzanne Somers? Discuss.

TG: Joy! All the way! Suzanne would crush my peanut head between those thigh-mastered tree trunks of hers.

RvM: She’d break through your bottle of pinot in one squish.

TG: Oh hell no! Nobody wastes my wine. That's grounds for dismissal!

RvM: Ok, so what else darling. Anyone else to diss?

TG: Oh... No dissing. Just Ellen No to Prop 8. I'm glad she finally came out and did something. Her homos were getting restless!

RvM: I know. Someone was about to go over there, rip that 25 calorie shake out of Portia’s hand and hand her a lamb chop. You know El likes her bitch skinny.

TG: I wonder if Ellen shares her nightly fourth margarita with poor Portia! But good for Ellen. She's the world most beloved homo!

RvM: Portia does a shot of Chambord and goes out back to diddle the maid.

TG: Damn… Shut your mouth or you might get some pissed off publicist to pull a Lorena Bobbitt on you!

RvM: But yes. Kudos to El. I do love her. And Mandy.

TG: Aw. Mandy Rogers.

RvM: From the outback of AU.

TG: I hate to admit it... I can't stand myself. This Grey's Anatomy lezzie storyline has me watching that shit! And Pompeo, Heigl, Knight and Dempsey make me want to put on my flannel jammies and lay down for a long winter's nap.

RvM: That’s funny. My bf quit watching and followed Kate Walsh to Santa Monica.

TG: Huh?

RvM: He watches that spinoff, Private Practice. Me.I hate em both.

TG: I'm just watching to see if Brooke Smith calls Sara hot ass mega cleavage Ramirez "Precious" when they finally seal the deal. I love Brooke. She was hilarious on Weeds but she will always be the girl in the well Jodie saves in Silence!

RvM: I don’t think SAADA would fit in a bucket.

TG: Maybe one of her lovely breasts would.

RvM: A milk bucket. YOU can play hand maiden.

TG: Too much… typically I’m the non-stop perv but you’re beating me out today. Alright... I know you have to run. Where the hell are you going? Every time I turn around your perky little ass is running out the door!

RvM: It's Friday. I have a massage, a haircut, cocktail hour and a 2 day nap. You?

TG: Hmmm. A date with a bottle of Rioja, reruns of Facts of Life and my cat! Oh and I have to sit through dinner at the LA center with you tomorrow night.

RvM: That'll be fun.Tipper Gore and Joely Fisher. So one of em will whip out her tits and the other one will hop up and censor.

TG: I love it. I hope Tipper slaps a piece of duct tape over my filthy gob!

RvM: Goodnight.

RvM: And good luck.

RvM: LOL

TG: Ciao Boy!

Miss the last "Gossip Girl"? Read it here.