Gossip Girl and Her Gay: Drew Barrymore, Kate Winslet

When a fun-loving pair of gossipy homos gets together, nobody is safe. Sure, instant messaging is a wonderful tool for workplace communication and for late-night, ahem, romantic dalliances. But during those down times in the gay media business, what else is there to do but eviscerate the glitterati?

SheWired.comSenior Editor Tracy E. Gilchrist and Advocate.comEditor-in-Chief Ross von Metzke prove that lesbians and gay men do get along… especially when they’re getting bitchy over the latest dirt in Hollywood.

This week it's Golden Globes mania. Ross and Tracy ponder Drew Barrymore's hot mess ensemble, Kate Winslet's new set of Globes, Salma Hayek's metaphorical blow of a kiss to her gf Penelope Cruz... plus, they wax on about cougars Sally Field, Meryl Streep, Emma Thompson and hot ass Glenn Close mysteriously rocking Doris Roberts togs.

TEG: Hey you.  You wanna talk about the Globes? And I'm not talking about mine.

RvM: Your globes are getting smaller if I'm watching the correct SheWired video blog. You're looking great.

TEG: Awww. Thanks. Is that just cuz I was sporting a SheWired beater all around Weho this weekend? Representing and revealing my slightly improved arms thanks to having my ass beat by a trainer?

RvM: No... I thought that before I saw you out and about this weekend. Speaking of which, I know Shawnee gave you permission to have two drinks, but you don't have to sound so eager about downing em. Seriously... I'm off for pasta salad and coffee, and you're practically asking the homeless man on the corner if he wants to join you for a shot of Goldschlager so you don't have to drink alone.

TEG: What can I say? I'm determined to do what I'm told....and if I can have two drinks, by golly, I'm going to make the most of it. Anyway...The Globes. Who was your fave train wreck?

RvM: Well, it's a toss up. Drew Barrywhore is the easy one. I mean, she looked like a platinum blonde Helena Bonham Carter from Fight Club. But I'm more about the true letdowns. the ones you don't see coming. And Marisa Tomei looked like she was gonna set up shop on the Santa Monica boardwalk and tell fortunes.

TEG: I love that one of my gay boys said Drew looked Crazy Bad like a pill-popping housewife in Valley of the Dolls. What was with that cotton candy spritzed out hair?

RvM: I wanted to say it was for a role, but something tells me her gay hairdresser skipped town so she had no choice but to let Jessica Lange give it a go. And with those cat eyes, she probably couldn't see shit.

TEG: Do you think they were in character for Grey Garden's? Cuz they were making Little Edie and her mama look relatively sane. I'm surprised Drew didn't have a raggedy cat hiding in that do. Lange looked like she was on nip and should have been carrying a litter box for a prop.

RvM: Lange was eclipsed by Sally Field, Meryl Streep, Susan Sarandon, Emma Thompson, et al -- all ladies near or around her age who looked better.Glenn Close is my fav actress. But she indeed looked like Doris Roberts...as you said

TEG: Yeah. Why  was she in Doris Roberts drag?

RvM: Who boasted your fav golden globes? And not the pair Kate won.

TEG: Hahaha. Well, the Winslet's Globes are quite lovely and I'm not talking about the dual acting ones she won...but...come on.  Salma Hayeks' are always winners.

RvM: I know, I know. Salma has a rack. Nancy Odell practically breastfed on the carpet.

TEG: I know I would have...if there were whiskey in there.  I'd be fired from E before the first hour of the red carpet was out.  Salma said she was blowing a kiss to her girl Penelope -- insert accent here-- to win best supporting.  Fuck no. Screw blowing a kiss to Penny. Somebody better get  actually kissed or blown before the night is out.

RvM: I wonder which would be more awkward. Watching you chase Salma's tail... or watching Steven Cojucaro follow Zac Efron into the lil boys' room for a pre show fluff.

TEG: Steven for sure.

RvM: I'm not sure. something tells me in going for Salma, you'd trip over Penny Cruz's train and end up catching yourself by getting grabby with Winslet's ample derriere.

TEG: Okay Freud...Interpreting my dreams. That must be why I'm so tired today. That's all I dreamt about.

RvM: Awww. BTW.  Before going on with the globes... I know you don't love Desperate Housewives as I do, but last night, Nicolette and Teri get locked in the basement, and to pass the time, decide to track all the men Teri's dated... Nicolette says... "it's either that or make out, and something tells me you aren't into that."

TEG: See. That's why I don't watch.

TEG: Real desperate housewives would get Sapphic between the laundry and the Sara Lee.

RvM: Hmmm. I suppose. I think Nicolette would be down. I wanted her to toss Eva Longoria onto the hood of the car she hoses down in the promo and get all noche Latino on her ass.

TEG: Who would be the top in that bunch? Huffman?

