At the close of last week’s ‘Born This Way’ – themed Glee episode it appeared that McKinley High’s stunning closet case Santana was inching closer to coming out as she embraced the label of “Lebanese.” Sure, wearing a tee that reads “Lebanese” isn’t quite the same as admitting to the school that one is a lesbian but Santana’s donning the shirt the apple eye of her eye Brittany made for her seemed like a step in that direction.
Cue this week’s Fleetwood Mac-themed episode, and despite all indications that Santana could indeed land the love of her life, she fumbles big time! But then it wouldn’t be May sweeps if everything followed a neat little narrative. So on to the Glee gay re-cap – the gay being in part because It’s being recapped by a big ole gay and also because we only really touch on the lesbian storyline.
Ep. 2:19, Rumours – SPOILERS
This episode kicks off with Brittany’s (Heather Morris) internet talk show “Fondue for Two,” which she says combines the two things she loves most -- “hot cheese and talking to people.”
In what appears to be an uncharacteristically mean-spirited move, Brittany outs Santana to her debut guests Mercedes (Amber Riley) and Tina (Jenna Ushkowitz), who are a tad hung up on the whole “hot cheese” portion of the show until Brittany throws her suitor Santana under the proverbial school bus.
“I heard a rumor that Santana plays for the other team,” Brittany spills. “And I can confirm that rumor. It’s 100-percent true.”
Brit’s dropped bomb pulls Mercedes away from focusing on the cultural merits of dipping bread in melted cheese for a moment to say, “Wait, what?”
“Brittany, are you serious?” Tina asks. Brittany answers in the affirmative before becoming distracted by her fat pussy—cat—Lord Tubbington.
Meanwhile Coach Sue Sylvester -- the ever-engaging Jane Lynch – has decided to revive the school’s newspaper the Muckraker as a tabloid, and enlists a few fearless reporters to engage in hurtful mendacity and a blatant disregard for facts –pretty much all journalism in the age of the internet -- which spells bad news for Santana’s ability to remain closeted, especially after Brittany’s admission to Mercedes and Tina.
Armed with the first new issue of the Muckraker, Rachel (Lea Michelle) points out the blind items section to Finn (Cory Monteith) in an attempt to push him toward distrusting Quinn (Diana Agron).
Finn begins to read the blind items… “What prom queen candidate is spending a lot of time in her closet?” he reads, not getting it. “That’s garbage. Quinn’s claustrophobic,” he says.
“No, that’s Santana, read the next one…” Rachel interrupts, clearly nonplussed at the notion that Santana may actually be into women as more than a boredom-reducing avocation.
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Finn runs screaming into the choir room about the blind item that suggests Quinn is meeting Sam (Chord Overstreet) in a cheap motel for some afternoon delight. But his protestations are drowned out by Santana raging into the room gripping a copy of the school’s rag mag. “THIS! Is your fault. You told everyone that I play for another team on your ridiculous melted cheese show,” Santana shouts at Brittany.
“Wait? Are you mad? You were on the Cheerios and now you’re only on the New Directions,” flakey Brittany says. I would point out that Brittany and Quinn also play for different teams by those standards but whose keeping track?
“You couldn’t have thought of any other way to say that?” Santana asks exasperatedly, before storming off.
Following the inter-Glee club rumor mongering and backstabbing Mr. Shue (Matthew Morrison and recurring alcoholism-prone pint-sized cutie with the big pipes April (Kristin Chenoweth) introduce the week’s assignment – to take on a song from Fleetwood Mac’s iconic album Rumours.
While Mr. Shue and April sing and make eyes at each other there are plenty of side-eyes flashing around the choir room, and Artie (Kevin McHale) doesn’t let the looks between Santana and Brittany go unchecked.
Next up, Artie wheels up to Brittany at the lockers – because it’s the number one rule of teen dramas that all important conversations must take place in the locker room, the lunch room or at the lockers – demanding to know, “What’s going on with you and Santana?”
“Nothing,” Brittany replies, and that’s true, although they have discussed their mutual love for one another before Brittany said she couldn’t act on any of it because she’s in a relationship with Artie.
“Are you cheating on me with her?” Artie asks.
“No, of course not,” Brit says. “I mean, I can’t, she’s a girl. Fooling around with her isn’t cheating. It’s just friends talking with their tongues super close…”
Brit admits that Santana is the one who gave her that piece of advice when Artie says, “Don’t you see that she’s manipulating you?”
“That’s not cheating either. She told me that,” Brittany responds, and now I’m wondering just what “manipulating” is in Santana and Brittany’s world.
