When a fun-loving pair of gossipy homos gets together, nobody is safe. Sure, instant message. But during those down times in the gay media business, what else is there to do but eviscerate the glitterati?
SheWired.comEditor in Chief Tracy E. Gilchrist's standard gay, Ross von Metzke, thinks he's too good to b.s. with her. So AdvocateEditor Neal Ann Broverman (that's his name for this column at least) prove that lesbians and gay men do get along... especially when they're getting bitchy over the latest dirt in Hollywood.
This week in gay gossip and crap you never wanted to know or remember...Tracy's too disgusted with her bloat to say hello to a very gay user friendly Charlize Theron at Meet in the Middle, but she did hang with the Santa Claus Club of Fresno...don't ask. Plus, Sonia Sotomayor vs. Marilyn Milian, Pink wants to turn Kanye West into a human chapeau, Heathers the sequel and what flavor would Chastity Bono, Ellen Degeneres, Portia de Rossi and more be if they were Bonne Bell Lipsmackers? Yes it's all self-indulgent.
TEG: Hey Lady, I know you were up in Portland this weekend. Did you grow dreads, drown yourself in patchouli and join a drum circle?
NAB: I gave up showering, decorated my bike, and experimented with women--you know, the usual.
TEG: Good for you. I was sweating my cleavage off in Fresno for Meet in the Middle because I'm trying to save the gays...you know.
NAB: Oh, wasn't there a high-profile Academy Award winning actress there that you managed not to speak to?
Charlize and her mama Gerda Theron
TEG: Oh you mean Charlize, who was all of three feet away from me for a good chunk of time? Yeah, I was bloated and needed to powder my nose from the heat, so I missed the opportunity to don my roller-skates and make out to "Don't Stop Believin" with her. Although, rumor has it she was playfully kissing her "girl" friends on the lawn of the Fresno City Hall.
NAB: Funny, that you use the word 'chunk,' since you had a debilitating case of "I am fat"sies that rendered you impotent when you should have been trading Christina Ricci stories with 'Lize.
TEG: Damn...good catch. See I have weight on the brain. Damn it. I did get to touch Harvey Milk's bullhorn. That was pretty special. I felt humbled.
NAB: Oh that's nice. No jokes here.
TEG: Yes, it was. You know it's special when neither of us cynical bitches has something shitty to say. However, the best part of the weekend was dining with the Santa Claus Club of Fresno at some overpriced restaurant that likely does most of its business during the Early Bird Special hour. It was the homos and 12 Santas. NO fucking kidding.
NAB: Oooh, did you see any Old Nick dick?
TEG: Nasty... No but one more inch over when I sat on his knee and I might have gotten dangerously close.... So wrong! Seriously, what's the gay scene in Portland like? Did you meet a cute macramé artist?
NAB: Stop. It's very sophisticated. I only saw one "Clogmasters" store.
TEG: Haha... What was the Croc count?
NAB: Actually, it's quite fashionable in a hipster sort of way. And lesbians are quite cuddly there.
TEG: Hmmm. Maybe I need to do a travel piece on lesbian bars of Portland. And by cuddly, do you mean large and furry?
NAB: No--affectionate! They're just happy; in their natural environment. No LA-esque pressure to wear heels, lots of places for them to play softball... Don't you love when I talk in stereotypes?
TEG: Oh that. Yeah, you gotta be gorgeous and stick-thin or drunk of your ass and not give a shit to go out in WeHo.
NAB: Or host your own reality-show. What's it like in NY for lady lovers?
TEG: So true.
NAB: As cunthroat? I mean, cutthroat...
TEG: Oh I don't know. They're badass I think. I guess it's biker boots and a shank made out of a toothbrush required. Anyhoo. What's going on in the gossip world?I've been so busy protesting my ass off from that fucking California Supreme Court screw gay marriage decision that I'm actually turning into someone with a conscience.
NAB: Sonia Sotamayor sex tape!
NAB: It's her and her rabbit.
TEG: Hey now, I like a Supreme Court justice who can hold her own, and by hold her own, I mean take care of herself.
NAB: I know very little about Sonia's judicial record, but I actually think Obama got it all wrong...
TEG: Uh oh. Here it comes.
NAB: I think it's great to have a strong Latina nominee but...
TEG: It should have been Salma?
NAB: Judge Marilyn Milian of The People's Court was the way to go!
TEG: AGREED! That's a hot bitch.
NAB: I could see Supreme Court judge Milian head-butting Scalia.
