When a fun-loving pair of gossipy homos gets together, nobody is safe. Sure, instant message. But during those down times in the gay media business, what else is there to do but eviscerate the glitterati?
SheWired.com Senior Editor Tracy E. Gilchrist's standard gay, Ross von Metzke, thinks he's too good to b.s. with her. This weekAdvocateEditor Neal Ann Broverman (that's his name for this column at least) prove that lesbians and gay men do get along... especially when they're getting bitchy over the latest dirt in Hollywood.
Hold on to your hats. It's going to be a bumpy ride. Tracy and Neal kick it off with that most Googled gal Carrie Prejean, who will remain Miss California thanks to pervy Donald Trump. Up next it's Gwyneth Paltrow, Winona Ryder and Cate Blanchett for an Oscar fight. Star Trek makes Neal swoon but Tracy just goes for Zoe Saldana. The only Idol, Kelly Clarkson, packs on the pounds but she's still hot. Tyra loves her gays...and no Gossip Girl and Her Gay would be complete without a shout-out to Kirstie Alley!
TEG: Hey Neal, Do you feel big enough to fill Ross's shoes? That bitch left me cold and in the dust because he thinks he's a serious reporter.
NAB: Well, considering he routinely calls me a midget, I'll say no, but yes, I'm excited to lend my witty repartee to SheWired. Your site could use a shot of testosterone, or in my case a warmed-over shot of estrogen with peach fuzz.
TEG: Well, and I daresay you've more testosterone than my former sparring partner.
Tracy and Neal Working Hard at a SheWired Party
NAB: Enough of about my predecessor--did Tiffani Thiessen talk about Shannen Doherty?
TEG: I'm excited to have you. Although I'm a little bloated from the first full meal I've had since my mom arrived on Thursday. I've been sneaking crumbs of bread when she wasn't looking.
NAB: Well, we're both from New England, so we both know what it's like to have disapproving mothers who think we're too fat and on the fast track to kitty-town.
TEG: Kittytown? What's that? Is that what Kirstie Alley calls her mini manse?
NAB: No, that's Julie Newmar's estate in Northridge.
TEG: Oooh, I love it.
NAB: Was that your way of bringing that moose into our conversation? I refuse to talk about Kirstie Alley; the world is changing and yet the Advocate offices are filled with chatter re: the star of Veronica's Closet.
TEG: I love that moose. She inspires me to eat Kung Pao Pork and Krispy Kreme and not give a fuck! Since I've been on mom alert, what's going on in the world?
NAB: Dare we dive into the waters of Miss Carrie Prejean?
TEG: I'm sure everyone has dove into those waters. Christian my ass.
NAB: Good Christian girls don't wear pink booty shorts.
TEG: Yes they do.
NAB: You've clearly "met" a few.
TEG: Good Christian girl is aka for “handjobs till marriage.” I don't know about Evangelicals but the Catholic girls are the best!
NAB: The lesbian version is "I only do nipple-play"
TEG: Exactly.
NAB: So do you think Prejean had to offer a hand party to Trump?
TEG: I want to send that follicle-challenged dumbass Trump to an Island with Ann Coulter and Fred Phelps where they only platform they have are each other.
NAB: Do you think Trump removes that dead animal on his head before he performs his missionary style magic??
TEG: Missionary style magic. Maybe that's why he and Sister Carrie Prejean are so tight.
NAB: Something tells me she's not. She's "wide open" to all possibilities. It's what Jesus would want.
TEG: Oh… Poor girl. She's just a victim and we're implying she's a loose woman.
NAB: She's hateful.
TEG: Yes she is darling.
NAB: I feel no shame; she's no friend to women or gays.
TEG: And if you ask me, she's not even that hot. Maybe after my sixth martini at the Abbey...
NAB: Well, she could play Barbie at the American Doll Store.
TEG: I love holding hands with my GF in the American Girl Doll store. Totally freaks out the parents. Anyhoo...
NAB: Oh, I like combing their hair. Is that subversive?
TEG: Of course you like combing their hair. You're a homo. I used to put on my Planet of the Apes T-shirt and climb trees.
NAB: They do look at me strange when I bring in my Conair.
TEG: I love it. And your John Freida products.