But Artie won’t be assuaged by Brittany’s insistence that she’s not cheating. He explains that he’s basically a tech nerd with a bow-ish haircut who happened to have nabbed the hottest girl in the school.
“If I know that you spend even a little time sharing yourself with someone else, that there’s one other person in your life that can provide for you things that I’m supposed to provide, it’s too much for me to take. And Santana knows that. She’s taking advantage of it to break us up,” Artie says.
“Everybody thinks she’s a bad person but she’s not,” Brittany says.
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And here’s where it gets ugly… “God Brittany, why are you so stupid?” Artie says, prompting Brittany to cry.
“You were the only person at this school that never called me that,” she says, walking away. I mean, Santana calls her stupid all the time but I guess it’s different coming from Artie.
In the world of Glee it’s a great time to cue up a song, so Artie busts into Lindsay Buckingham’s “Never Going Back Again,” complete with Puck, Finn, Sam and several other of the Glee boys accompanying him on guitar. During the musical interlude he spies Brittany and Santana with their arms around each other in the hallway as Santana ostensibly comforts Brittany over the fight with Artie.
Later Brittany and Santana are lounging on the choir room piano when Brit says, “I’m so sad. A sad little panda.”
“Well that’s why I brought you here… To cheer you up,” Santana says, clasping Brit’s hand. “I’ve been going through that Rumours album and I found the best song that really goes one step past ‘Landslide’ in expressing my feelings for you…my private feelings…” Santana says, before signaling to the ever-present pianist.
McKinley High’s resident not-ready-to-deal-with-it lesbian launches into a heartfelt rendition of Christie McVie’s stunning “Songbird" singing, “I feel that when I’m with you it’s alright. I know it’s right. And the songbirds are singing like they know the score, and I love you, I love you, I love you like never before….” And there’s not a dry eye across America that wants these two to end up “scissoring” in their Cheerios uniforms for all time.
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“Beautiful,” Brittany says, when Santana –choking back tears—finishes.
“Okay, so why couldn’t you sing that to me in front of everyone now that Artie and I aren’t together?” Brit asks.
“Not yet, I’m not ready for that type of public announcement,” Santana says. “Ever since that Muckraker thing people have already started treated me differently. I got asked to join the golf team,” she says. But that gets me thinking about lesbians and golf and I totally hope Naya Rivera turns up at the Dinah next year!
Brittany, who is often dumb like a fox, offers to go first. She says she’ll invite Santana to appear on “Fondue for Two” and she’ll ask her out to prom. “All you have to do is say yes,” Brittany says. As a side note, Brittany is totally poised to have the school’s hottest rebound should Santana accept.
“Okay,” Santana responds before they get their lady hug on.
Later, Brittany’s on the set of “Fondue for Two” but Santana’s seat is empty. It appears she has ripped off the “Lebanese” tee and is set to sport closeted gay jock / rehabilitated bully Karofsky’s letterman jacket.
“My guest today was supposed to be Santana but she texted about an hour ago and it just said, ‘I can’t.’ So, the show must go on,” Brittany says, running with it and featuring Lord Tubbington as her guest.
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The next time we see Santana she’s hustling down the stairs with uber nerd / Muckraker reporter Jacob Ben Israel at her side performing an impromptu interview.
“Any comment on the vicious rumor left on the Muckraker website about you and Karofsky doing it in the backseat of a parked car in the Holier than Thou cemetery?” he asks.
“No comment,” Santana says, as if she were a seasoned celebuslut.
“Any comment on the fact when I looked up the IP address of the person who posted the rumor I found out it was you,” Jacob says, smugly. Let this be a cautionary tale that posting comments one does not want traced is a slippery slope, so like in The Four Agreements always “be impeccable with your word.”
“My computer was stolen,” Santana says, with Brittany looking on in the background – from her locker of course!
“All I can say is that Dave and I are going strong and we’re very excited about our prom king and queen campaign. Vote Santofsky,” she says.
“So you two are in love? Soul mates so to speak?” Jacob taunts.
Glancing over at a clearly gutted Brittany, Santana shoves the dagger in deeper and says, “Yeah, I’d say that was accurate.”
GAH! What in the GD hell is going on with Santana? All she wanted was Brittany, and now that she has the chance to be with her she just slithers back into a Converse shoebox in the closet. I’m guessing she’s afraid to get Brittany by default since Artie had his meltdown and it wasn’t exactly Brit’s choice to leave him, but still…
Here’s hoping prom turns out to be a revelation of lesbian coming out and pride with Brit and Santana leaving their dates, declaring their unwavering love for one another and embracing in a slow dance to Kelly Clarkson’s “Because of You.” That’s how Glee’s prom is panning out in my pop culture soaked brain anyway…
