Gossip Girl and Her Gay: Aretha, Kate Winslet, Pink

When a fun-loving pair of gossipy homos gets together, nobody is safe. Sure, instant messaging is a wonderful tool for workplace communication and for late-night, ahem, romantic dalliances. But during those down times in the gay media business, what else is there to do but eviscerate the glitterati?

SheWired.comSenior Editor Tracy E. Gilchrist and Advocate.comEditor-in-Chief Ross von Metzke prove that lesbians and gay men do get along... especially when they're getting bitchy over the latest dirt in Hollywood.

This week Ross and Tracy take on Aretha Franklin's Inauguration chapeau, Kate Winslet and the Revolutionary Road snub and Pink's hot ass in her new video --which has since been removed from youtube (whoops). And of course this uber-gay pop culture saturated pair can't stay away from devolving into camp hell with Cher, Meryl Streep and Glenn Close references. Plus there's the usual, sniping, dirty talk and generally bad behavior.

TEG:Okay, so, it would be remiss of us not to begin with the Inauguration.  I must admit, while Obama has never blown me out of the water like he has most of the country, it is a relief to be GW free.

RvM:Yeah, I always liked Obama a bit more than you, but I think that’s because I’m not a bra burning, women's lib thumper. Between your feelings for Obama and Revolutionary Road getting the royal Oscar shaft, it’s a wonder you aren’t elbow deep in a vat of pinot.

TEG:Oh please, if he can turn this fucking economy in the right direction, I'll -- well, since I'm a lady I can't be filthy about our Prez, but as gay boy, you can imagine. How's that for women's lib?

TEG:And I can't afford to burn my bras bitch!  I'd have severe damage.

RvM:YEAH, I know you have a potty mouth when you want to. And about those bras-- you lose much more in the bust dept, they ain’t gonna do you much good. You are slim thanks to Shawnee.

RvM:About as much use as xmas stockings

TEG:Awwww. I'm getting there but you're right. That Revolutionary Road snub had me thumbing a box of wine -- you know I'm cutting back these days… On money, not wine.

RvM:ah, yes. Tracy now goes to the 99-cent store for that Paris Hilton crap in a can.

TEG:Like Kathy Griffin's mother.

TEG:Well, it's helping me attract younger women.   They love that shit.

RvM:I’m sure. They also love it when you talk about the good ole days of Tracy Chapman, Mount Holyoke and Silkwood screenings in the quad. It’s their connection to days gone by…

TEG:Fuck off. Plain and simple. I'm like a living history exhibition. And I don't look a day over thirty---something.

RvM:No you don’t.  Your skin is tight, taut and enviable, unlike most of the p***y in this here town called tinsel.

TEG:Stop talking like such a pig you pervy homo.  The ladies don't appreciate you talking about their privates in such terms.

RvM:I wasn’t talking about the ladies.  I live in WeHo.

TEG:Oh the boys in Weho. I get it.

RvM:Those whores would do anything just to get on Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency.

TEG:No kidding. I'm surprised that shit doesn't fall off like the time Joey asked Monica to fashion him foreskin for an audition in which the character was uncircumcised.

RvM:Do you have anything productive to talk about? I just took a Tylenol PM and I’m thinking of slipping back into my bunny slippers for a few.

TEG:Yes I do... first up, back to the Inauguration. Aretha...discuss.

RvM:And Re-Re's hat.  It’s hard for me to comment.  I have nothing nice to sayever since she got mad at Beyoncefor calling Tina Turner the queen, I’ve felt Aretha should retire gracefully somewhere in the Midwest and leave us the fuck alone.

TEG:Poor Aretha. The knock-offs have been hilarious though. From Ellen to Mariah Carey. Actually, Mariah might have gotten her Aretha hat from Ellen.

RvM: Something tells me Mariah's photoshopped… Although I do think Ellen would mail her one.

RvM:They have an "intimate friendship".

TEG:Yeah. That Ell gets in good with all the girls.  Did you see the newscaster who said that the Obama’s are in love and affectionate with each other. They love hugging, kissing, "fisting."

RvM:yeah, that was a bit T.M.I. I don’t think the Lincoln bedroom has seen that much info since Patty Reagan.

TEG:Or Ron Reagan Jr.

RvM:I almost said Patty Dukeand then, I thought Patty Hearst... none of those seemed right.

TEG:My money is on Patty Hearst for freakiest of the Patty’s.

RvM:Yeah, nobody wants to walk in on Tania and her gun getting polished off.

TEG:Anyone who's kidnapped by the PLO and then becomes a John Waters' muse has got to be freaky.

TEG:Who the hell is Tania?

RvM:I think that's her alter ego. Like, Patty showed up to work on Serial Mom, but Tania robbed the B of A in our office building last Tuesday.

TEG:I know! I can't believe my bank was robbed. I hope they enjoy the neg-$35 they got from me.

RvM:Can you imagine?  Are you with WaMu?

TEG:No, B of A!

RvM:Ah... yeah, most people at B of A have a positive balance.

TEG:I could bail them out with the fucking fees they continually slap me with.

RvM:people at WaMu are lucky if they have that $25 auto transfer they make you do every week into your savings.

TEG:Oohh! I'm switching.

