Cathy DeBuono's 'What's Your Problem?' Video: Livestream Tuesday: Now a Full Hour!

Watch Cathy DeBuono bring you her vlog What's Your Problem live on SheWired Friday night -- now an HOUR long -- starting at 7:00 PST. Streaming live, Cathy will address a lesbian woman married 12 years with 3 kids in a Christian Midwest community who is terrified to come out, and revisit Kat, the girl who was raped after coming out to friends and family.

Letter 1:

On the last episode of WYP spoke LIVE via Skype to "Kat" who was dealing with being raped right after coming out to her family & friends.

This is Kat's follow up letter. She may call in tonight for a follow up call...

Hi Cathy,

I wasn’t going to write to you as I wasn’t sure how to write it, and everything that I wrote looked stupid so I kept deleting it, but I emailed Charlie and she helped, she answered the questions that no one else could, and just told me to start typing and not to worry how it comes out, so this is my attempt.

Well after talking to you on WYP and doing a lot of thinking, I did go to the police, made my statement…. It felt good whilst I was there and safe, I felt some sort of inner strength that day. I felt like a totally different person, then the trouble happened with his friends, and that put doubt in my mind. Well in everything really. And I did do something that I shouldn’t have, but I couldn’t help myself, I was like some crazed bitch that wanted revenge (and still do), but I don’t know if I should regret it or not…..

For the next few days I struggled like hell, really wasn’t coping, but I thought if I could make it to my session then I would be fine. So I did, with the aid of drink, and painkillers for my hand (I know it was the wrong thing to do, but it felt like was the only thing I could control and I could just forget about everything). I went to my session, but it didn’t feel like it helped me much this week, maybe that was me shutting down from everything, blocking it out.

Thursday I was prepped by my lawyer for the court case Friday. I found it terrifying that I was actually doing it, I was actually going to put an end to the nightmare that I thought would never end. So I went Friday after having no sleep, and I saw him for the first time since it happened, and he just looked at me and gave me that evil smile, so I ran out the room and broke down, he made me physically sick…..

But I pulled myself together, tried to think of the conversation we had, and I have had with various other members of the crew. I tried to stay as calm as possible, whilst the judge was reading out what had happened, but I just broke down and all I could hear was him laughing, nothing else but his laugh. And that changed me. That’s when I turned and looked at him, and gave him the same look he gave me. I was then thinking of ways to get back at him.

I mean killing him sounded great, if I could of got to him, so that’s when I went after his friends, and now his girlfriend was the who was giving me all the crap and putting a brick through my car, I went after her…….. I didn’t care for me, I didn’t care that I had a broken arm. I was the crazed bitch and nothing was going to stop me, even me knowing it was wrong, and the outcome was she ended up in hospital… I got through the weekend by drinking again so I don’t remember much of it…

And then today I went to the shop and who did I see - his friends again, and they got me by the arm (my heart sank, I thought it was happening all over again) they told me if I didn’t drop the charges that they would make sure I get done over good and proper…. There was that evil look again. So I went straight home again, tried to forget about it…. Get ready for court and that would be it, but I got to the door and I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t walk myself out the door (I was scared, so again I broke down into tears).

I phoned my friend for help and she came and held my hand through the whole thing. He got life, which I should be happy about, but I’m not. I can’t be. I don’t know how to be….. Well thank you for all your help and advice, it really has helped me.

Thank you once again,

Kat.

Letter 2:

Cathy,

First I want to thank you for WYP and the issues you've addressed. I watched Episode 3 today and was literally in tears. I am in so much turmoil. So much pain. I have been hiding who I am for over 12 years and I don't know how to come out.

I've never been in a relationship with a woman, but I've been attracted to girls since elementary school. I know I'm a lesbian. I had a friend who came out in high school and she was so reviled. I was never popular and couldn't handle the thought of losing the small group of friends that I had (not to mention my family), so I pushed my own feelings down and hid who I was. Even though I dressed like a tomboy and looked butch, never had a boyfriend, etc... I never acted "gay" and no one ever questioned me.

My senior year of high school I slowly drifted away from the few friends that I had. When I started college my parents had also just moved out of state. I was emotionally vulnerable and extremely lonely. This led me to getting "saved" when I was 19. I became a born again, ultra conservative Christian. A totally different person. And it happened within a matter of 2-3 weeks. The church that I attended was extremely small. There were only two single men, and I became friends with one who was 10.5 years older than me.

He was the first and only person (outside of 2 gay friends and a school counselor) that I'd ever felt comfortable telling the truth. That ability to finally open up with someone made me emotionally vulnerable to him. And even though we are in a very conservative Christian faith, he became physically intimate with me. I had never had any kind of romantic or "physical" relationship with anyone before. And my emotional vulnerability, my hormones, and the ignorance of being a teen, all resulted in us getting married. It has not been good.

After we got married I quickly discovered that he is controlling and angry. At times emotionally abusive, and occasionally bordering on physically abusive. But our Christian faith has made me feel guilty about leaving him. And we now have 3 children. I haven't worked for over 8 years (since our first child was born). I am financially dependent on him and once again very vulnerable emotionally.

I have no friends outside of our church. No one I can talk to and be real with. We moved away from our families and so I'm isolated in that way also. I waver back and forth, trying to convince myself that I'm not gay. That maybe if I'd had a good marriage I could be happy with a man. But why should I have to "settle" for a man?

I've never allowed myself the freedom to really explore who I am. I've just pushed it all down and now it's literally tearing me apart. I'm so tired of feeling ashamed and having to hide my feelings, my identity. I have no one to talk to. I feel like I'm in a straight jacket, in prison. And it's made me depressed, angry and resentful. I've had the occasional thought of just running my car off the road and ending it all. But mostly I just want to run away and start all over. And that brings its own guilt because I love my children and don't want to abandon them. But I've got so many conflicting emotions I feel like a volcano getting ready to explode.

The majority of my turmoil centers around our Christian faith. If I divorce my husband and come out, I'll have to deal with him and all of our friends saying that I'm going to hell and that I'm going to send my children to hell. They might even try to take my children away from me.

Maybe if I had some gay friends I could handle that pressure. But I don't have anyone. And I don't want to be alone with all of these people hating me and trying to poison my children against me. How do you live in the midst of so much hate? I don't want to be hated, reviled.

I've always thought I was a strong person. Always gone my own way, done my own thing. But when it comes right down to it, I want to be loved and accepted. In episode 3 you gave the advice to "drop" the friends that couldn't accept and love you. But I can't just drop my family.

If I didn't have any children, I'd walk away in a heartbeat. I know I need to come out for my own mental sanity and physical health. I need to find friends that love me just the way that I am. But how do I meet gay women in a conservative midwest city? There isn't a lot of lesbian night life here. And I'm also afraid that I won't be accepted in the lesbian community because I've been married for 12 years and have 3 children.

I'm so confused and mixed up. I hate my life and the pressure is becoming unbearable. I've been trying to hold it all in until May when I finally graduate from college, but I don't know if I can keep it together for the next 3 months. Any advice you could offer would be deeply appreciated,

J.