TEG: Millian would have them all on their knees! Although, I know I'm fixated and that she wasn't born here -- and she's not a judge and all but Salma could have mesmerized the conservatives with her magnificent "chi chi’s” as DListed calls them. Moving on though... Did you hit up the Prop 8 rallies? Who knew it would be such a good place to stargaze. In one week I got to feel like a short troll around Charlize, Michelle Clunie, Emmy Rossum, Sophia Bush, Drew Barrymore and so on. Thank God Perez was there -- even at 1/3 his size -- to make me feel normal.
NAB: The WeHo one, yes. I interviewed Gloria Allred--she was great. And had on more makeup than Christina Aguilera after a makeover at Sephora.
TEG: Who did? You or Gloria?
NAB: My CoverGirl concealer only comes out after a long night with my box of Franzia. Speaking of CG, do you like Ellen's commercials?
TEG: Cover girl concealer and some old lady rouge to get some color back into your cheeks. Hmmmm. I think so? I can't remember the last time I saw one. I love Ellen.... Her gentle humor laced with jokes about being a drunk. It's right up my alley.
NAB: What, you think it should have been Chastity, right?
TEG: Oh Jesus. Chastity. I don't know where to begin. Talk about rebelling against your parents though. Cher put her in a lamay jumpsuit at age three and Chas is still getting her back with the uber-dyke look.
NAB: If Chastity was a Bonne Belle Lipsmacker, what flavor would she be?
TEG: Oh, Chas would be Valvoline Express Lipsmacker.
NAB: I say Old Spice and Freedent.
TEG: That's pretty spot-on. I agree.
NAB: OK, what flavor would Portia be?
TEG: Hmmmm. I think she'd be Margarita and Unagi flavored, so Ellen would be all over that.
NAB: I say, newly printed money and Snuggle.
TEG: I LOVE IT! Okay one more... Lily Tomlin.
NAB: A lifetime of regret and Vanilla Fields. Your turn, what flavor Bonne Belle lipsmacker would Gertrude Stein be?
TEG: Absinthe and printing press.
NAB: No, no, that's Eleanor Roosevelt.
TEG: Okay, Willa Cather?
NAB: Boll weevil and restraining order.
TEG: Kay one more, because you're good at these. Emily Bronte.
NAB: English moss and hairshirt.
TEG: Hahahaha. We're killing us. Okay. Let's get current.
NAB: What? All the kids are talking about Bronte and Cather?
TEG: The cool kids are. Did you see that Pink bitched out Kanye West for being a fur lover? I thought she was the fur lover...on the DL of course.
NAB: Too easy. Not to be gross, but don't you think Pink lets out a noise in bed that can only be heard by French bulldogs?
TEG: How can that not be gross? I'm guessing she's a hot top though. That Carey Hart is a lucky girl.
NAB: Her name is a euphemism for vagina. 'Muff said.
TEG: Where'd you go you lazy bitch? You sit around on DListed all day and you're too busy to talk to me. Do I have to replace you already? Here's something that will wake you up. BLASPHEMY! They are making a Heathers sequel.
NAB: I'm only editing this damn Advocate magazine...
TEG: Oh please.
NAB: CORN NUTS!
TEG: That comes out once a month. I post 6 to 8 new pieces a day. Yes and corn nuts to that. Are they going to pry Winona Ryder with a spree at Barney's and a fist full of Percosets?
NAB: If they’re going to remake a Shannen Doherty movie, it should be Girls Just Want to Have Fun.
TEG: I missed that one. I was likely skipping school and making out with girls behind the bleachers.
NAB: Or Category 7: The End of the World which she made for our parent company... I think she was nominated for a Golden Globe for that one??
TEG: Good one. Or a How to Kill a Career with One Film award.
NAB: Who's crazier? Shannen or Winona?
TEG: I think Wino is the nuttier one. Shannen's just a priveleged bitch. But Winona's bona fide bat-shit. But in a nice way.
NAB: Who's swallowed more dolls?
TEG: Oh Lord. I don't know. I'm gonna say Wino. Wasn't she pinched for downers when she had her klepto episode. Kay... I'll let you go, I realize your masculinity is drawing all the men in the office to your desk.
NAB: So, what's my Bonne Bell flavor?
TEG: Hmmm. Nina Ricci and desperation.
NAB: Yours is Popov, Sun-in, and a dash of tilapia.
TEG: Fuck you. I would not be a well vodka. I'm at least a Stoli or a Kettle One. And I gave you a compliment by saying Nina Ricci. You're pure Jean Nate body splash for sure!
NAB: Bye, I have to apply my Love's Baby Soft.
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Main photo credit: Andrea Cavallo, ZenGirlMedia