RvM:Seriously, I tried to cash a $1700 check there once, and they said for that amount I need to call ahead. I took a look around and realized I essentially bank with the homeless.

TEG:Awww, homeless or just poser rich kid students? Anyway... Pink's new video is HAWT!

RvM:Yeah, any time Pink lights someone on fire or knocks ‘em down the stairs, I’m reminded of exactly why I like that bitch.  Seriously. She's someone you do not wanna run into at a Pink Dot at 2:00 AM.

TEG:Or if you're me... you do want to run into her at Pink Dot at 2:00 AM.  Pink in a circus/burlesque corset beating the crap out of some busted dude who tried to leave her. It's priceless.

RvM:Yeah, I know you have a thing for girls in fetish wear... but alas; she just took her husband back.

more on next page...

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(continued)

TEG:Sad day in LesboVille. I thought there was a glimmer of hope when I saw her at a Prop. 8 rally hanging with some Sam Ronson look-alike.

RvM:That was her husband.

RvM:Sam Ro is ruff, seriously.

TEG:Corey Hart? Sporting sunglasses and singing eighties pop tunes?

RvM:  I’m all for andro lesbians but I saw her once at a a chevron and had to call my therapist

TEG:Sam Ro? You never told me that.

RvM:It was in Anaheim.... even more confusing. On my way to ride the magic tea cups and here comes this bitch in skinny jeans, a bowler hat, sun glasses and carrying a red bull.

TEG:I'd need to call a nuclear power plant to slate a Silkwood shower.

RvM:…which I finally figured out! I’d never seen that movie before. Somehow I thought you were talking about peeing all this time, and so I avoided it solely because if I ever saw Cher pee on Meryl Streep, I’d be done for life.

TEG:Oh Lord, now I love the two of them- but that's just nasty. That is no way to talk about Dolly Pelliker and Karen Silkwood.

RvM:I know.  And I was so confused, because every time we talk about something dirty, you bring up that shower.  Truth be told, it kinda made me see you in a filthy light…

RvM:Or, like you spend too much time in the stingray pool at Sea World.

TEG:Well, there are plenty of reasons to see me in a filthy light but not because of a Silkwood Shower.  Anyway, Oscar noms… What do you think?

RvM:Well, I think Revolutionary Road got the shaft too, but I’m just hoping Angelina doesn’t win.  She's got a foul attitude lately.

RvM:I feel like we need Jenny Shimizu to ambush her on the red carpet; knock her back into alignment.

TEG:She seems a tad big for her britches or maybe she just has I.B.S.  That puts a frown on anyone's face.

RvM:We have now talked about pee, I.B.S. and people with loose hoohhas.  We’re gonna get fired.

TEG:Human Resources is coming over with SWAT gear!

RvM:And a tranq dart.

TEG: (1:06:39 PM): I'm predicting Anne Hathaway will win.  Since the old coots at the Academy kind of fucked the Winslet's chances.

RvM:Yeah, Anne has a good shot. I think it would be f’ing hilarious if Meryl won and gave her Oscar away

TEG:Hahah. And she might just give it Anne. That would send Angie charging to the podium with a shank made out of eyebrow pencil.

RvM:What the fuck kind of mantle does that woman have? Don’t they give trophies every time you win anything-- between Globes, Emmys, Oscar, the Sag, the Online Critics Association, best actress in a drama to attend the Telluride Film Festival, mommy of the year, that thing must have a leaf.

TEG:Who Meryl? She probably gives them away instead of candy on Halloween.

RvM:You know she used her Oscar for Sophie's Choice as a garden gnome.

TEG: And her Kramer vs. Kramer one as a doorstop.

RvM:Her globe for Adaptation probably went to Glenn Close with the note: "I’m sorry, just don’t boil my cat."

TEG:What was Glenn up for?  Dalmations?  Damages: the prequel?

RvM:Oh, who knows that year!  Probably Mary Reilly.

TEG:That was Julia Roberts with a bad accent dumbass.

RvM:Glenn was in it, too.  Uncredited.

TEG:But I'll admit, Julia in period drag is rough.

RvM:she had a string of those… Air Force One, remember that?

TEG:Harrison Ford right?  Glenn was the Condi/Hillary?

RvM:And Glenn kicking ass as the V.P. in a pin stripe suit from JC Penny.  The beginning of the bob.

TEG:Aww. I think I thought that was Joan Allen.  Oh well.

RvM: Nah, she was too busy shaking off Winona fucking Ryder in The Crucible. That Winona. Ooooof.

TEG:Oof is right.  Ghastly performance.

RvM:She makes my jockstrap itch.

TEG:And my bra...while I'm still wearing one. Anyway, I know you have to get to the dentist for your bi-weekly Novocain shot and laughing gas fix.

RvM:On that note, do you mind if I sign off? I mixed some lemon honey and Kettle One to see if I can’t feel better.

TEG:That sounds like a Karen Walker remedy. I love it.

RvM: Yeah, except my roomie can’t swim nowhere for olives, because she has croup and is locked in her room.

TEG:Ew.  Wear a HAZMAT suit home.

RvM:Amens.  Ok love, off toward home.  CYA!

TEG:Ciao boy!

Missed the last Gossip Girl and her Gay? Read it here.