No Side-Boobs or Nip-Slips Allowed At The Grammys

CBS wants to make sure that viewers don't get an accidental (or not-so-accidental) glimpse of any of the performers' uh, intimate parts.

We know what you're thinking: "Without the promise of network television-grade partial nudity at the Grammy Awards, how the hell am I supposed to get my rub on? With internet porn? My dial-up modem can't handle all of that!"

The network's Standards and Practices division sent a memo to the representatives of celebrities set to be shown on screen this Sunday at the Grammy Awards. The letter stipulates that the following body parts should be covered:

- buttocks
- "bare fleshy under curves of the buttocks and buttock crack"
- side-boob
- female nipples (male nipples O.K.!)
- female breasts (male breasts O.K.!)
- the generic genital region
- "'puffy' bare skin exposure"

Their main points of advice: don't wear thongs or sheer clothing...looks like P!nk won't be performing dripping wet in a nude body suit this year.

But this raises a couple of questions:
1. What if someone needs to breastfeed her child? She has the right to do so without one of those chest-cover thingies.
2. "Puffy" bare skin? I think I know what they mean, but they may also be talking about rashes. If standards and practices are talking about rashes, there are bigger concerns there.

3. There are several states where female toplessness is legal in public. So, CBS should be able to broadcast sideboob directly to those states and ask everyone else in the not-as-liberated states to shut their eyes for a few seconds.

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