No Men's Land: When Women Won't Date Bisexual Guys

A while back, I was casually scrolling through Twitter on my company-mandated 10-minute break at my second job. While I was sitting there, minding my own business, just trying to see what was new with Kerry Washington, I came across some disturbing statistics.

A tweet from my pal Nicole Kristal over at #StillBisexual, told me that Glamour Magazine recently conducted a sex survey with their readers, with one result sticking out in particular:

Upon first sight, I was shocked and saddened by this information. However, after composing the perfect response to send to Nicole, I thought more about it and realized something pretty terrible -- I wasn't surprised. Not at all, in fact.

This idea is one we've all heard before, right? It goes along with that strange belief that somehow it's more acceptable for women to be sexually fluid than men.

Seething, and with my protective instincts raised for my bisexual brethren, I went back to work and asked my best work friend, (a straight woman) if she would date a bisexual man. I phrased the question like the answer was obvious: "You'd totally date a bi guy, right? Like, if you met a guy who was awesome and you really liked him, finding out he's bi wouldn't change anything, right?"

Imagine my surprise when she said "Well, I don't know. Maybe. That's a tough one."

A "tough one"? Seriously? Here I am pitching this idea that the perfect man could come along and offer her the life and relationship she's always dreamed of, and she's saying she might turn it down if it also happens that he likes having sex with people who are not cis women like her?

I quickly changed the topic so as to not have a fight about sex and relationships loudly where customers could hear, and I put the conversation out of my mind until my drive home later that night. 

Once safely in my car, I began to have an epiphany; a sad, disillusioning epiphany, but an epiphany nonetheless.

I realized that there were only a few possible explanations here.

Explanation one: Society is steeped in internalized homophobia and masculine ideals, and we create rules for ourselves and the people in our lives accordingly. We admit that a woman being with another woman is fine, but get weirded out by a man being with another man. Why? Because of the twisted belief that a man being with another man is somehow -- hilariously -- "unmanly."

And since we've all heard insane rules about what it is to "be a man," how boys need to "man up," and how straight/bi women should only want "real, manly men" or "guys' guys," anything that is considered "unmanly" is a huge no-no. 

Fun tidbit: This is why when bisexuals are asked who is faced with more challenges and stigma, bisexual men or bisexual women, a lot of us will say bisexual men. (Examples: 1, 2)

Explanation two: The false and tired belief that being with someone who is bi/pansexual/omnisexual means that they will cheat on you or that you have more competition.

Explanation three: Hypocrisy and Biphobia

When I got home from work, I looked up the very article Nicole was referencing and saw that the study also found that 47% of women surveyed admitted to being attracted to another woman at some point, and that 31% say they've had a sexual experience with another woman.

Ritch C. Savin-Williams, Ph.D., director of the Sex & Gender Lab at Cornell University was quoted in the article as saying that the report of women not wanting to have sex with a man who'd been with other men suggested "that these women hold on to the view that while women occupy a wide spectrum of sexuality, men are either gay or straight."

So women are allowed to be bisexual, or at least more sexually fluid, but men are not? It would appear that there's a common idea that a man who has sex with another man is gay, and therefore a woman shouldn't want to be with him because it's a waste of time. He's gay, so why bother, right?

Wrong.

To any woman who has had/does have feelings for a man who has had sex with other men: Turning down someone because of perfectly valid sexual preferences and/or behaviors is ridiculous. Your man having past involvement with other men does not mean he is any less manly or that he is on the "down low."

All it means is that in addition to being with you, he also happens to like having sex with men. And hey, there's something you have in common. Congratulations.