NAB: It's NeXus, ho.
TEG: Kay bitch. I could't tell from your blonde flop.
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NAB: My weave is private business.
TEG: Yeah but it ain't a bullet-proof weave!
NAB: Would SheWired readers like us to discuss Star Trek? I'm having a sexual awakening thanks to Chris Pine.
TEG: I suppose. I mean Uhura's hot but I lose lez points for being a Sci-fi hater.
NAB: There's a green slut in the movie that looks like she's "dived" into exotic waters before.
TEG: He was kind of hot in Bottle Shock --with his long, hippy hair. He loooked like a feminine Jessica Biel. A green slut. That's me on Sunday morning after a couple of tequila shooters and a strange girl in my bed.
NAB: Sunday? Girl, please. I'm very gay though; I didn't care much for the film...
TEG: Did Winona play a pill-popping Klepto Vulcan? She doesn't have much of a range.
NAB: Oh my, I do remember that. Let's discuss that Winona and the veiled reference to her on Goop; you know "Fishsticks" blog...
TEG: Right. Michael K. calls Gwyneth "Fishsticks" because she's so fucking bland. What veiled reference? Did they pop lithium together and knock off a Barneys?
NAB: Well, apparently Gwyneth was writing about a "frenemy" who really tore her down behind her back, and then something "bad" happened to the frenemy and how Fishsticks was happy about it, but shouldn't have been. I.e. My enemy Winona was busted for sticky fingers and I loved it.
TEG: Are you sure it was the original Wino?
NAB: That's what my insiders tell me; but y'all know the urban legend about those two right?
TEG: Maybe it was Oscar winner Cate Blanchett who was like I earned the fucking Osscar that year bitch!
NAB: No, no one speaks ill of Cate! Take it back!
TEG: Oh no, I meant that in the best sense. I heart Blanchett. Not as much as I heart Winslet....
NAB: Don't you want to hear my fishsticks story?!?!
TEG: I know you couldn't wait for a Winslet reference. Oh sorry. Yes.. You must keep my hormones in check.
NAB: And no, they're not friends of Latifah Apparently, those two were roomies way back in the day. And the script for Shakespeare in Love was messengered to the house--to Wino, but Wino wasn't home, but Fishsticks WAS... one Best Actress Oscar later...
TEG: You're fucking kidding me?
NAB: Oh YES, this was back in the "I'm fucking Ben Affleck, you're fucking Matt Damon" days. Hollywood's a rough place, honey.
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TEG: Winona "no pulse" Ryder, who fucking ruined Dracula -- well, along with Keanu-- was supposed to go toe to toe with Dame Dench?
NAB: EXCUSE ME!
TEG: I don't belive it. Or maybe I do.
NAB: Have you heard of a little movie called HEATHERS??
TEG: What nerve did I hit? You have so many.
NAB: Don't make me bring Shannen Doherty back into the conversation!
TEG:Heathers was her piece de resistance and then she went completely downhill. By Reality Bites she was being upstaged by supporting characters.
NAB: Yeah, How to Make an American Quilt, I'd rather watch my nana crochet a sweater in hell. Remember Janeane Garafalo in RB?? What's her story??
TEG: Janeane? Raging liberal. Funny as hell. Straight. Loved her in Clay Pigeons.
NAB: Why do we never hear of men?
TEG: Because she's a raging Lesbo...I don't know. I get the sense she's a lesbianish straight broad.
NAB: I think she's enjoyed the company of ladies... one whiff of Ethan Hawke is enough to send anyone over to the other side
TEG: Tell me about it. God, it looks like there's a biological experiment going on beyond his rotting teeth. And he cheated on Uma! When is she going to hop the fence? I can only watch Henry and June in slo-mo so many times.
NAB: She is amazing. Can a straight woman have such big feet?
TEG: Big feet, big hands! Girls love a girl with big hands!
NAB: OK, I need to talk about my girly obsession, two words: Charlotte Rampling
TEG: Oh Lord you are a fag. I love her though. Under the Sand...
NAB: Just saw it last night.
TEG: Swimming Pool. What do you love so much about her?
NAB: Well, when I'm in mid-50s (under the sand age), I plan to live in Paris, wear my hair in updos, and have French men chase me around the Mirais.
