It’s been nearly two months since Glee’s self-confessed bitch Santana let down her guard and professed her love and lesbianism to Brittany. But once Brittany rejected Santana’s advances -- only because of her relationship with Artie -- Santana crawled back in to the closet singing pseudo torch songs to faux boyfriend, Trouty Mouth Sam.
Last week McKinley High’s resident closeted lesbian put on her best butch and came to Kurt and Blaine’s defense against bully Dave Karofsky, but even then she failed to reveal her Sapphic leanings.
But this week on Glee’s 90-minute super-sized, Gaga-inspired episode Santana -- with a little inspiration from her true love Brittany -- edged out of the closet. So let’s get right down to just how Santana revealed she’s “Lebanese.”
Glee ep. 2:18, Born This Way – SPOILER ALERT
Glee’s second gone-Gaga episode opens with the New Directions members honing their less-than exemplar dance skills – that is until two-left-footed Finn crashes into Rachel causing her to fall and break her nose. Who knew a broken nose would become the catalyst for a feature-film length episode about acceptance culminating in a “Born this Way” tribute? Well, creator Ryan Murphy must have known because that’s exactly what happened.
Following an eye-opening trip to an asshole of a plastic surgeon who convinces Rachel that although her broken nose will heal without surgery, she should get a nose job so that she can look more like the boring masses of boringly perfect girls. Rachel’s not buying it until said Doc also convinces her the operation could improve her breath control when singing – contrary to the urban legend that Barbra Streisand never got a nose job because it could alter her singing voice.
Upon decididing to opt for the operation Rachel announces it to the New Directions, spurring an at-this-point fairly deeply closeted Santana to go on a C-word worthy diatribe about everyone’s faults. Holding nothing back Santana rips into Rachel’s “beak,” Finn’s “pyramid shaped nipples,” Sam’s “Trouty Mouth,” Artie’s legs and Tina’s eyes – all in an attempt to deflect attention away from what she perceives to be her own shortcoming – being gay and rejected by girl of her dreams.
Next up, Santana’s – clad in a fur hat and vest ensemble that is very lesbian Dr. Zhivago btw… - in the hallway drawing a mustache on Quinn and boobs on Finn on the super-couple’s bid for prom king and queen poster when she begins to fantasize about how she could get Brittany to leave Artie for her.
“I should be prom queen at this school. If I could be prom queen I could get Brittany to drop the four-eyed loser and go for the real queen,” Santana thinks. “She’s so gullible I could convince her by royal decree I’d made her being with me the law of the land,” Santana continues longingly while staring at a tender moment between her true love and Artie in the hallway.
But then Santana hatches a plan. “That’s never gonna happen. I don’t have the votes. Unless… I could get the jock block,” she thinks, as Sam walks by quoting Sean Connery in Red October. She considers Sam for a moment but realizes he doesn’t have the pull some other jock might. Just then Kurt’s oppressor Dave Karofsky walks by, and she decides he’s the guy who can help her land the Prom Queen title. And if it weren’t enough of a coup that Dave’s a jock, Santana catches uber closeted Karofsky checking out Sam’s ass.
Upon spotting Karofsky’s wandering eye to Sam’s posterior Santana thinks, “Holy crap! I’m a closet lesbian and a judgmental bitch, which means one thing! I have awesome gaydar.” And with a smirk from Santana we just know there’ll be some blackmailing and manipulation coming down the pike.
Later, at lunch with Mercedes, Tina, Kurt and Blaine, Santana realizes that getting Kurt to return to McKinley is the way she’ll land the popular prom queen vote.
“That’s it! Kurt’s the key to winning prom queen and getting Brit,” Santana thinks. “If I could get Kurt back I’d be a hero. Even Quinn and Finn would vote for me. And the key…Karofsky!”
“I’ve gotta gay,” Santana says standing up and stammering. “Gotta go...” And clearly Santana has gay on the brain – as do we viewers who’ve been waiting patiently to see how her story plays out!
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Back in the choir room Mr. Shue (the ubiquitous Matthew Morrison) announces the two-part assignment to get to the bottom of self-acceptance. New Directions is tasked with performing Gaga’s ode to all things queer “Born This Way” -- an assignment that makes them particularly giddy – and designing a t-shirt with the word that best describes what they don’t like in themselves.
“Love those parts of you, embrace them, wear them on your chest with pride,” Mr. Shue says.
Next up comes the big moment when Santana confronts Karofsky. But before she gets to explaining her plan he says, “I knew you’d ask me out eventually…”
“Oh give it up. I know,” Santana says, not playing. A befuddled Karofsky inquires about what she knows.
“That your gay!” she says, none too surreptitiously.
“Who told you that?’ he asks, playing dumb.
“No one had to tell me,” she says. “First of all, I saw you checking out Sam’s ass the other day. You know, you really need to be more careful with your leering.”
“I didn’t. I was just seeing what jeans he was wearing,” Karofsky says in a lame attempt to thwart suspicion.
“Like that’s any less gay,” Santana retorts. “Second of all, I know about you and Kurt…” Santana says, ostensibly throwing down a gauntlet and telling Karofsky that the truth about him is out. Like any good bully Karofsky gets pissed and threatens to kick Kurt’s ass but Santana has a little story to tell him.