RvM: Hmmmmm. Huffman is a definite possibility. but something tells me Eva Longoria might take the prize. she's small, but feisty

TEG: On another note.  If I had to watch that damned Kate (yawn) Walsh Cadillac commercial one more effing time I was going to drive my Scion through my television.

RvM: Hahahaha. yeah, that got old. Too bad she got left for a man by her husband. Oops. I also heard she swings both ways. What do you think?

TEG: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzZZZZZqxnbieosnwo?????!! Yeah I missed that. Were you talking about Kate Walsh?   She would have to swing both ways since she likely puts all her lovers to sleep like a 5' 11" Ambien.

RvM: I don't watch that damn show. Or Grey's Anatomy. If I wanna watch bi's or lezzies getting it on in a hospital wing, ill propose they make Courteney Cox and Sarah Chalke get it on over on Scrubs.

TEG: Good thinking. You should be a TV exec.

RvM: I know. Can you imagine? Ugly Betty. Judith light dumping Vanessa Williams for a roll in the sack with Ana Ortiz? Ratings gold!

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(continued)

TEG: Alyssa Milano turns up for three-episode arc in which she and Vanessa spearhead a runway show on a lesbian cruise. They fall in love role playing in the captain's cabin.

RvM: That could become awkward. I mean, at the end of Who's the Boss, Angela became Sam Micelli's step mom. if she showed up on the cruise, I might need to call my elementary school therapist Nina Stark Morris for a checkup. BTW. I stopped going to her cuz at some point, she asked me to call her "mom." Very awkward.

TEG: My Junior High Guidance Counselor looked like a raven-haired Cheryl Ladd.

RvM: So basically, Cheryl Ladd sans peroxide.

TEG: I was in there every day reading her my angst poetry and discussing my burgeoning hormones, lesbian tendencies and love of Italian Neorealism and Rumple Minze.

RvM: Hmmm, Alyssa Milano, Cheryl Ladd, Vanessa Williams, Nina Stark Morris. this has the makings of a killer show for Darren Starr. If Nancy McKeon stopped by, it would be one big Dinah Shore weekend.

TEG: Too bad Aaron Spelling is dead.

RvM: Too bad Tori didn't get his creative know how.

TEG: She got his looks.

RvM: I mean, how many men in one life can find work for Joan Collins, Lauren Tewes and that hairy pooch on 7th heaven? Not Jessica Biel. The other one.

TEG: And he found work for Herve Villachaize. Total genius!

RvM: So we have Alyssa, Cheryl, Vanessa, Nina stark Morris and Herve. Sign me up!

TEG: I forgot what we're doing. Is this a treatment for a TV pilot or a co-dependents anonymous meeting?

RvM: I'm not sure either. though if rob morrow and David Kelly can base a TV series about a genius young lawyer around Hilary Duff, you and I can get this fucking hot mess sold.

TEG: Okay...one minute back to the Globes...

TEG: What'd you think when Dame Winslet nabbed her second Globe and forgot Angie while Meryl Streep laughed her ass off?

RvM: I thought what I always think when Meryl laughs her ass off. either she had one too many glasses of pinot, or Emma Thompson locked her train in the stall again and Meryl's spanks bunched.

TEG: I think Emma and Meryl had one too many glass of Pinot on the set or Angels in America and had it off while Emma was aerial.

RvM: In those wings. How nasty... did you see when they handed a glass of bubbly to Sally Field, and she thanked God.

TEG: Sister Bertrille!

RvM: Wa-wa. the Flying Nun. thank god they didn't remake that for TV. I'm much happier seeing Sally as Nora Walker than Mother Superior.

TEG: True... Who would star in that remake btw?

RvM: Of the Flying Nun?

TEG: I could see Amanda Bynes. But that's almost good casting.

RvM: With our luck they'd get  Miley Cyrus and make it for Disney... you know, the version where, after she takes her habit off, she steps into the shower for a web show. When did Gossip Girl and her Gay become a tween special?

TEG: Since I dyked out and lost myself to South of Nowhere for an entire month.

RvM: Yeah, you lost me there. I almost quit the column and went to work for On our Backs

TEG: On Our Backs? That's a lesbian sex mag with, shall we say, very real looking women.  And by real I mean pit hair. Lots of it.

RvM: Don't you have a work out to get to or something?

TEG: Today is my day off since I don't have a muscle left in my body that isn't bruised, stressed or strained.

RvM: Yeah, I gotta say, my legs hurt something fierce. And since Hugh Jackman isn't returning my calls, I only have Runyon Canyon to blame.

TEG: Well, I have a hot girl to blame. But she's just working me over at a Gold's Gym.

RvM: And at the Abbey...

TEG: Shhhh. I have not been drinking at the Abbey with my trainer. On that note.  I'll catch you next week when I'll be sporting a tankini to work. So brace yourself.