9 Types Of Lesbians You’ll Find In Gay Bars (And How To Seduce Them)

Between my friends and I, we’ve figured out the main types of queer girls you’ll find in your local gay bar. And how to seduce them. Tried and tested.

1. The Lezboi

How To Spot: Snapback cap, mowhawk (or similar), leather or “surfer style” jewelery.

Traits: They’ll be darting around the club talking to everyone, flirting with no one (they don’t know how) but making lots of Facebook friends. But like in a cool, quirky way.

How To Seduce – Lezboi’s are secret attention whores. They're rarely complimented because they’re seen as “the man," but they’ll drink up any girly compliment and be taken completely by surprise. Try something about their eyebrows or make up.

2. The Teeny-Dyke

How To Spot: Statement hair (usually a “unique” color like turquoise), midriff out, and heavy make-up.

Traits: She’s in a group of young queer girls that looks like they require chaperoning.  They’re giggling incessantly and taking pictures of their shoes all in a circle. Because that’s a thing for some reason. She hearts Jenna Marbles.

How To Seduce: Tell her you’ve seen her on Instagram. Social media fame is like crack to a teeny-dyke. Their aspiration is to find fame through their blog or YouTube channel.

3. The Alpha

How To Spot: Unimaginably hot, perfect hair, and a band t-shirt or tank. (Alpha’s don’t “dress up”)

Traits: Top of the lesbian food chain and she knows it. She’s ignoring everything but her iPhone and has probably never had to buy her own drink in her life. She’s not at the club to pick up women and probably has some impossibly cool job in media or something. She’s likely slept with someone famous.

How To Seduce: I don’t think this has ever been done. But the classic “talk to her friend” routine is a good one. If you’re going to be noticed by an Alpha at all, it’ll be because her friend finds you fascinating.

4. The Butch

How To Spot: Classic butch, wearing some form of denim or leather, and probably scowling.

Traits: Masters of the “I don’t give a fuck face,” they’ll be playing pool and in a group of similar butch girls. A hot butch is kryptonite to a lot of queer girls, and they know it. They know you’ll come to them.

How To Seduce: You can't seduce them, you have to let them seduce you. To make the first move, beat them at pool. Or a drinking game. They’ll sulk at first but there’s no point in trying to start witty conversation about the recent article you read on Pride.com. They’re competitors.

5. The Happy Couple

How To Spot: Glued at the hip, drinking the same drink, and PDA overkill.

Traits: OMG why are they even here?! A happy couple in a gay bar is just basically gloating. Like, if you aren’t going to socialize with others then just stay home and watch Netflix under the same blanket. Stop flaunting your happiness in my face.

How To Seduce: NA, obvs.

6. The Ultra-Femme

How To Spot: Perfect tumbling tresses, heels, and a handbag.

Traits: Not just a femme, but an ultra-femme. They’re not focussing on the people they’re with. Ultra-Femmes love gay bars because it’s the only place they have a chance of being hit on. Everyone thinks they’re straight “in the wild” so they’re dying to be in a queer-centric environment and are super excited.

How To Seduce: Just buy them a drink and say you like nail sequins too. Then mention you have some form of sparkling wine at home. Job done.

7. The Tourist

How To Spot: Token gay wear (converse, dungarees), minimal make-up, and an “excited puppy” face.

Traits: A tourist is a straight girl who has come out to “see the sights” without having to, you know, buy any souvenirs. She’s tried SO HARD to look gay and bless her (at least she tried). Possibly in the closet but definitely inexperienced.

How To Seduce: You may as well not bother, they’d be next to useless in bed. But at least they’re having fun, eh? Which is what we’re all about.

8. The Scene Queen

How To Spot – Casually Dressed, knows everyone including the bartender, and constantly on her phone.

Traits: You’ve probably already met every scene queen because she’s *always out*. She knows every piece of gossip and has like five exes in the room at one time. Every time a new group enters the club she’s dragging her bestie in to the bathroom to do whispery-gossipping about ohmigod did you see what she was wearing?!

How To Seduce : On the dancefloor, where the action is at. A Scene Queen often doesn’t really care about who you are, she just wants to add you to their list of contacts. Be around her for long enough and she’ll say hi.

9. Gold Star Snobs

How To Spot: In a group of ultra-lesbians, usually alpha/butch, and with a “too cool for you” expression.

Traits – She’s not making an effort to talk to anyone because why would she? Gold star snobs are women who have never slept with a man, and *inexplicably* believe that you shouldn’t say you’re an actual lesbian, if you’ve ever so much as seen a penis. And God don’t say the word bisexual to them. They may explode on the spot.

How To Seduce: Don’t even bother. Gold Star Snobs are all about image and their identity is based around their sexuality. Being a *real* lesbian is more important to them than anything and no you can’t sit at their table if you’re not 100% gay. I mean, PLEASE. Biphobia is so over. Back away. No, run away. Fast.

About the Author: E J Rosetta is an LGBT Columnist and coffee addict living in Hampshire with her spoiled cat, Hendricks. More ramblings can be found on Facebook or via Twitter @EJRosetta