“Why don’t you just settle down and let Auntie Tana tell you a little story,” she says, like a cynical but wise old lesbian sage. “You’re what we call a late in life gay. You’re going to stay in the closet, get married, get drunk to have relations with your wife, have a couple of kids, maybe become a state senator or a deacon and then get caught in the men’s room tapping your foot with some page. And I accept that about you.”
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A shaken Karofsky asks Santana why she’s essentially calling him to the carpet. “I need you. And you need me. We play on the same team,” Santana says, flashing a glimpse of vulnerability. “Look, I’m not ready to start eating jicama or get a flat top either – maybe in junior college…”
Ignoring Karofsky’s protestations that he’s not gay Santana proceeds to give him a lesson on “beards” before explaining that they’ll be each other’s beards all the way to winning prom king and queen.
“What if I say no?” Karofsky asks.
“Then I’m going to tell everyone about you and your life will be over,” Santana says bluntly. “The only straight I am is straight up bitch.” Now, while I love that at least on some level Santana is copping to her love of the ladies, it’s too bad she’s also being a raging bitch, but then, she does love that about herself.
It seems that Karofsky has accepted Santana’s bearding deal because next up he’s making amends to the entire glee club. In an address to New Directions he delivers a moving speech about feeling sorry for the hell he put Kurt through while also saying that Santana has helped him to see the light – so to speak – about bullying.
A dubious Quinn asks “Santana?” As if to say, “the Santana who earlier pointed out all of our flaws in the most heartless, cold way possible?”
But Santana has it all figured out. “The glee club is not complete, not without Kurt. So I’ve taken it upon myself to try to rehabilitate Dave…” she says, looping her arm in his.
“To see if maybe Kurt would consider coming back and help us win nationals. I did this for us and then something funny happened… Something called love..” she continues, much to the chagrin of the New Directions’ members who are basically disgusted by the coupling.
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If that weren’t enough to comprehend, the newly bearded couple then announces they will be spearheading an anti-bullying school watchdog program replete with berets and shiny red jackets.
And Santana proves to be very resourceful little lesbian as her plan spawns ripple of positive happenings including Kurt and Karofsky arriving at an understanding, Kurt blowing the doors off the auditorium while channeling Glen Close with the big showstopper from Sunset Boulevard and then saving Rachel’s nose with a flash mob dance number glorifying Rachel’s idol Barbra Streisand. So all-in-all Santana’s on track to win some prom queen votes. But does Brittany actually gave a damn about who the prom queen is?
With a scant eight minutes left in the episode Santana and Brittany share a few moments – at the lockers of course, because it's a rule of teen dramas that everything of importance occurs in the lunchroom, the locker room or at the lockers.
The adorably self-effacing and self aware Brittany strides up to Santana to ask what Santana thinks of her glee club shirt that reads, “I’m with Stoopid.”
“That’s perfect,” Santana says with a smile and a nod. “Check out mine,” she says, opening her jacket to reveal a shirt that reads, “bitch.”
A disappointed Brittany gives Santana the ‘something in the milk ain’t clean look,’ prompting Santana to ask what the problem is.
“Well, I made a different one for you,” Brittany says, holding up a shirt that reads, “Lebanese.” And with one fell swoop the Glee writers give a nod to Brittany’s ditzy-ness while alluding to Ellen DeGeneres’ joke from 1998 that her character Ellen Morgan was coming out as “Lebanese.”
Not really catching on at first Santana, with loads of attitude says, “I’m Hispanic.” Then, finally getting there, she says, “Wait, was that supposed to be lesbian?”
“Yeah, isn’t that what it says?” Brittany asks, turning the shirt around to double check.
And then Brittany opens up. “When you told me all that stuff the other week it meant so much to me… to see you be so honest, especially because I know how bad it hurt. I was so proud of you," she says.
With her guard fully up Santana retorts, “Well don’t get used to it. And certainly don’t think about telling anyone.”
“I’m dating Karofsky now,” she says. And Brittany, saying what everyone else is pretty much thinking says, “That’s gross.”
“You don’t get to say who I’m dating anymore,” Santana says.
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“Why not? Because your Lebanese and I think I’m bi-curious?” Brittany asks, with her blend of flaky and prophetic.
And just like that we get a rare glimpse into Santana’s psyche. “No, because I said I love you and you didn’t say you loved me back," Santana says.
“I do love you. Clearly you don’t love you as much as I do or you’d put that shirt on and you would dance with me!” Brittany says –and it’s kind of hot -- storming off.
Finally it’s the big “Born This Way” number with all of the New Directions kids in their self acceptance regalia – t-shirts with buzzwords and Converse!
The glee kids slowly reveal their t-shirts, which cleverly read, “Likes Boys” for Kurt, “No Weave” for Mercedes, “I’m with Stupid (with and arrow pointing at his crotch) for Puck, “Butt Chin” for Mr. Shue (although I was sure his would surely be about his hair) to name a few.
Just when it looked like Santana was a complete no-show to perform Gaga’s gay anthem the camera pans to the audience and Santana’s seated beside Karofsky but sporting her shirt that says “Lebanese,” in what appears to be her official coming out moment.
So next week we can either look forward to Santana’s full-on coming out party – here’s hoping for a viable love interest because Brittany is likely not leaving Artie any time soon—or, Santana will confess her love for Lebanese food and culture. It’s really anyone’s guess!
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