TEG: I think you're hoping to e a bored Parisian housewife with Story of O fantasies, who doubles as hooker in the afternoon ala Catherine Deneuve in Belle de Jour.
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NAB: Yes, my life will probably turn out more like Madame Bovary.
TEG: Poor Madame Bovary and poor you. But enough about you. Can we talk about my girl Kelly Clarkson? Is she eating her pain from being single? Does she need me?
NAB: Is she really an object of desire?
TEG: Kelly?
NAB: Pity, yes. Desire, no.
TEG: Awww. No pity. I know you have a thing about weight since you have mommy issues but really, she's kind of sexy.
NAB: Sexy, in that "you could kick ass on a beer bong" kind of way?
TEG: Well, she does look like the type of girl who could do a couple of Upside-Down Margaritas, belch like a trooper, flip me over her shoulder and carry me off into the trailer. That's kind of hot.
NAB: That does sound refreshing (as I clutch my pearls). I want to talk about someone who's actually a lesbian...
TEG: Priss. Okay go. Lindsay Lohan? Latifah?
NAB: Keep going...
TEG: Foster? Oprah? Ellen?
NAB: Um, Oprah is not gay! But keep going...
TEG: Gayle? M-Rod?
NAB: No! Fine, I'll tell you.
TEG: Oh Jesus. Are you talking about me?
NAB: That spitfire Lily Tomlin!
TEG: Oh yeah!
NAB: She might get her own spinoff show on ABC.
TEG: Just saw she might get her own show.
NAB: You know she's on that Desperate Housewives mess.
TEG: Those bitches bore me. Not Lily.
NAB: I need to watch that video again of her having a COMPLETE, UTTER meltdown.
TEG: Longoria...Hatcher. blah, blah. They bore me nearly as much as Grey's Anatomy.
NAB: Ditto.
TEG: Lily telling that testosterone-laden semi-brilliant fucker David O' Russell to fuck off? Pure gold.
NAB: It was amazing, do you think she spoke to Jane Fonda like that?
TEG: I hope she did and I hope she and Jane went mano y mano in the coffee clatch. Dolly played ref of course. She hypnotized them with her cup size.
NAB: Jane's up for a Tony, you know?
TEG: I know. Good for Jane. From Threeways with who was it?
NAB: Tony Vadim.
TEG: Roger?
NAB: Close...
TEG: Good lord. Are we drunk?
NAB: Her son's a mo, too. Oh wait, no he's not!
TEG: All the best ladies have gay kids.
NAB: He was in Soldier's Girl, playing gay... but he's quite delish. Jane was sexy in a shag in Klute.
TEG: I thought you were Soldier's Girl.
NAB: Well, I have been kind to our boys...
TEG: Yes dear.
NAB: They need lots of love.
TEG: Kay... So let's talk Tyra and then I gotta go. What's with Tyra?
NAB: What a way to close a conversation, with America's preeminent thinker.
TEG: Well, first, I must say agree with Wanda Sykes. I don't want to see Obama's nipples.
NAB: Smile with the eyes, and speak out your ass.
TEG: Not Barack's anyway.
NAB: Oooh, not necessarily, but I'd want our POTUS on me the power, the power!
TEG: POTUS? Is that an acronym for one of your filthy acts you later have to confess?
NAB: This isn't Ross, President of the United States, madame.
TEG: I am so low-rent. Anyway, What's up with Tyra's obession with gays? Does she really love us or are we the only ones that can fix her weave?
NAB: Hey, try filling content on a daily basis, oh wait you do! The gays are good fodder, as you know.
TEG: I suppose. I want to go on Tyra. Wannabe Cougars.
NAB: Well, it's better than our past representation on daytime TV...
TEG: Do you mean that transgendered character on All My Children who nearly got with Bianca? Or did they? I can't recall.
NAB: No, more like "My wife left me for my sister!" Um, the Richard Bey Show?
TEG: Oh yes. That bloated jack-ass. Thanks Alright. I gotta run.
NAB: Alright, folks, Wikipedia it! Talk soon.
TEG: Yes darling. Thanks for letting me pop your cherry.
NAB: Gross and of course, your welcome.
Miss the last Gossip Girl and Her Gay? Read it here!
